The new ‘monstrous’ personality type: ‘Dark empaths’ are even more dangerous than narcissists, say experts. DR SARAH DAVIES reveals how to know if you’re being manipulated by one
The one thing we know about narcissists is that they have no empathy. So what about a new psychological type – the ‘dark empath’ – similar to a narcissist in his manipulative and cold-blooded nature, but who at first glance smells positively of compassion?
The “dark empath” was first characterized in a 2021 study published in the journal Personality and Individual Difference as having “increased levels of psychopathy (being impulsive and ruthless), narcissism (grandiose and entitled), and Machiavellianism (strategic and manipulative being) in the presence of empathy.’
It identified “dark empathy” as a trait combination shown by 19.3 percent of the 1,000 people surveyed. If you do the math, that could mean that one in five of us is a dark empath! But as Nadja Heym, co-author of the study and associate professor of personality psychology and psychopathology at Nottingham Trent University, warned: ‘the trait exists on a continuum – it’s not about everyone having a personality disorder’.
This hasn’t stopped TikTok from going wild, with 17.4 million posts on the topic. It is not surprising that there is confusion and concern. If this monstrous-sounding type comes across as friendly and caring, how on earth can we spot them – and stay away from them?
Let’s first clarify what we’re dealing with here, says Dr. Sarah Davies, a psychologist and author of Raised By Narcissists.
‘Narcissists have no empathy. Neither do sociopaths and psychopaths. These personality types – which make up what psychologists call “the Dark Triad” – don’t experience empathy the way the rest of us do. That’s why they can treat people horribly – they have no remorse, guilt or moral compass.”
So is it possible, as the researchers suggest, to be in the dark triad and experience some empathy? Doctor Davies isn’t so sure.
Normal people experience “affective empathy,” she says. This is true empathy: the ability to understand and feel another person’s emotions. ‘We usually feel sympathetic and supportive. So when you’re going through a hard time, an empathetic person can really feel it for you, be genuinely moved, and be moved to show kindness toward you.”
Dr. Sarah Davies says that dark empaths learn how to express empathy, but they don’t actually feel any
Narcissists and dark empaths – don’t feel emotional empathy. What they have is ‘cognitive empathy’. That means, says Dr Davies, ‘they understand it on an intellectual level. They can show empathy.” They pretend.
They ‘learn’ their ’empathy’ script by watching the behavior of genuinely kind people. They then show compassion to manipulate others. They think, ‘I understand you’re upset. I can see how you feel. I don’t care, but I know what to say or do to make it look like I care.”
For Dr. To Davies, the “dark empath” sounds suspiciously like a “covert, vulnerable narcissist.” (Alarmingly, not all narcissists are obvious or “overt” – not all are downright callous, boastful, vain, arrogant, and entitled.)
She explains: ‘The more covert, vulnerable type of narcissist may experience a kind of maladaptive affective empathy – that is, they can relate to more negative or extreme emotional experiences of others.’ They have the ability, like a Good Samaritan, to stand up when you are down, and to emulate ‘care’ and ’empathy’.
This devious, undercover narcissist is “much more willing to share their weaknesses, vulnerabilities, fears, worries, health problems and so on,” says Dr. Davies. So you may feel vulnerable after a relationship breakup. They convincingly tell you that they too have been hurt in love – well, they felt as raw as a peeled onion.
“This can look like real sharing and connecting,” she says. It’s not. ‘People who are genuinely empathetic are in danger of falling into these types.’ And then: “It’s only a matter of time before abuse and control begin.”
Dark empaths are difficult to spot. When they’re hiding in plain sight, they appear caring, sharing and sensitive – but really they just want to manipulate you. So how do you recognize the warning signs? The following telltale qualities, says Dr. Davies, will ultimately give them away.
Dark empaths hide in plain sight. They may seem nice, but may have disturbing ulterior motives
Dark empaths ignore boundaries
They push people’s boundaries, under the guise of kindness. For example, if you’re dating a dark empath and you say, “I’m tired – I’m going to stay home and go to bed early, alone,” they’ll show up at your door unexpectedly with gifts. This looks caring, but it’s a warning sign: they simply haven’t respected your wishes.
They need constant validation
Despite seemingly sympathizing with your problems, you will realize that this person needs constant praise, reassurance, or attention. The dark empath will abruptly end a ‘good’ relationship, in which their partner knows their faults – so they can start over, comfortably unknown, with someone new.
Dark empaths love to micro-manage
It may not be obvious at first, but they control, and if given the chance, they will micromanage you. Perhaps you witnessed their abuse of a mutual friend. When the dark empath realizes that you have discussed and challenged their distorted version of events, you will feel the sharp end of their narcissistic rage, or be punished with the silent treatment.
They use people’s weaknesses to manipulate
Dark empaths appear caring, but use fear and undermining you to get what they want. For example, after one of my clients was fired, a colleague started acting as a shoulder to cry on. They eventually started dating. He initially offered financial support while she looked for a new job, but increasingly told her to “relax and focus on her health.” His goal was to make her financially dependent on him. It’s a way an abuser controls their partner.
Dark empaths will show jealousy
Although they can mimic “caring,” dark empaths feel negatively about other people’s successes. So while they help you celebrate a new job or achievement, you’ll find their comments slyly crushing. “They let anyone be a teacher these days!” Or ‘So impressive to run a marathon on your size.’