Are you having enough sex? TRACEY COX reveals the seven questions to ask to test if you’re active enough – including your age and mental health

By James On Dec 18, 2024

Am I having enough sex?

That’s a question that almost all of us ask ourselves at some point in our lives, but the answer is not one-size-fits-all.

How often a couple has sex is heavily influenced by seven key factors that influence sex and relationship dynamics.

How old are you?

Your 20s and 30s are the golden years for sex – most of us would cut off an arm to do as much of it as possible. We get excited at the thought of sex with new people, but are also very happy that we can have it with a steady partner.

This is because everything in our bodies is in top condition and working to do what evolution wants us to do: populate the earth.

When children come along, most couples’ sex lives take a dip (more on that later), but if you don’t have children, many people enjoy good sex into their late 40s or 50s.

As with many things, our desire for sex naturally decreases as you get older. This is mainly due to hormonal changes caused by menopause and drops in testosterone.

However, not all is lost when you reach your sixties or older. Switch from penis-focused to foreplay-focused sex, and it will last you a lifetime.

The answer to the question ‘Am I having enough sex?’ is not one size fits all (stock image)

What stage is your relationship in?

Of all the factors, this is the most important. The stage of your relationship plays a big role in how often you have sex.

There’s a reason why the beginning of a relationship is called the ‘honeymoon phase’; When you meet for the first time, you can’t keep your hands off each other.

There’s nothing like sex on tap when you haven’t had it in ages; Sex with an unexplored body is just as fantastic. Passion is at its peak and novelty sprinkles fairy dust over the entire sexual experience.

The longer you are together, the more the frequency decreases.

It doesn’t mean that you no longer find each other sexually attractive, it just means that your brain has become desensitized because you’ve had sex before.

Why don’t we just run for the hills and look for someone new? Because as sex moves down the priority list, bonding and love increases, providing another incentive to stay.

How long does it take for the craving to go away? About two years is the agreed estimate. It doesn’t mean the sex is over afterward, just that you need to create desire by planning sex encounters and trying new things.

Sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox (pictured) believes how often a couple has sex is influenced by seven key factors that influence sex and relationship dynamics

What is your natural libido?

Some people love sex, others are so-so about it. You can blame your parents (at least a little) for the camp you fall into. If Mom or Dad had strong, healthy libidos, chances are yours will too. If they were take it or leave it people, maybe you would be too.

Individual hormone levels and your personal experiences with sex also influence how often you crave sex. Our “resting sex drive” rises at the beginning of a relationship and falls in response to what else is happening in your life.

Like the patter of libido-depleting little feet…

Do you have children?

Yes, they bring joy – but they also strain intimacy.

Let’s count the ways.

First, there’s the toll pregnancy is taking on her body. Once the baby is born, sleep deprivation begins for both of you. Suddenly there is no privacy and no time; physical exhaustion takes away the urge to do anything about it.

Tracey explains that our ‘resting sex drive’ rises at the start of relationships and falls in response to what else is going on in your life

Almost all couples stop having sex when the baby first arrives. You may resume sex after about two months (depending on the rupture and other factors), but many mothers feel overwhelmed for months after giving birth and sex is often delayed by necessity for quite a long time. Women who can’t lose the “baby weight” find that body image issues also reduce desire.

The longer couples go without sex, the less likely they are to resume sex at the level they were before they had children.

One child dramatically affects the amount of sex a couple has, and the more you have, the more your sex life is disrupted.

How mentally and physically healthy are you?

The better physical shape you are, the more likely you are to want sex. Your energy levels are high and if you are physically fit you are likely to look good and feel more attractive.

Poor body image is a major reason why long-term couples don’t have regular sex. Poor sleep, excessive alcohol consumption, smoking and lack of exercise are not a recipe for a high sex drive.

Chronic illness and pain – and the medications prescribed to relieve them – all reduce our sex drive. Mental illnesses such as anxiety, depression and stress are also major pleasure killers.

How is your quality of life?

People who feel relaxed and happy – as opposed to those overwhelmed by stress – are more likely to have sex

Your daily lifestyle – how you manage work, stress and personal time – is another big influence on how often you have sex. High stress and demanding jobs reduce desire and leave you with no energy for sex. The busier you are, the less time you have for sex.

Most of us want sex when we are relaxed and happy. When you constantly feel overwhelmed by life, sex becomes a chore. One more thing on your already overflowing to-do list.

How is your relationship?

I know what you’re thinking: why wasn’t this first on the list?

There’s no doubt that the quality of your relationship greatly influences the frequency of sex. If you’re in a toxic relationship brimming with resentment, you won’t want to kiss your partner, let alone have sex with him or her.

But it’s a complete misnomer to assume that all happy relationships involve a lot of sex.

Many long-term couples rarely or never have sex and are completely happy about it. It’s true that healthy relationships thrive on both emotional and physical intimacy. But if you’re both happy with the amount of sex you’re having, it’s enough!

What if I’m not having the amount of sex I should be having?

How often a couple has sex does not indicate whether there are problems in the relationship.

The happiest couples often have legitimate reasons why sex is infrequent, stops for a while, or stops altogether.

It’s not always a sign that your relationship is in trouble if you’re not having regular sex.

The right frequency is one that makes you and your partner feel connected and satisfied. Emphasis there, on BOTH of you. If either of you is unhappy with the frequency of sex, it’s time for a conversation.

Monogamous relationships are all about finding a happy medium: if you both promise to “give up on everyone else,” you have a personal responsibility to keep each other happy.

This doesn’t mean you have to agree on how often to have intercourse a few times a week or month.

Instead of just making it about how often, shift your thinking to how enjoyable it is for both of you. If you want your partner to want sex more often, make sure he or she enjoys the sex offered.

Sex that is more based on foreplay – lots of oral sex, kissing and using each other’s hands to pleasure each other – is much more likely to lure a woman into the bedroom than doing little more than thrusting away.

Tracey’s podcast, Sextok with Tracey and Kelsey, appears every Wednesday. Find her product ranges at lovehoney.co.uk and her blog and books at traceycox.com.