Could your friendship cause your divorce? Here are the 7 signs you’re having an emotional affair and why you DON’T need to worry if you’ve pictured them in bed

Emotional affairs are incredibly common these days. At no other time in history has our romantic partner been supposed to be our lover, business partner, therapist, cheerleader – the list goes on.

It’s not surprising that we look to others to fill some of these roles, and that’s not unhealthy. But we also spend less time than ever with our partners because we work so much and parent so intensively.

Add to that the fact that the Internet puts everyone in your pocket, making it very easy to end up in the danger zone – when a platonic relationship becomes too close and starts to threaten your marriage.

We are all capable of emotional infidelity, and it is so easy to convince yourself that you are doing nothing wrong. After all, what’s bad about being connected to someone else?

You can have the most solid marriage and still end up in an emotional affair; it is very painful and can end in divorce without even a kiss being exchanged.

The best way to keep your relationship safe? Make sure you’re not doing any of the things below and stop quickly if you are.

YOU KEEP THE FRIEND A SECRET

Not all things need to, or even should, be shared with a partner, but if you don’t want a friendship to become known, you need to ask yourself why.

Even if you think it’s innocent, if it feels like it should be a secret, then that’s a solid indication that you’ve crossed the line in an emotional matter.

You made friends with his wife

This may be part of your need for closeness and wanting “cover” for your emotional affair, so everything seems fine. But why do you need everything to feel good if you already do? It’s the same concept as when people brag about something: you don’t have to if you really feel good about it and about yourself. In this case it is: ‘I’m not doing anything wrong; I just became friends with his wife. I’m sweet.’

YOU NEED THE DOPAMINE HIT

And you don’t want to wait or leave a meeting to chance. This is no longer about a friendly dog ​​walk with the dad from the school gate.

It’s the feeling that you now want more from him, it has turned into a compulsion over which you have less control.

It’s when you get more emotional charge than the nice feeling when a platonic friend contacts you.

YOU AVOID LIFE

An emotional affair isn’t just about turning to someone else and fulfilling a fantasy, it’s about turning away from your real life, the life that requires more hard work.

Emotional issues are projected and brought out so that you don’t have to sit with yourself – to be in the moment with the children or face the problems in your relationship. It removes you from your real life.

But the tipping point is when it doesn’t complement your life so much as it prevents deeper intimacy with your partner. Then you have crossed a line.

YOU HAVE LEFT THE ‘GOOD GIRL’ PERSONA

Emotional stuff can happen when we break away from the “wise adult” part of ourselves and move on to a different personality – and that’s why this can happen in a very solid marriage.

Maybe you were always a good girl, dated, got married and then had kids. You never let go of the “bad girl” side of you.

Now that desire comes and it is not compatible with who you know you are. Every now and then the horse comes out of the stable.

It’s no one else’s job to make you happy. You have to ask yourself: what is happening to awaken this in you?

THEY ARE THE ALWAYS PERFECT PERSON

When your “platonic friend” starts to fill this role, it’s a sign that you’re entering dark territory, especially if you start comparing him to your partner. You can make negative comparisons to alleviate some of the guilt about your emotional affair.

You’ll notice that your boyfriend makes you feel better – and all the ways your partner lets you down.

Keep in mind that you may be happy to have this person in your pocket all the time, but you don’t necessarily want him on the couch with you if you’ve eaten too much and you feel bloated after eating.

YOU NEED A DISTRACTION TACTIC

It’s no one else’s job to make you happy. You have to ask yourself: what is happening that awakens this in you? Not what’s missing at home.

Think about how much you stand to lose. How much of this relieves you of other uncomfortable things?

And what would you be thinking about if you weren’t thinking about this – that is often very revealing. It’ll be all those other things you don’t want to look at.

And the surprising sign NOT to worry about. . .

You imagine what he is like in bed

Our thoughts are our thoughts, they are not our actions. It’s fantasy and human sexuality is complicated. You may wonder how many different people can be in bed without ever wanting to sleep with them. So don’t panic if you occasionally have sexual thoughts about a friend. The bigger red flag is when you start imagining what your life could be like with him/her.

• Kelli Novak is a psychotherapist at The Soke