Are you the school gate mum everyone is talking about? An expert reveals the six flashpoints – including the WhatApp faux pas that’s the rudest thing you can do

Every fall, back-to-school month, is a stressful time. There are tantrums over what to wear each morning, turned-up noses at the contents of lunch boxes, and exhausted tears before bed. And then there are the kids to deal with.

For added drama, look no further than the politics of school mom cliques. We know we can’t be friends with everyone, but there are strategies you can employ to avoid becoming that parent people roll their eyes at and want to avoid.

“Parenting is a very sensitive subject,” says etiquette expert Jo Bryant. “Everyone has different norms and different family dynamics and values.

‘Most elementary school classes have an eclectic mix of parents, from the mega-worthy and super-efficient to the always-disorganized and the just-not-caring. You have to be somewhere in the middle.’

Here are Jo’s six most common school gate hot spots to avoid…

WhatsApp Failure

If necessary, permanently mute the class group, but never leave, that’s just too rude.

Also, don’t use it as your handy personal assistant. Before you ask the group anything, check your school messages first. WhatsApp should be the backup, not the go-to.

If you have a group chat for a whole year, keep it to academic and practical stuff and split into separate groups to deal with the social side of things. No one wants 20 messages about a trip to the pub that they can’t make. Class WhatsApps are also not a place to express extreme opinions or criticism of the school.

WFH on playdates

If someone else’s child comes home to you after school, discuss with the other parent whether you will work while the child plays.

In any case, you must be available for these children when needed.

If you have a Zoom call that you absolutely cannot leave, the door to your workstation is closed and you cannot be disturbed, do not invite other people’s children.

There is a clear etiquette around returning playdates. If it’s just an after-school play and a bowl of pasta, it’s okay to not invite back every time. But if someone is spending a lot of money to take your child out or on a long car ride, make sure you return the favor.

Complaining about meals

Etiquette expert Jo Bryant says: ‘Most school classes have an eclectic mix of parents, from the mega-worthy and super-efficient to the disorganised and the just-not-caring. You need to be somewhere in the middle.’

You have to see these people every workday, for several years. School gossip has a way of spreading quickly, so it is really not worth reporting trivial dissatisfaction to another parent.

If you’re not happy with your child being given McDonald’s and donuts with tea, or sitting in front of the TV for four hours, just stop saying yes to the offer to play with him or her.

And if your playdates are consistently rejected, take the hint. It’s the same as any other social situation. You wouldn’t keep inviting a friend to the pub if he said no every time.

Move on and don’t take it too personally.

Flake at the fair

You don’t have to volunteer for every trip or event, but if you plan on attending an event, you can and should help.

If you walk around the Christmas market for an hour and a half, you can of course also help for 30 minutes with the raffle, for example.

It’s frustrating for other parents to see you enjoying the stage show but never doing the work behind the scenes – and it will be obvious to everyone that you don’t want to be there. School is a community and communities need people.

Playground office

Once you’re on the playground, you shouldn’t be on your phone unless it’s urgent. What it says to everyone is ‘don’t talk to me’ but also ‘I’m not prioritizing my child’. Unless it’s vital, it can wait five minutes.

This is basic good manners and sets a good example for your child in using technology.

Bragging about child

Other parents are not interested in your children’s academic success.

And if you are really concerned about their progress, go to your best friend within the school network.

Don’t do what a mother I know did and go through the reading results of the children who came to her home to see how they did compared to her own children.

You can brag to your family and grandparents about your child’s success, and you can respond to a compliment from other parents, but don’t start a conversation about how well your child is doing.