DEAR JANE: My wife says she will put me on a ‘sex ban’ if I vote for Trump

Dear Jane,

My wife and I have been together for three years and married for over one year. We have a lot in common – except when it comes to politics.

We live in Pennsylvania, so we know a lot of Democrats and Republicans – and everything in between. I enjoy having a wide range of friends, regardless of where they are on the political spectrum.

I’ve always known my wife is a liberal, but it’s never really been an issue, especially since we met shortly after the last election.

Donald Trump was gone and she was content with a Biden presidency. But I have been an avid supporter of Trump since he ran for office in 2016.

When it became clear that Trump would be the Republican candidate this time, the political differences between us began to become visible.

We agree with each other in most situations, but when it comes to Trump, she is extremely single-minded in her ways. She constantly says how much she hates him when he’s on the news, and repeatedly asks me how I can possibly support him.

We had to stop the Trump vs. Kamala Harris debate halfway through because we couldn’t stop arguing. I don’t think our marriage would have survived a second debate!

So as the election approaches, we’ve decided to stop talking about politics altogether. We don’t watch the news anymore when we’re both home. We don’t discuss what we read.

This new dynamic was working pretty well — until this week, when my wife declared the morning after a particularly steamy bedroom session the night before: She’ll impose a “sex ban” on me if I vote for Trump.

She says that because the race in Pennsylvania is so close, my vote alone could change the entire outcome of the election, and she refuses to have sex with me unless I vote for Harris… or at all.

Obviously I am not I’m going to vote for Harris. I’m desperate for a second Trump presidency. But I also couldn’t live without our sex life. How can I explain to my wife that I cannot change my beliefs so easily?

By,

Lonely Trumper

Dear lonely Trumper,

Leaving aside the delicate and deeply divisive subject of these elections, I would like to focus on the ultimatum given to you.

Ultimatums are generally never good things in a relationship. The fact that your wife issued one is concerning and illustrates the need for you both to work on your communication skills.

Healthy relationships require communication and kindness above all else. Curiosity is key. Given the political disagreement between you, a healthy approach might be to talk to each other about why you like the candidates, what fears you have, and what your hopes are for the next four years.

Try to understand why the other person is so committed to their side, rather than berating them for that choice.

Boundaries in relationships can be positive. For example, a healthy boundary your wife set might have been a request for you not to discuss your politics so that she can protect herself from hurt.

An ultimatum, on the other hand, is deeply controlling and never a healthy way to communicate because it will inevitably lead to resentment. Unfortunately, resentment rarely goes away on its own.

Instead, resentment that is not addressed and discussed in an open manner where both parties can listen to each other will always fester, leading to bigger, more damaging problems.

There is no simple answer to your problem. As with the upcoming elections, there may not be a clear winner.

But political disagreements have destroyed countless families and marriages. So unless you plan to become one of them, I urge you and your wife to find a professional therapist or counselor who can help you overcome your differences and find a way to communicate without having to control each other.

Dear Jane,

My husband and I have friends of 30 years who recently went vegan.

Every time we see them now, they insist on only cooking vegan food or eating in vegan restaurants.

Why is it only about what they can eat? The woman even made a fuss at our daughter’s wedding and demanded that a waiter arrange a vegan meal for her.

We love them very much, but we are tired of the lack of attention from them. What can we do?

By,

Flesh moaning

Dear meat man,

I often find that people’s intransigence when it comes to food choices has to do with the need to be ‘special’. This is especially true when they make a big public song and dance about what they want and don’t want to eat. If you can, seek compassion.

Most people live their lives in silence, without the need to impose their needs on everyone. Those who do often express long-hidden feelings (often from childhood) about the need to be important, to stand out in some way.

The fact that your friend made a fuss at your daughter’s wedding leads me to believe this applies to her.

She could so easily have brought her own food or arranged something in advance, quietly. Her creation of a scene makes me believe there is more going on here.

You don’t always have to follow their example. Find a restaurant you want to go to and contact them ahead of time to make sure the kitchen allows vegan choices for your friends. This way everyone is happy.

Dear Jane,

My widowed father is 79 years old. He has a girlfriend that I can’t stand.

She really is a parasite. She doesn’t pay for anything. He takes her everywhere and always pays the bill for drinks or dinner, even though he has a fixed income from his pension.

When I criticize her, he says, “Don’t you want me to be happy?”

Of course I do, but everything is always about what HE can do for her, never what SHE can do for him.

How can I protect him?

By,

Worried child

Dear concerned child,

Unfortunately, you can’t protect your father.

Despite his advanced age and your belief that he is being taken advantage of, he is an adult, living his own life and making his own choices.

This is such a common dilemma. I currently have a friend whose father in his nineties is spending all his money on a woman thirty-five years younger than him. It is clearly an abusive father situation, but there is little that can be done about it.

Try to focus on the fact that no matter how greedy you think this woman is, she eases your father’s loneliness and provides him with comfort and companionship.

As hard as it is to hear, it is not your place to dictate how your father lives the rest of his life.

Perhaps it would be best for your relationship to see him alone, to keep quiet about his girlfriend, and to focus on easing the burden of caring for him—a responsibility that so often falls solely on the children. .