Back off OUR princess! Proud and irritated Brit CAROLINE BULLOCK hits back at cruel American ‘Katespiracists’ – from Kim K to Blake Lively and Andy Cohen – and says: Yes, Kate has something to hide… but it’s none of your business!

Death, body doubles and Brazilian butt lifts – according to American conspiracy theorists, it has been an eventful time for Kate Middleton.

Downed by abdominal surgery, the Princess of Wales is finding recovery to have consequences in a 24/7 media landscape demanding answers – especially in the United States, where Kate-baiting is everywhere from primetime to the White House, amid speculation about her health and whereabouts become feverish .

Meanwhile, time-rich online critics are spouting increasingly insane theories about her lack of visibility, from botched plastic surgery to a medically induced coma and even crude rumors about the strength of her marriage.

They cannot and will not be stopped.

This week’s proof of life images, which show Kate and Prince William looking good and cheerful in a local farm shop, appealed to few American naysayers.

Worse still, when news broke on Tuesday that staff at the hospital that treated Kate in January may have nefariously attempted to access her medical records, the rumor mill continued to churn.

“That’s not Kate,” barked TV presenter Andy Cohen on X – formerly Twitter – seemingly convinced that the images from the farm shop were a ‘lookalike’ of Kate.

But was the elderly housewife struck down hysterically for such childish musings? Has a little common sense prevailed?

Not a little. The crazy consensus among many of his 2.5 million followers was that he hadn’t gone far enough.

“ACTUALLY,” American Horror Story actress Sarah Paulson shouted in response.

Here’s a disclaimer: as a proud Briton, I accept that I am naturally more reverent towards our Royal Family.

But as I watch in horror as speculation across the pond has reached dystopian heights in recent weeks, I have to admit I’m a little disappointed.

It always seemed to me that the American people had respect and admiration for our 1,200-year-old institution, with its peerless splendor that was the envy of the world.

All of which makes this sudden transatlantic crowing a shocking new low in U.S.-Britain relations for everyone.

It’s really not a good idea to use a mother of three – stricken with a serious illness – as a means of entertainment… or in an attempt to increase your own fame.

Returning to that click junkie Cohen – who appeared with comedian John Oliver on his titular show Watch What Happens Live last week – we were treated to this despicable exchange:

“There’s a non-zero chance that (Kate) died 18 months ago… They could resolve this situation,” Oliver said to uproarious laughter from Cohen.

What a disgusting bunch.

Elsewhere, the entire cast of miserable people waded in.

Kim Kardashian hit a big butt when she ended an Instagram post with: “On my way to find Kate.”

Maybe she could gain some dignity there in the gutter?

Meanwhile, self-proclaimed feminist Blake Lively has taken a swipe at Kate’s much-derided Mother’s Day Photoshop fail, posting her own heavily edited photo in an attempt to sell a new line of drinks. Stylish!

Then along came Harry and Meghan pal Christopher Bouzy — a tech CEO who brags that he started coding at age nine and who appeared in the Sussexes’ whiny Netflix docuseries — who added fuel to the dumpster fire.

He tweeted wildly on Wednesday morning – especially after the shocking revelation of the alleged “hack” of Kate’s medical records – that “Windsor Farm Kate looks 10 years younger than Kate. So no, we haven’t seen Kate in public yet.’

“I (am not) a conspiracy theorist,” he added helpfully.

As one of the most famous women in the world, more attention can certainly be expected for Kate.

The Palace also owes a lot to the mess surrounding that botched photo editing and the resulting international fallout.

Fighting fake news with a doctored photo – and an information blackout – was a gift to the online sleuths and “know-it-alls” obsessed with uncovering some kind of darker “truth.”

‘Never complain, never explain’ was the ever-sensible mantra of the late Queen Elizabeth – but the Royals should do better to reclaim the narrative.

When the British monarchy becomes the joke of the day in the White House, the credibility of this most beloved institution is in danger of being seriously undermined.

In the wake of the Photoshop scandal, press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre was asked by a reporter last week whether the White House has ever digitally altered photos of President Biden.

‘Why does the (British) monarchy have anything to do with us? No, we don’t do that here,’ Jean-Pierre replied, amid much sniggering from the press.

Subtext: We would never be that stupid.

The modern monarchy may not harbor the same mystique as it did under Queen Elizabeth’s reign. How could that be in light of the endless tit-for-tat from Montecito – Harry and Meghan’s royal titles still intact as Meghan prepares to promote her new homeware brand online?

No doubt the crown jewels have been tarnished. But that’s no reason to beat the Princess of Wales with the proverbial diamond sceptre.

The truth is, Kate has something kept hidden. Personal and confidential medical information is a basic right that most of us take for granted. She doesn’t deserve anything else.

That may not sit well in a world where everyone has become too accustomed to the onslaught of privacy-invading social media. A world in which the boundary between fact and fiction is blurred and distorted beyond recognition.

But it’s the truth. So please go back now us Princess.