If your husband ignores you or refuses to help, he’s not lazy or selfish, says a top psychotherapist – it’s the sign of a little-known disorder and his worst traits are not a reason for divorce

It’s the tired complaint of women across the country as we guzzle down a glass of dry white wine with our friends. ‘He doesn’t listen to me’, ‘He never does what I ask’, ‘Why do I have to do everything?’.

So you might be interested to hear that a spouse or partner ignoring requests to help with chores or to attend school together may be a disorder rather than a reason for divorce.

We’re constantly coming up with new titles for behaviors that have been around forever, and the concept of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is not new. But the name, and its designation as a disorder or part of the autism spectrum, is brilliant and should be taken very seriously.

I understand that it’s hard not to be dismissive when you feel like you spent the best years of your life yelling at what might as well be a brick wall. It’s also hard not to assume that all men have some degree of PDA.

But PDA is a real condition and requires support and understanding. Here I explain how to know if your loved one is not feeling well – or is just annoying – and what you can do about it…

What is PDA?

Simply put, people with PDA feel compelled to avoid anything they don’t want to do or that is seen as a requirement.

It is an unconscious attempt to maintain control by effectively resisting or refusing to do what society demands, and it makes those who have it desperately anxious, lonely and unhappy.

We were all born to find connection and avoid rejection. If you can’t do what people ask, you’ll be constantly disconnected, plus you won’t understand yourself. There is a lot of self-loathing.

Life, when you think about it, is one long series of demands. You absolutely have to decide to complete a certain number of actions to get through the day. Imagine never being able to achieve what you want to do. That’s what pathological demand avoidance is.

That doesn’t mean guys who still haven’t unclogged the gutters have PDA even if you asked three days in a row.

If your husband has pathological demand avoidance, it will be impossible for him to pick up those plates and put them away. He’s not just lazy, Marissa explains

It goes much further than just not feeling like it or refusing ‘because you’re a nag’. It’s a disease. PDA is often associated with depression and anxiety and is usually said to be part of the autism spectrum, although it is not yet formally clinically recognized, meaning it is very difficult to diagnose.

It is more likely that patients are portrayed as stubborn, difficult or selfish, when the reality is that they live with constant self-loathing and an inability to get through everyday life.

Is my husband autistic?

Autism has become a buzzword. Without disparaging anyone who actually has it, many people say they are autistic because they don’t like being in crowds or talking to strangers.

Sometimes it’s a useful label. However, some of these things probably come from having some degree of autism. I certainly think there are many men on the spectrum, probably more than ever before, who are undiagnosed.

How does PDA manifest itself?

When someone with PDA is asked to do something, he or she may experience anxiety, palpitations, headaches, stomach aches, and sweating. It is very real and the really painful symptoms are comparable to, for example, getting into an elevator when you are claustrophobic, or the fight or flight reflex.

But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to live with it. The first thing people argue about in relationships is money, and the second is the division of tasks.

If you ask your husband, “Can you empty the dishwasher?”, he will say, “Well, I can, but I’m not going to do that right now.”

Later, if you don’t hover over him, he will, putting the clothes in the dryer and taking out the trash. Or, if he stayed for days, he would eventually run out of dishes and do it anyway.

If your husband has pathological demand avoidance, it will be impossible for him to pick up those plates and put them away. Excuses will be given: “I didn’t notice, it’s not important to me,” or anger or aggression.

My husband has an extraordinary ability to leave used tea bags on every surface in the kitchen. When I challenge him about it, he laughs, and eventually clears them away. He has absolutely no PDA. He isn’t stressed by my questions, he just does it on his own time.

Will this make a couple unhappy?

Very likely. The basis of a relationship is to feel seen and heard, and PDA means this is impossible, which will cause conflict and arguments. If your needs aren’t met, your relationship is a very miserable place.

Ultimately, as you know, we will do the offending chores ourselves – probably swearing, bumping and hitting, which makes the patient even more unhappy.

It’s the classic ‘She doesn’t understand me, I don’t understand her’, but basically one person is unwell, making him feel both miserable and frustrated, limiting his life because there are so many things he doesn’t want (can’t do). t) do. They are literally unable to function in society.

Anyone who is successful in their career and their relationships does things they don’t want to do; they make difficult calls, get up earlier than they want, they ask for help. Does he seem stuck, unable to do his job properly, seemingly uninterested in progress? Then he may have a PDA. But you don’t have to feel guilty.

If there is tension in your marriage and you are angry, you won’t necessarily notice that he is suffering.

If I think he has it, what can I do?

You need to learn some strategies, the most important of which is: don’t let it influence you. Remember, he’s not thinking, I’m going to leave the kitchen right away to hurt her or belittle her. He does it – whatever “it” is – because he lives in a different place than you.

Think of it as a disease. If YOUR husband had diabetes, YOU would take it into account. You need to be kinder to him and connect wherever you can.

I say: remember the three P’s. Is it permanent, is it ubiquitous and is it personal? It’s none of these three for you. I don’t mean it’s not hard, but people with PDA have a hard time too.

The best thing you can do is find a group or create a group with others (I realize this is easier said than done). Connecting with others in the same situation will make you feel both understood and a little better.

And it’s important to remember that just as you would say someone has a disease, you’re not being difficult, you’re just having a different brain.

• Marisa Peer is a psychotherapist and author of I Am Enough

www.marisapeer.com @marisapeertherapie