Are you having enough sex? Our intimacy coach reveals eight ways to have more – and make it better than ever

If you’re finding that the idea of ​​sex is quietly slipping off your “to do” list, and you’re increasingly noticing libido mismatches with your partner, you may find comfort in knowing that you’re not alone.

A major survey published earlier this year by my online sex education platform, Beducated, found that a paltry 40 percent of us rate our sex lives positively. Nearly two-thirds of the 1,800 respondents indicate that they feel ‘neutral’, ‘dissatisfied’ or ‘very dissatisfied’ about their sex life. One in five admitted that he was completely out of step with his partner.

It seems like there’s a silent epidemic of apathy and miscommunication in the bedroom, hitting middle-aged couples especially hard. The good news?

If you’re stuck in a sex rut, or struggling to find even a semblance of desire, there Are solutions.

Read on to find out how you can close the gender gap…

Recharge your intimacy batteries

In long-term relationships, women often see a faster decline in libido than male partners. Our research found that one in four women experience low or absent libido – almost double the rate for men – so it’s no wonder so many heterosexual couples talk about a mismatch in sex drive.

But intimacy is like a phone battery that needs to be charged every day. Dr. Beducated’s libido and desire expert Juliana Hauser suggests thinking of the sexual connection between you as a “runway instead of a pit stop” and making a point of filling your day with small gestures (a small wake-up kiss on the lips, a foot massage or a sexy text message) to build connection and cherish intimacy.

These small adjustments will add up over the course of the day, sparking dormant feelings of desire and making you more likely to be open to intimacy.

Go to the gym

Your mental and physical health plays a crucial role in how you feel about yourself. When you lack self-confidence, self-consciousness creeps into the bedroom.

But 40 percent of respondents in our survey said they would like to feel more confident in the bedroom. And our data shows that regular physical activity – even just once a week – increases sexual satisfaction, desire and self-confidence. Gym-goers were 22 percent more likely to report being ‘satisfied’ or ‘very satisfied’ with their sex lives than those who do not exercise regularly.

Physical activity increases feel-good hormones and, usually, body confidence. Dr. Hauser says this could increase the number of positions you might want to try in bed, and it will certainly improve your ability to stay sexually active for longer.

Let’s face it: the results may also affect your sexual attraction to your partner and them to you.

Smell his sweaty shirt

Don’t underestimate the power of scent! We are very sensitive to the pheromones in our partner’s sweat, and women may have evolved so that a man’s scent can trigger ovulation and an increase in libido.

If you rarely cuddle, you may be missing out on the libido-boosting effects of his man scent. So give him a big hug when he comes back from work or secretly smell his sports shirt.

The REAL foreplay

Stress is a huge mood killer: 61 percent of our survey participants said it has a direct impact on their sex life. Women may be disproportionately affected and report that dealing with daily stressors can leave them too exhausted to be intimate.

It can be very difficult to switch from one role (parent, employee, dog body) to a space in which you make sexual contact. So don’t even think about any form of sexual foreplay until you’ve cleared away the libido-restricting and stress-inducing mental clutter.

Dr. Hauser recommends ditching distracting thoughts by writing a “to do” list and leaving it in the kitchen. Put your phone out of reach – there’s nothing sexy about pre-coital doom scrolling.

Flip your sex script

Don’t let sex become a repetitive chore. Dr.’s ‘Four Quadrant’ exercise Hauser is a great way to spice things up. Sit down together and write a long list of all the types of sexual acts you can think of, from kissing to something outside your comfort zone. Then, working individually, place each action in one of four quadrants:

• Something you’ve tried and want to try again
• Something you’ve tried and don’t think you would want to do again
• Something you haven’t tried yet and are curious to try
• Something you haven’t tried yet and you’re pretty sure you don’t want to try

Reviewing your schedules together can give you ideas for experiences you’d both like to try (as well as the chance to spend “time” on activities you no longer enjoy).

Plan a non-food date night

While you may worry that posting sex in the diary takes the spontaneity out of the act, it can be a game changer for couples who struggle to find time to be intimate.

But a big dinner will only make you feel bloated and sleepy. Get your creative juices flowing by setting aside an evening to read an erotic novel together, sign up for a tango class, or relax with a spa day. Spending time together in a relaxed environment can have a huge effect on increasing intimacy.

Look into his eyes

Long-term couples rarely look each other in the eye. Research shows that men often stare deeply into a woman’s eyes at the beginning of a relationship, but over time the habit fades. But women crave ‘the look’ and this simple act can help reignite a dormant libido.

Try this exercise: sit opposite each other in a comfortable place and look into each other’s eyes for two minutes. Dr. Hauser suggests trying this with your bodies not touching, and then brushing again with just your knees: “The experience can really become more intense if you add physical touch,” she says.

Let’s talk about sex

Feeling unable to express your wants, needs and boundaries is a very big problem: a whopping 95 percent of respondents in our survey said they wished they or their partner would communicate better.

Dr. Hauser says feeling emotionally connected is a great turn-on and communication is paramount.

If the thought of talking about sex makes you uncomfortable, try pillow talk after orgasm when oxytocin (the bonding hormone) is rushing through your body.

Try asking: What are you afraid of when it comes to sex? What do you desire when it comes to sex?

As told to Louise Atkinson

• Mariah Freya is the founder and CEO of www.Beducated.com, an online sex education course platform for adults

• Dr. Juliana Hauser is a licensed therapist, psychosocial education expert, coach and author of A New Position on Sex (published Fall 2024) www.dr-juliana.com