DEAR CAROLINE: My brother-in-law’s hideous habit means I don’t want my child to go near him

Q I really don’t feel like going to my brother-in-law’s for Christmas lunch. He is arrogant, competitive and quite materialistic – in other words: insufferable. He always seems to be my in-laws’ favorite son, something he likes to play with by acting as the genius host and indulging in a little sibling rivalry with my husband. We go to his house every few years (my parents in between) and it’s always him and his wife creating a lavish bedspread in their fancy home for us and my in-laws.

Our eldest and their son are the same age, in the middle of A-levels and studying at university. Unfortunately, my brother-in-law seems determined to carry his childhood competition into the next generation. He knows that our son is in fact more academic, but whenever he speaks to my husband he always asks how our son is doing before putting down his achievements while bragging about his own child’s. Our son works hard, but is sensitive – and maybe a little nerdy. He is very worried about everything this year. I really think it will be torture for him if his uncle has to do some digging during Christmas lunch.

My husband and I have talked about it and would like to come back, but we are concerned about what it would look like and whether we would be letting his parents down.

A Unfortunately, you and your children have had to endure this toxic situation at Christmas and other family occasions for several years. It’s a shame that your brother-in-law, a supposedly mature adult, still wants to feel important by undermining others. Beneath the boasting and arrogance lies a sense of inadequacy. It would be nice if your husband could talk to his brother and explain that he needs to stop attacking your son, but I’m afraid his sibling isn’t sensitive enough to be receptive, especially after a few celebratory drinks.

I imagine your son has mock exams as soon as the next semester starts, so will be in a state of stress anyway. For his sake, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to quietly withdraw from this year’s Christmas battle. Simply explain that you need to see your own parents or, for a change, you want a little family Christmas of your own. (You might want to book a cabin.) Offer to see them and your in-laws on another day—when your son can opt out to visit a friend or have to work. It won’t be easy and your husband’s parents may be a little upset, but they can visit you separately.

For now, your son’s mental health is the priority. Make sure he isn’t putting too much pressure on himself or being pushed too hard by the school, and consider whether he needs extra emotional support. A levels are a difficult time for teenagers.

WHY WILL MY DAUGHTER’S PARTNER NOT COMMIT?

Q I don’t know how to help my eldest daughter. Her two younger sisters are already married, but she has been in a relationship for six years and is 34, but her partner still hasn’t proposed.

Fortunately, she never wanted children, so she doesn’t feel like time is passing, but sometimes she tells me she feels like her partner isn’t committed enough to marry her. He tells her that he loves her and wants to be with her, but that marriage is just too conventional. In all other respects he is a nice young man (he is 37).

Should I advise her to give him an ultimatum or leave him and find someone who appreciates her and needs her more?

A If a person does not want to get married, it can sometimes happen that his own parents have gone through a very brutal and bitter divorce. In such a case, they may think that the marriage is worthless or even unsafe. (This can also happen after the death of a parent when they were a child.) They fear that if they get too close to someone, that person will abandon them or disappear. It is worth considering whether this is behind his thinking.

I agree that since it is so important to your daughter, it would be nice if he could get married for her sake. Unfortunately, however, she cannot change his mind. Ultimatums are tricky because they can backfire or cause someone to back down. But she could also make an ultimatum in her own head about how long she’s willing to give it. In the meantime, she could ask him to explain in more detail his reasons for being so against marriage and see if these can be explored together in counseling (try relate.org) to help them reach a resolution.