JAN MOIR: Charles battles for the monarchy. William battles for the underdog. And Harry? He battles for himself

Halloween is over and Christmas is fast approaching. In terms of international and domestic markets, we are now in the most lucrative sales period of the year: a time when business-savvy celebrities and big stars are all looking to get their product in front of the public.

Whether their reward is cold hard cash or simple warm goodwill, this is the time to make hay. Everyone wants a piece of that profitable holiday cheer. And today, the royal family is no different.

Like rock stars on tour or authors publishing new titles in the hope of a festive bestseller, the royals are out for revenge. The King and Queen have been on a tour of Australasia, engaging in as many as ten battles a day and apparently encountering limited republican resistance.

Yes, there was that crazy brawler in Canberra who accused our dear Charles of genocide. Oh, come on. He’s an innocent old dear! The king is a peacenik who doesn’t even use pesticides on his begonias and treats his cows and sheep with herbs and homeopathy.

And let’s not forget that Charles embarked on this tour while still recovering from cancer, accompanied every step of the way by two doctors, just in case.

The way he has fought cheerfully, patricianly but courageously in his tailored safari shirts and crisp bed linen has made me look at him in a new and admiring way.

And despite the relentlessly upbeat atmosphere, there was a moment at the end of the Samoa summit that hinted at the pressures and worries throbbing beneath the ever-cheerful royal surface.

“I will always remain committed to this part of the world and hope I survive long enough to return,” Charles told his hosts in a moving speech.

At his side, these melancholy words brought Queen Camilla to sobs. In fact, they both looked emotional.

He will be 76 in two weeks, while she is a year older. A time in life to fix the fuses and turn off the lights, perhaps, rather than embrace their inevitable fate of being in the global spotlight.

The sense of duty that keeps them on the road is an honor for both of them.

In the meantime, the first documentary featuring Camilla since her coronation will be broadcast on November 11.

Her Majesty The Queen: Behind Closed Doors (ITV) sees Cam on Cam meeting survivors of domestic violence, an issue she has campaigned for for more than a decade.

This new exposé of Camilla’s good works follows this week’s two-part documentary We Can End Homelessness (also ITV), in which Prince William unveiled his ambitious initiative to end homelessness in Britain within five years.

His project – called Homewards – is daring, brilliant and certainly doomed to failure, but you have to admit that it is brave and ambitious. The protection and safety of his most vulnerable subjects is exactly the kind of mission a would-be king should undertake.

As one of the country’s wealthiest landowners trying to help those without carpet tiles, Prince William is not oblivious to the paradox of his position – but he won’t let that stop him.

“I don’t believe we have to live with homelessness in the 21st century,” he reasoned. ‘I feel like I have to bring about change with my position and platform.’

Next week he heads on tour to South Africa, where he will make commitments around his Earthshot Prize awards. He is survived by his wife Catherine, who also suffered from cancer this year, and children. He also continues to fight in his own way.

To their credit, these most important royals are not afraid to embrace big and difficult subjects, or expose themselves to the scrutiny of documentary cameras. Unlike some.

Where in California are Prince Harry and his jam-making motherpreneur wife? The Duchess of Sussex is still unable to get her struggling lifestyle brand American Riviera Orchard off the ground – and will miss the Christmas trade entirely this year.

The latest setback comes from a long-standing company called Royal Riviera, which has filed a protest with the Patent and Trademark Office, claiming there is a “likelihood of confusion” with Meghan’s American Riviera Orchard label.

The Duke of Sussex, for his part, has just made a documentary about the elite sport of polo – his favorite hobby – while the paperback edition of his tell-all, whiny autobiography Spare hits stores at Christmas.

He is also desperately trying to ignore Eric Trump – the second son of presidential hopeful Donald – who has done so publicly

called Harry a ‘black sheep’; ‘unpopular’; and ‘someone who doesn’t matter’. The words pot and kettle come to mind, but it’s embarrassing and humiliating at the same time.

If you need another example of the fundamental difference between the two warring brothers, you can find it right in front of you here: William fights for the underdogs, while Harry fights for himself.

At the end of it all, you could argue that the status of the Royal Family is not what it used to be and that when Queen Elizabeth died, much of their prestige and mystique died with her.

But you know what, despite the difficulties and illnesses that 2024 plagued the House of Windsor? Against all expectations, Charles and William are doing fine.

What about the Saga cruise passenger who thought she was going to die when her ship was caught in a storm in the Bay of Biscay? Last year, Carol Lake was aboard the Spirit of Discovery when it was hit by force 11 winds and 30-foot waves as it sailed from the Canary Islands back to Britain.

One person died and more than a hundred were injured in the chaos as the ship lost propulsion and furniture was thrown around.

It was completely terrifying, but Carol just went to her cabin and turned on the TV to watch an episode of Strictly. ‘I realized that if we crossed it, no one in the Bay of Biscay would come to rescue us. I thought this was it and I wasn’t going to make it. But I also thought, ‘I’ve had a good life,'” she said.

“I was just trying to stay somewhat normal in a situation that I had absolutely no control over.”

I admire her presence of mind and her sequin-drenched sangfroid. I hope that in the same circumstances I would do the same. Just sit quietly in a corner. Looking at my photos of Daniel Craig as the waves crashed through the portholes. What a way to go.

The art of being Madonna’s son

Last week it was all about Lourdes Leon, Madonna’s daughter who dabbled in singing and considered acting before becoming a model. “Models are personalities and artists now,” she asserted, brandishing a Marc Jacobs handbag like a pro. Whatever.

Now meet her brother Rocco Ritchie, aka Rhed, an emerging paint and canvas artist who sells his blobs for £40,000 each.

Madonna attended his show in Paris this week, beaming with pride. In a catalog of his work we read that ‘societal conflicts, generational problems and fixation on celebrities’ are subjects that Rhed ‘approaches in a coded manner’.

Some of his works are even ‘price on request’ – an ambitious affectation usually reserved for a Hockney or a Picasso.

My expert friend in the art world despairs. “Zero talent, no psychological insight and very ambitious pricing,” he sniffs. ‘And if you visit diploma shows at art schools, you see hundreds of artists with more talent.’

Maybe – but is their mother called Madonna? Thought not.

Why Clare and Sandi are a living joke

Clare Balding and Sandi Toksvig are both proud lesbians, but strangely neither are friends with women. Clare is all for co-ed sports, while Sandi openly mocks those who object to men taking part in female sporting events.

Clare said this week that she even thought mixed football should be an Olympic sport. “It’s not about strength: it’s about speed, skill, vision and incredible ball skills,” she added. This is so ridiculously untrue. Not just because I grew up playing football with boys and still have the scars to prove it.

We all know that the lionesses have an amazing side, but they don’t have the strength of their male counterparts. Just like female tennis players could never compete against men – and it’s ridiculous to say otherwise.

Meanwhile, Sandi’s Women’s Equality Party fired one of its executives for sensibly arguing that children should not be labeled as transgender. Now the party is to be shut down after receiving just 1,200 votes in the general election. “It’s because politics has shifted to the extreme right,” a WEP spokeswoman said. Perhaps they haven’t noticed that a Labor government has just been elected. Clare and Sandi are such woke jokes.

Suicide pods may not be the perfect answer to end-of-life issues, but I’m all for them. Low budget, practical, located in a quiet forest near your home? Why not? Why not just flip the switch and inhale the fumes when it all gets too much? It’s not inhumane, it’s quite the opposite.

Those without hope, those afflicted with debilitating and painful terminal illnesses, deserve an option that can end their suffering, that gives them control, that offers them the promise of a good or dignified death.

It is a complicated issue, with many difficult consequences and outcomes. But as a society we need to start examining these choices and our attitudes towards them. What a comfort to those affected, just to know that the option was there should the worst come to the worst. Even if they never act on it.

Spare us the politics of grudges, Carol

Should we all feel empowered and wonderful about a woman handing in the budget for the first time?

Count me out, sisters. Especially when Chancellor Rachel Reeves welcomed raising the price of private jet travel and clumsily mentioned travel to California.

According to snickering Labor smug Carol Vorderman on X, this was ‘a dig at Rishi’.

How incredibly petty. If women in high political offices will behave by indulging in such pettiness, then I want no part of it.

Rachel, with all her hateful, student-political rancor, puts me to shame.