As a suffering aunt, I know the greatest cause of unhappiness: other people. Here’s the secret to better relationships

FThrough my many years as a therapist and advice columnist, I have come to see clear patterns in the problems that most bother my readers. And I can confirm that Sartre was right: hell is other people. It is the difficult relationships with the people around us that cause the most suffering. It’s such a common theme that I gave a lecture on it: Why are other people so terrible? To help you into the new year, here is my advice on this most common problem.

Struggling to connect with others – or, more specifically, the tension between wanting connection and feeling disconnected – can manifest itself in many ways. In addition to problems in existing relationships, such struggles can also make you feel lonely or alienated.

This feeling of not belonging can undermine your well-being, whether you are at work, at home or even at the school gate pick-up.

Many of us worry about how others perceive us for fear of rejection, which prevents us from making meaningful connections. We often struggle with our self-worth and identity, feeling unworthy or insecure compared to others, or – just as isolating – feeling superior to them. This leads to communication problems, which is another major barrier to establishing fruitful and honest relationships at work and at home.

Beyond these often practical, interpersonal struggles, there is also the more existential longing for deeper meaning in our lives – a desire to understand our place in the world and find purpose.

At their core, these issues touch on our innate need for connection, not only with others, but also with ourselves, and thus for a broader sense of meaning in life.

So how do we achieve this? Well, for some it comes naturally to interact with others. They just know when to smile, when to nod, how to be interested, and how to lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. They can naturally read people in professional settings and in their social circle. The rest of us just have to learn them. Those who have these skills – often called “people skills” or “soft skills” – may wrongly assume that those of us who do not have these skills are being deliberately offensive. It is important to recognize where your innate ability lies. To do this you must be able to accept all aspects of yourself, even the uncomfortable or imperfect parts, like jealousy or our ability to hate. When we stop suppressing these complexities and embrace ourselves, we become more open to genuine connection with others. We can relate to those around us without the need to hide, compete or project our insecurities.

By recognizing these traits and accepting our strengths and weaknesses, we begin to relate to others with greater authenticity. It’s about being true to who we are, rather than just presenting what we think we should be.

Projection is another major obstacle to connection. When we don’t acknowledge parts of ourselves, we tend to project these unresolved qualities onto others. For example, when we feel judged by others, this may reflect our own tendency to judge those around us. If you feel uncomfortable around other parents at the school gate, consider whether your initial thoughts that they are judging you are true, or whether you have feelings of inadequacy about your parenting skills, or whether you lack confidence in these brief but fraught social interactions.

There is also the danger of the self-fulfilling prophecy. If you go to a meeting and when you enter the room you think, “No one likes me, no one wants to talk to me,” how would that be reflected in your body language? What vibes would you radiate? You’ll probably stay on the edge and avoid eye contact. Now suppose instead you think, “Everyone is interesting and attractive and happy to see me and I want to talk to them about what I’m thinking, and I want to know what they’re thinking about,” how would that manifest in your eyes? ? body language, eye contact and the atmosphere you radiate? It will make you more approachable.

You should also be kind to yourself: you are not the only one who is afraid and longs to experience a greater sense of connection. Our struggle is part of the universal human condition. That’s why I often recommend group therapy. It provides a space where shared struggles create a sense of connection. But where we dare to be vulnerable and authentic in any group or relationship, we have a greater chance of forming real connections. And it’s important to balance our intellectual independence with recognizing what is universal about the human experience.

We often believe that the solution to our problems lies outside of ourselves, because we believe that if we leave the job and the relationship, everything will be fine. Of course, that can sometimes be true and it is important to be alert to situations that are actually harmful. But the path to feeling more connected to others usually starts from within. We need to examine how we talk to ourselves, uncover the secret beliefs we live by, and confront the darker aspects of our psyche. One of the most disconnecting forces is our expectations of what others should be like – but learning to accept people and things we cannot change can help us become more optimistic.

For me it helps to think of the old story of the wise woman. A traveler once asked a wise woman how he would like people to be in the new place he was traveling.

“What were they like where you come from?” replied the wise woman.

“Oh, they were wonderful,” said the traveler.

“Then you will love them in the new place too,” replied the wise woman.

By recognizing our shared humanity and confronting our projections, we can form more authentic connections. Other people can be scary, frustrating and downright annoying, but remember that we are all in this together and hopefully that journey will become a lot easier. And if anyone ever really gets to you, you can always write to me for more advice!