IIt’s safe to say that when it comes to dating and relationships, I’ve never had it easy. I’ve always been the one who cares more, the one who is “too intense” and the one who ends up getting hurt. I wear my heart on my sleeve and as a relatively newly diagnosed autistic woman with ADHD, there are two words that have haunted and haunted me my entire life: “too much.”
Until recently, ‘too much’ was a source of great shame. I spent my teens and early twenties navigating dating and relationships while missing an important piece of information about myself: that I was an autistic ADHDer. I didn’t know that I tended to feel things much more deeply than most people, or that masking made me a chronic people pleaser. I didn’t know I had a social disability, or that my dopamine-seeking brain might seek stimulation from problematic places (or people). I thought my too-muchness was just the result of being unloved, broken, or a “bad dater.”
I often talk about my late diagnosis as a “light bulb moment” – up until that point I had spent my entire life wandering around in a dark room, walking into walls and knocking things over. One day someone turned on the light and showed me what was happening. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean the room was tidy or easy to use once the lights were on. There was a huge mess that I never knew was there that needed to be resolved, but at least I could start the process.
This analogy is strong with dating and relationships in particular – my love life has by no means become infinitely easier or simpler since my diagnosis, but at least I’m aware of the challenges I may face, the tendencies I have and the kind of problems I have. qualities I might want to look for in someone.
Unfortunately, I can’t give you a handbook on how to have an excellent love life as an autistic or ADHD person, but I can give you a few tips that have been useful to me.
1. Get active
Don’t worry – I’m not going to recommend that you go to an aerobics class before your first date. However, I think “activity dates” (like bowling, mini golf, or even a walk in the park) are a great place to start. You don’t have to worry about making enough eye contact with your date (you stand next to each other while walking or looking in the direction of the activity you’re doing), and you always have something to do talking, rather than staying put clamber to have a chat about the weather.
As an autistic person, I spend my life transcribing imaginary conversations to prepare for every possible scenario – this can even be helpful when it comes to avoiding awkward silences on dates. You may find it helpful to have three talking points on hand so that you can avoid small talk (if you want) and always have something you feel comfortable to fall back on. This is also useful to keep in mind when writing prompts on dating apps: answer them in a way that makes people more likely to message you about something you’d like to talk about.
3. Communicate your needs
You may feel nervous about communicating what you need from someone, but it’s likely that if someone hasn’t dated an autistic/ADHD person before, he or she simply doesn’t know what you need – or that now there is clearer communication, or more. space for decompression, or to avoid noisy or crowded places. Don’t be afraid to ask.
4. Do you like them?
As someone who may have dealt with social issues, it’s likely that your first thought when dating someone is “do they like me?”. Rejection sensitivity dysphoria makes us want to avoid rejection at all costs – even if we don’t like them in the first place. After a first date, check in and ask yourself to list five things you liked about the other person.
5. Deepen your dating pool
A big part of masking is mimicking the people around us; For me, this even meant that if all my friends found someone attractive, I must be attracted to them too. Don’t be afraid to try dating people different from who you traditionally date, whether that’s in terms of appearance or even exploring your sexuality. As you unmask and discover the real you, chances are that what you’re looking for in a partner can change too.