My husband wrongly blames me for our son’s eating disorder | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

My husband and I have two teenage boys, the youngest of whom is 14. Our youngest son struggled with anxiety and low self-esteem, issues that were exacerbated during the Covid pandemic. One of his main challenges concerns food. He is very underweight and in the bottom 1% for both height and weight.

Although my husband and I generally agree on the nature of the problem and its possible solution, we are seeking help from health professionals and carefully considering how we can support our son’s weight gainwe are in constant conflict with each other.

He seems to believe that I am largely responsible for our son’s problems. that I’m not taking the situation seriously enough. He criticizes me for being a vegetarian and encouraging our son to follow the same diet – which is not entirely true, he is an enthusiastic animal-lover so hard to discourage! He also blames me for not involving health professionals sooner and for not addressing the issue in the way he believes is necessary, but he is also not clear about what he expects.

His increasing obsession with the issue seems to be exacerbating the problem rather than alleviating it. He puts the burden and blame squarely on me, which makes the situation more unpleasant for everyone. I feel like my husband has a tendency to catastrophize and his need to blame allows him to avoid confronting his role in the problem.

I am very dissatisfied with the way he is talking to me about this issue, especially within earshot of our children. This dynamic is becoming increasingly toxic and I’m not sure how to help him see things from a different perspective.

Both you and your husband need to come together for this and stop blaming each other, which entails compromise both your parts. Nothing is more important here than your son’s well-being, and his problems with eating may be a demonstration of a larger anxiety he feels at home.

I went to see UKCP accredited child and adolescent psychotherapist Lucy Fuller. “You say that your son has always struggled with anxiety and low self-esteem, so I wonder if he finds certain aspects of his life difficult and if this is reflected in his relationship with food and eating.” In other words, not eating could be a symptom of something else and it’s something else that you may need to get to the bottom of.

“I’m curious,” Fuller continued, “to find out how you and your husband talk to your son about his problems and how you can empathize without trying to correct his behavior?”

We weren’t at all sure if you had taken your son to someone to help him. I also went to Beat, the eating disorder charity, who said: “The most important thing now will be to put a plan in place that is in the best interests of your son, and to seek input from healthcare professionals. If he is not feeling well and has an eating disorder, you may be offered family therapy, which can be helpful for all of you. If your son has an eating disorder, he can certainly make a full recovery, but the sooner he gets the help he needs, the better his chances are.”

Keep in mind that children may find it very difficult to talk about how they feel and may feel disloyal if they say something critical of their parents. As a result, your son may refuse to participate in family therapy.

However, your son may be “just” small and frail – someone has to be on the edge of the percentages. He may not be concerned about food, he’s just not too interested in it – you couldn’t tell from your letter. You’ve told me a lot about the challenges you and your husband have, but you missed the key details of what your son’s eating “challenges” were, even though they were long-standing. Does he only like certain foods (possibly he has Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (Arfid?)). These are all questions that require your attention.

Fuller also advised “whether he could see a therapist for his anxiety; I wouldn’t immediately eat or bring food to work, but just be curious about his anxiety and how that plays out. Investigate what the triggers could be.” I would also try to create safe spaces for him to talk about his general feelings. Driving is ideal for this. It may take some time, especially if your son has learned that his behavior worries his parents.

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