DEAR JANE: I accidentally sent a dirty text message to the worst person imaginable

Dear Jane,

I recently started working in the marketing department of a bank and I’ve been trying really hard to make friends with my new colleagues.

My team is small and already close-knit (they’re all girls), so it was hard to feel included. It’s almost like I’m back in high school trying to be friends with the popular girls.

I was very happy when one of the girls invited me to have lunch with her a few weeks ago. We hit it off and since then we take a coffee break together every few days.

The only thing is, she’s a huge gossip and loves to talk about what’s going on in the personal lives of all our colleagues. She definitely gets a kick out of discussing other people’s drama.

Gossip is definitely not something I enjoy, but since I’m still new to the business, and since this girl seems to be friends with everyone, I’ve continued to spend time with her for the sake of my social life. But I try to be careful what I tell her because I’m sure it won’t stay between the two of us.

And this is why I was so shocked when I accidentally sent her an extremely provocative photo last weekend.

You know, I had been out with my friends outside of work and had a few too many drinks, and I thought it would be a good idea to send a racy photo to the guy I’m currently dating . I posed in my lingerie, took a selfie and then texted him. Or so I thought.

I assumed he was the most recent person I had texted, so he would be at the top of my chat history. But I hadn’t noticed that my new coworker friend had just texted me about gossip. I accidentally sent the nude to her!

Obviously I was shocked and immediately texted again begging her not to tell anyone or share the photo. She responded quickly and told me I had nothing to worry about and that my secret was safe with her.

I went to work on Monday hoping it would be forgotten. But I noticed that others on my team paid more attention to me and even looked at me differently.

I texted her after work on Monday to make sure she hadn’t said anything, and she assured me she hadn’t. But then on Tuesday I got the same strange feelings from my colleagues.

Maybe I’m paranoid, but I have a feeling she told people about the photo I sent her, and maybe even showed it to them. It feels like they are judging me.

Should I confront her again, or maybe even ask others if there is something I need to know? I don’t want this to ruin my reputation at work when I’m so new to the job – and I don’t want it to ruin my chances of making friends with my coworkers. But I also really need to know what happened.

By,

Naked and scared

Dear Naked & Scared,

Before we talk about the sexy photos, let’s talk about your gossiping coworker.

I guarantee that the reason everyone seems to like her is not because of her good qualities, but because they are terrified of her.

The truth is, gossip can never be trusted. With anything. They love to stir the pot, spread news and create drama. If someone likes to talk negatively and so openly about others, the only thing you can be sure of is that it will soon be your turn.

For me, gossip is an absolute deal breaker in friendships. I once had a very good friend who loved to gossip. She came over and talked terribly about everyone we knew. Like you, I felt so uncomfortable that I tended to just listen and tell myself that if I didn’t contribute, it would be okay. But it wasn’t. Every time I saw her I felt dirty and indeed, it was only a matter of time before I heard she was spreading rumors about me.

I ended that friendship and haven’t regretted it since.

Choose your friends wisely. It’s all too easy to make new friends quickly when you start a new job or move to a new country. But it’s always wise to take it slow so people can fully reveal themselves before you decide to let them in.

While you may not be able to end this new friendship with your coworker easily, I strongly recommend that you keep her at a distance.

You can remain friendly, but stop spending every break with her. Think of it as demoting her to the rank of acquaintance instead of friend.

As for the lingerie photo, there is indeed a good chance that she shared it.

But remember, if the photo made you feel good enough to text it to someone in the first place, there’s no need to feel ashamed. In fact, I’d try to see the funny side of it. The next time you’re in a casual setting with your new coworkers, try bringing up humiliating stories and telling them how you accidentally texted a sexy photo to a coworker. Bringing it to light will make the issue go away, because shame can only survive in darkness.

My final piece of advice for you is some general advice about sending provocative photos via text. Just don’t do it. Texting someone who compromises images is always a terrible idea.

Dear Jane,

I’m part of a very close group of six male friends, we’ve known each other since high school and all moved back to the same city after graduating from college two years ago.

We all work during the day, but spend most nights together playing video games, watching movies, visiting bars to watch sports, or just chilling and ordering food.

We’ve all dated a little here and there, and had short-term situations with girls, but none of us have ever been in a serious relationship.

About six months ago a new girl started working at my company and we immediately hit it off and went on dates.

My guy friends didn’t mind it so much when it was only once or twice a week, but since we became official, they and I have started spending a lot more time together.

I could tell my friends were annoyed that I wasn’t hanging out with them as much, so I decided to introduce them to my girlfriend and suggested we all do things together.

But when we all went to the bar to watch a football match, they were so cold to her that they basically ignored her the whole time and acted like they were too involved in the game to chat.

I asked what they thought of her after the match and they were all incredibly enthusiastic. They didn’t say anything bad, but I could tell they didn’t love her, and they still don’t.

The hard part is: I really love her, and I want to spend time with her. This doesn’t mean I want to spend less time with the boys, it just would make my life a lot easier if we could all be friends together.

After how rude they were to her, it’s not surprising that my girlfriend isn’t too fond of them either. Now it feels like they all hate each other, and I’m in the middle of it!

What should I do?

By,

Bad downstairs

Dear Down Bad,

Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if all our friends loved our partners, and our partners loved all our friends?

It’s too easy to harbor a romantic vision of a happily ever after, filled with mutual adoration between everyone in our lives.

Unfortunately, as you will discover, this is simply not realistic in most cases.

When I was married, I liked many of my husband’s friends, even though they weren’t people I would have chosen as friends. There were times when we all socialized together, but I was just as happy – and often happier – when my husband went out to visit his friends without me.

Relationships are always about compromises. A new partner inevitably brings a different dynamic to your existing friendships. If there isn’t a strong fundamental bond, you may end up seeing less of your old friends, but it doesn’t have to be a binary choice either.

In your case, you may now be at a point in your life where you are beginning to mature and are entering the next phase. While playing video games and hitting sports bars every night is fun in your twenties, it’s (hopefully) a phase, and one that should come to an end as you build more meaningful relationships.

No one needs to be in the middle here. There should be room in your life for both your partner and your male friends, even if you’re not spending as much time with the guys as they would like.

If you are in a serious relationship, it is only right that you prioritize your girlfriend. No matter how petty your friends behave, they shall to adjust. If they can’t, talk to them and explain that you’re not abandoning them, just that your life has changed. With any luck, they will soon experience something similar.