Do you suffer from Good Girl Syndrome? I was so burnt out I could hardly function… then I realised the word I couldn’t stop saying

As children – and this is especially true for girls – we are praised for being kind, for helping, for being accommodating.

Carrying these traits into adulthood provides further validation. Being the woman that your friends, your boss, and your coworkers know will say yes to everything will help you get ahead in life. Things just feel easier when people like you.

And so ‘people pleasing’ becomes a personality trait; one that continues to strengthen you, no matter how much pressure it puts on you, no matter how loudly that inner voice says: ‘I don’t have the capacity for this.’

You ignore it because all that matters is maintaining your “Good Girl” image. Until you finally break.

Believe me, I should know.

When clients describe their pathological need to be perfect, to not let anyone down, to be liked by everyone, I nod in recognition.

The so-called Good Girl Syndrome is debilitating. Three years ago I was so burned out that I could barely function for a while. I couldn’t tell my husband what I wanted to eat; to interact with my children; to even answer my phone.

All I wanted was to lie on the couch. My nerves felt so exposed it was like I had lost my skin.

Until then, I said yes to every request, no matter what it cost me.

In my quest for constant approval, I had given myself away as if I were an endless resource.

Now I had nothing left to give. It was a frightening but essential wake-up call. I had to mark boundaries; it was time to start saying ‘no’.

Anyone who suffers from Good Girl Syndrome will recoil at the idea of ​​doing that – or anything else that means other people might not be as happy with you. The thought that someone might not like you, “get” you, or think really good things about you can trigger a visceral reaction.

Feeling incoming disapproval causes panic, deep feelings of shame, and a desperation to turn things around so that person changes their opinion of you. But that’s not a good way to live.

Because the uncomfortable truth is that some people don’t like you. For some, it’s something you did or didn’t do. Others can’t put their finger on why they don’t like you – they just don’t, and no amount of pleasing or pleading on your part will change that.

And that’s okay. My work as a psychotherapist is about encouraging clients to stop being afraid of how much is beyond our control. And to realize that our greatest fear—that the people most important to us will abandon us if we show our real, non-people-pleasing selves—is unfounded. Instead, life improves once you stop constantly pleasing others.

It’s a message I share in my book, The Uncomfortable Truth, and in my conversation with Mail columnist Bryony Gordon on her podcast The Life of Bryony.

On Monday we shared our own experiences with Good Girl Syndrome, and in today’s follow-up episode we’ll hear from listeners about their own struggles. And now I want to show you how, by accepting five hard truths, you can stop living for others and start enjoying yourself. . .

IT’S ACTUALLY OKAY TO DISAPPOINT PEOPLE

As baffling as this sounds, disappointing people is a very healthy thing to do. I’m not talking about going out of your way to let someone down.

But saying “Yes” would mean prioritizing someone else’s needs over your own well-being – for example, taking on a task at work when you’re already overloaded, or going to a friend’s party when you really need on a quiet evening – then that’s perfectly reasonable. putting yourself first by saying “No.”

If someone really cares about you, he or she can tolerate a little disappointment. You’re just infantilizing them by assuming they can’t do that. So, instead of pretending that you would like to do it, explain your situation honestly. But not exaggerated. After all, ‘no’ is a complete sentence. If you mean enough to them, they will get over it.

Appeasing people won’t make them like me

We’ve all heard of the fight-or-flight response. It is when, in a challenging situation, we confront our aggressor or freeze emotionally.

Yet in such situations there is actually a third reaction, the Fawn reaction. This is where you smear the person, making you feel threatened, in an attempt to get him or her to like you.

I did this with a girl in college who I felt was constantly annoyed by me. But no matter how much I sucked her, nothing worked. I lay there at night racking my brains over what I could have done or said.

Finally, during a night out having a few drinks, she confessed that she didn’t like me because I reminded her of her horrible cousin.

The cause of the problem had nothing to do with me, which is so often the case.

If someone doesn’t like you, instead of desperately trying to rectify the situation, try to make peace with it. If they have already made up their mind about you, wasting energy trying to change it becomes an exhausting and fruitless task.

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS

One of the most transformative things that helped me emerge from Good Girl Syndrome was realizing that I am not responsible for the feelings of others.

I am responsible for my own behavior – that I am not cruel or unkind – but how someone feels when I say “No” is something they have to deal with, not me.

Yes, someone can feel hurt if a decision you make does not directly benefit him or her.

But if it causes them to behave badly and cause conflict or upset, that’s entirely on them.

And if someone is hurt because of you, and you are not aware of it, it is his or her responsibility to tell you or let it go.

BEING HONEST DOES NOT MAKE ME ‘DIFFICULT’

Being a good girl often manifests as pretending to be someone you’re not.

You say you like foods you can’t stand; you hum along to music you don’t like. I’ve even known women who would simply put up with mispronouncing their names without correcting the person who did it. We do all of this to avoid being seen as ‘difficult’ or potentially offensive. Ultimately, the underlying fear here is one of rejection.

But isn’t it better to be your authentic self? And not just for your own good. The person you’re giving the wrong impression to certainly deserves to get to know the real you.

I deserve to put my own needs first

The times when I most pleased the world are also the times when I felt the most suffocated and depressed. Being a good girl means doing things you don’t really want to do.

It makes you say things you don’t really mean. It requires you to suppress your own needs and emotions so that you can pay attention to those of others.

Saying ‘no’ is difficult at first. But with practice it gets easier.

You see how the world keeps turning, people don’t turn away from you and the feeling of being constantly overwhelmed starts to diminish.

You also discover that just because you’re not a Good Girl doesn’t automatically make you a Bad Girl. You simply find the freedom to be your authentic self – a woman whose wants and needs you can put first.

That’s exactly what you deserve.