TRACEY COX speaks to women who watched their ex change for someone else… when they did all the hard work!
How would you feel if you saw your ex-husband behaving the way you always wanted… with his new wife?
You did all the work to change him. You dragged him to therapy. Now she is reaping the benefits.
The man who couldn’t or wouldn’t change during your relationship is now Mr Bloody Perfect with his new love.
It is a situation that is not uncommon, but that does not make it any less painful.
I spoke with a woman who just went through this experience – and a man who could offer a perspective from the other side.
*Some names have been changed.
Sexpert Tracey Cox (pictured) has discussed what it can feel like when your ex-partner becomes the person you hoped he would be – with a new partner
HOW IT FEELS FOR HER
‘I’m trying to be happy for him, but I’m devastated. What does she have that I didn’t have?’
Emily, 38, married her husband when they were both 23.
‘I loved my husband and still do. But he changed dramatically from the man I married.
We married the world our oyster very young. But while my life turned out the way I hoped, his never did.
He had a few disappointments along the way in his career, and it cost him all the confidence and fight. He started drinking and became depressed.
We had always wanted children, but now he didn’t want to bring them into such a ‘terrible world’.
He became rude to our friends, especially those who were successful. I think he was ashamed because he was clearly failing in life.
I tried for a long time to help him get back on track.
But addiction and low self-esteem are a powerful combination and I couldn’t win.
I lost hope that he would ever change and it made me feel as miserable as he did.
Eventually I left and he went even further downhill until his brother and his wife took him in.
They too were desperate, but everything changed when they took him to a barbecue at a friend of his sister-in-law’s. He started talking to a woman who was at the party and they hit it off.
She is younger than him and has been single for seven years; desperate for children, willing to look past some obvious flaws and try things.
I was still hoping that the breakup would make him see the logic, change, and come back to me.
But that didn’t happen. Instead, he turned into the man I always wanted with her.
In one year he transformed from a fat, unmotivated, negative, obnoxious man into someone people admired, respected and wanted to be around.
He has lost a lot of weight, hardly drinks alcohol, eats healthy and is loved by all her friends.
He has a new job and – the final stab in the heart – she is pregnant.
Suddenly the world isn’t such a terrible place to raise a child.
I try to be happy for him, but I’m devastated.
What does she have that I didn’t have? Why couldn’t he change for me? I know it’s weird, but I feel like he tricked me.”
A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE
A husband and wife (not pictured) shared their perspectives on what changing partners and changing as a person feels like (stock image)
“For years I saw myself reflected in the eyes of someone who saw every failure, every mistake, every mistake.”
Rick, 44, has spent more than two decades trying to please his wife Grace. He finally thrives with a partner who accepts him for who he is.
‘The saying: ‘My wife doesn’t understand me’ is almost always the punch line of a joke.
But if you really feel that way, it’s anything but funny.
For the last three years of our 24-year marriage, I would say my wife actively hated me.
I was a bitter disappointment to her: it radiated from every pore of her body. She made fun of everything I did.
She would roll her eyes at our friends if I dared to express an opinion that was different from hers. It was clear to everyone that she hated me.
Our sex life fell off a cliff after the kids were born (they are now young adults). She was never clingy and when I tried to hug or kiss her she would take it as a request for sex and tell me to ‘stop clawing her’.
When we got married, I was an aspiring lawyer and was tipped to one day become a partner.
I’m not sure what happened – I don’t think I have the killer instinct that my colleagues do – but as the years went by, it became clear that I wasn’t going to rise through the ranks. I didn’t want to.
I found my job boring and repetitive and wanted to try a new direction.
But she married the package, not the man. I was measured by how much I made compared to her friend’s husbands.
She didn’t want to know my dreams, but only punished me for her disappointments. That quickly turned to bitterness and resentment, and then she became downright mean.
Finally, after years of being belittled and told I was something I wasn’t, I left. My children didn’t blame me.
About six months later I met my new partner. She was divorced with two children, and I met her during the school run. We smiled at each other and then started talking.
At first we were friends and felt sorry for our separations. Then it turned into something beautiful.
For years I saw myself reflected in the eyes of someone who saw every failure, every mistake, every mistake. It made me feel terrible about myself.
My new partner only sees the best of me. I’m smart, shiny and new to her, so I feel that way.
‘I have chosen a new career and my children, family and friends all say how different I am. Yes, I’ve changed, but carrots work better than sticks.
I have little to do with my ex-wife. Why should I? But I know she’s not happy for me.
She told our kids that I’ve gone back to being the man I was when I married her, and she’s angry that I haven’t stayed that way with her.
“There’s nothing like decades of humiliation and verbal abuse to suck the life out of someone.”
HOW TO PREVENT IT FROM GETTING YOU
It’s normal to feel hurt, frustrated, and angry when your partner is now living the life you wanted with them. Here’s how to keep those negative emotions from consuming you.
It’s not about you
His personal journey is his personal journey. It is not a reflection of your worth or the success of your marriage. People evolve and sometimes it happens outside the marriage, not inside it. It’s not an indictment of you or the effort you’ve made.
Focus on what is happening in your life
Dwelling on your ex’s new relationship or marriage does little but trap you in a toxic cycle of comparison and frustration. Instead, focus on yourself. Seek therapy if you need it, surround yourself with positive-thinking friends who will encourage you to look forward and not back, become passionate about life, exercise, eat right, and prioritize sleep.
Rephrase the story
Instead of seeing the situation as you failing and someone else winning, see it as proof that he listened to you after all! You’ve helped lay the foundation, and while you don’t reap the benefits, you’ve helped him become a better partner in the long run.
You have no control over your ex’s behavior
Or who he becomes in the next relationship. Find comfort in the (very wise) Serenity Prayer: Accept the things you cannot change, have the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Take a deep breath and release it with grace and dignity.
For more information about Tracey’s blog, product ranges and podcast, visit traceycox.com.