ASK CARLA: My adult children are leeches who take advantage of me. I want to cut them off but fear I’ll lose my darling granddaughter. What can I do?

Dear Carla,

I worry that my adult children will take advantage of me. I feel like I’m always expected to drop everything for them, and if I don’t, they say I don’t love them, or say they won’t talk to me anymore.

I once explained to my 28-year-old son that I couldn’t take care of my granddaughter because I had to work. He told me that I should be grateful for this opportunity and that if I couldn’t be careful, they might have to cancel our grandma bubba dates. These happen every other Saturday afternoon and I cherish them immensely.

Then there is my youngest daughter: she is 25 and always needs money. My oldest daughter, who is 32 and independent, says she is using me and that I should cut her off, but I don’t want to abandon her.

She promises to pay me back but always asks for more money before the last debt is paid off. She has a job, so I really don’t know where it’s all going.

As for my eldest, whom I just mentioned, she stands on her own two feet, but I feel her frustration when I can’t help her in the rare moments she needs it. It’s not because I don’t care; I’m always juggling the other two and their problems.

I love my kids so much, but I can’t help but think that I made some terrible mistakes along the way for them to behave this way.

From a confused mother.

Dear confused mother,

Relationships with adult children can be difficult and confusing. Sometimes parents are unhelpful, but sometimes children take advantage of their kindness.

You are absolutely right to question the dynamics here. It’s not fair. Firm boundaries need to be set so that you don’t feel taken advantage of.

You didn’t mention this, but if any of these relationships involve physical violence, you should break them off immediately. You can determine how best to do this based on your situation, but it must be done in a safe manner.

Recognizing emotional abuse

In cases of emotional abuse – and that’s what this sounds like to me – you have to stick to your guns. If your son tells you that he will keep you from seeing your granddaughter if you don’t do what he wants, or if he accuses you of not loving him, this is clearly unacceptable behavior.

It may be appropriate for you to take a time out in the relationship so that you can feel safe and he can understand that his behavior is wrong.

You should repeat what he said to you and then explain why it is emotionally offensive. Conclude by saying that you are taking a time out and that you will reconnect in a month.

Once you’ve reconnected, clearly explain your new rules of engagement.

However, we must be careful here; While physical, sexual and financial abuse are all fairly obvious, emotional abuse is a little more nuanced.

Just because someone behaves badly or doesn’t do what you want him or her to do does not automatically mean emotional abuse has occurred. But if someone makes fun of you, belittles you, uses mean names, or uses threatening language, then so be it.

If there is manipulation involved – and denying access to grandchildren and saying things like “you don’t love me” is definitely manipulation – then we have entered abusive territory.

Explain why you say ‘no’

Communication is also needed. Maybe your kids don’t know why you say no. So instead of saying, “No, I can’t babysit,” try to explain the situation clearly.

For example: ‘I can’t babysit on Thursday because it’s a work day and I can’t take time off on this occasion. I care about you and my granddaughter, but I have to work and I also need my free time.

‘I could watch her for a few hours in the evening, if that helps. I would be available after work from about six o’clock.’

By explaining yourself fully and calmly, they will understand that you don’t just say no.

Set new boundaries – and stick to them

People can take the time to accept new boundaries. So in a case like this, where it’s an old relationship with new rules, you’re going to have to back yourself up.

You can say that in the past you did not make it clear what was and was not acceptable, but now you realize that it is necessary.

You can even let them know specifically why you need boundaries: “Our relationship has suffered,” “My work has suffered,” “My mental health has suffered.”

You can make it clear that you mean it, while also being willing to compromise.

For example, you might say, “I won’t take a day off work to care for my grandchild, but I’d like to see how else I can help.”

If the manipulation and emotional abuse continue even after you have clearly stated your needs and suggested compromises, try another time-out.

If things don’t improve, now may be the time to limit contact with your child. You can tell them that you are doing this to protect yourself and your relationship.

Take time during those breaks to work on yourself and think about how you can move the relationship forward, and then follow this up with a good conversation with your son and his partner when you’re ready.

It could be a month or a year later, depending on how many breaks you’ve had and how their pattern of emotional abuse has continued. When you sit down, restate your boundaries, express how you felt when they mistreated you, and let them know how you should be treated in the future.

When generosity is abused

When it comes to your youngest daughter, the severity of the situation will depend on the level at which she borrows money.

Remember, it’s your money: if you realize there is a pattern of leakage, you need to bring it up with her.

Let her know that you expect her to pay you back and let her know your terms. You can say, “I gave you $400 last week.” Once you’ve paid that back, we can talk about a new loan.’

You have to learn her responsibility.

Agreements are crucial when it comes to borrowing money. As a mother you can say that you realize that you have not made clear agreements about the repayments in the past, but that it starts today.

They may be angry at first, and that’s fine as long as they respond in a safe manner. But you shouldn’t move your goalposts just to make them happy.

You can say, “I see you’re angry, but I’m taking care of my financial well-being.”

If she continues to pester you for money, then you will need to think about creating an ironclad no-lending rule.

You may also need to put up walls if your daughter steals or spends money you loaned her for a specific purpose on something completely different. That’s betraying your trust.

You should also consider the possibility that the money you borrow could be used for something unsavory. If you suspect this is the case, it’s okay to say that she is no longer welcome in your home or that you don’t want to be around her.

It’s a difficult conversation, but you could simply say, “I don’t feel safe around you and I need to work on rebuilding trust in our relationship.”

In a case like this, the only contact you have may be by telephone. But it is essential to remember that the one who broke the trust is the one who must restore the trust.

Advice given to FEMAIL by Dr. Carla Marie Manly, attachment expert and psychologist and author of The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships.

Dr. Carla Marie Manly has worked as a psychologist for twenty years, has written four books and hosts the Imperfect Love podcast.