The “how men are different from women” list is created when we are born and is constantly updated as we go through life.
It starts with information about how our father treats us, how he treats our mother, sister and other women. It builds on the way our brother interacts with girls and women. His friends. The boys from our school. Men we meet at university and at work.
We also enjoy the advice of the women in our lives. It is rarely positive. Men are only after one thing (your mother). Don’t be the last one left on the shelf, otherwise men won’t want you (your grandma). Men want sex, women want love (society). The man has to make the first move, otherwise you will be seen as (your friends).
The truth is, most of our beliefs about men are in the worst possible perspective – and it doesn’t do us any good either.
According to Tracey Cox, most of our views about men are skewed towards the worst possible perspective (stock image)
Why thinking badly about men hurts women
If you think all men cheat, you expect your boyfriend to do the same. Instead of dumping him when you find out, make a little fuss… and then accept it. All men do that, right? It’s going to happen, whoever you choose?
They have actually been given a leave pass.
If you think that all men are boastful sexual studs, it means that you think they will say or do anything to get you into bed. You view men with suspicion and distrust. Not the best way to win someone over or start a relationship.
The fact is that although men and women are different, we are much more alike than we often expect.
Let’s get rid of some harmful beliefs that have been going around since, well, forever.
LIE ONE: MEN ARE SEXUAL STUDS
They are ready, willing and able to have sex with anyone anytime, anywhere.
Really and truly?
I used to be in a relationship with an Italian man, introduced by a mutual friend. The first date was perfect – including the sexy kissing at the end. Date two… not so much. We were watching a movie at my house and all he was interested in was watching the movie.
I asked my friend what the problem was. “It’s because you write books about sex,” he said. “But he knew that,” I told him. Language barrier. It turns out he thought I said “sad books,” and because he knew I had a psychology degree, he thought I wrote books about depression.
This made it clear why he felt compelled to explain in extraordinary detail how he was feeling every time I asked, ‘How are you?’. But what about the legendary Italian machismo? “You write sex books, so you’re a scary woman,” my friend exclaimed, “even for an Italian man.”
Women think that men are bursting with sexual confidence. Research (and experience) tells us that the opposite is true.
A survey by British urologists found that around 11.7 million men in Britain say they struggle with sex. One in eight men experience it every time they experience it. 60 percent of British men have avoided sex due to fear of failure.
The truth
Men’s main motivation isn’t always to have sex, and they don’t have the utmost confidence in their sexual skills.
They often actively avoid sex, especially if they like you and want to impress you. They – and their penises – are just as vulnerable as we are. Especially at the beginning of relationships.
Tracey Cox said the clichés women adopt about the opposite sex can do more harm than good
LIE TWO: MEN ALWAYS MAKE THE FIRST MOVE
Men find many women intimidating. Women who write sex books, for example. Women with large, spectacular breasts that they are not allowed to look at. A girl with a face that looks strikingly like the ex he can’t quite get over. Or a job that pays twice what he earns; legs that look too nice to wrap around his big belly.
If he feels like he’s taking a back seat – and it doesn’t take much for this to happen – you’ll find that instead of rejecting his advances, you’re the one who has to make them.
I’m not talking about a one-nighter – damn, he’ll rip that dress off as soon as you walk in the door. The stakes are much lower for casual sex because you don’t care what the person thinks about you.
But if he thinks this could lead to a relationship, first-time sex could be even more intimidating for him than it is for you.
The truth
Why? Well, his first concern is obvious: he’s worried that his penis won’t be the biggest you’ve ever seen. It’s there for all to see, remember, not shyly hidden like our genitals.
Then there’s the concern that the penis may not be working when it needs it most. Again, we can feign excitement, he can’t. Or maybe it works, but too well and it’s over too quickly. He may be able to fake an orgasm, but he can’t fake an erection after just having one.
And all before he’s even had time to worry about whether he’s turning you on. What if he can’t find your clitoris and rubs the wrong part and you think he’s an idiot? It’s not like he can ask for directions now, right? He’s a guy. Guys are supposed to know stuff like that.
THREE LIE: MEN DON’T WANT LOVE AND COMMITMENT
If you believe that men only want sex and that it is available for free, why would they ever want to choose just one woman?
About half of all people in Britain are married.
You mean to tell me that all these women dragged their future husbands down the aisle kicking and screaming?
This is such an old-fashioned, outdated view that I find it difficult to accept that anyone under the age of 50 actually believes in it.
But believe it, they do.
I hear it often (depressingly) when I speak to women in their late teens and early twenties. “He won’t commit, he’s a man.” ‘I would like a relationship, but I won’t propose it. I leave it to him. He probably doesn’t want anything serious, men never do that.’
This concept of ‘waiting’ for the man to make the decisions in our lives. Why is it still hanging around?
Are we back in the dance hall of the 1950s, women on one side, men on the other and we wait for men to cross the room?
The truth
Renowned research from 2019 showed that men experience feelings of love faster and express them more quickly than women.
Research also shows that men and women look for the same things in a long-term partner: kindness, intelligence, understanding and someone who will love them in return.
The truth is that men benefit from and enjoy commitment MORE than women do.
A groundbreaking study of 20,000 people, conducted over ten years, shows that married men and men in long-term relationships are much happier than the women they live with. This finding has been replicated many times. Being married improves men’s well-being, but doesn’t provide the same boost for women. (No prizes for guessing why: women are still the ones doing the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning.)
Other research found that men benefit from marriage because they calm down. They take fewer risks, earn more money at work and live longer.
In contrast, the healthiest and happiest subgroup of the population consists of women who have never married or had children.
Why would men avoid commitment?
LIE FOUR: MEN WILL ALWAYS CHEAT IF GIVEN HALF THE CHANCE
I’ve asked many people this question throughout my career: How would you feel if you could cheat and get away with it, but didn’t have to give your partner permission to do the same?
Almost everyone grins and says (not entirely seriously): ‘Sounds good!’.
Everyone understands why even people in happy relationships have the urge to sleep with someone new. People like variety: it’s that simple.
Most of us don’t do that because the short-term benefit – excitement and hot sex – doesn’t outweigh the long-term benefit of being faithful. Safety, love, contentment, a great father/mother for your children.
Men love their wives, children and their associated Netflix-on-the-couch life as much as women do. Every person wants to feel loved, safe, secure and accepted.
Anyone who cheats knows that it could all be lost if they are discovered.
The truth
Men are still more likely to cheat than women, but the gap is closing.
Statistics vary, but the consensus is that about 20 percent of married men and 13 percent of married women will have sex with someone other than their partner during their marriage.
But let’s look at this another way: that means 80 percent of men do NOT cheat on their wives.
If your partner does that, he is an exception and not the norm.
So no, women don’t have to put up with men’s cheating any more than they have to put up with our infidelity.
To think otherwise is self-defeating.
Tracey’s two product lines, Tracey Cox Supersex (for women and couples) and Tracey Cox Edge (for men) are available from (and many other countries around the world).