My top ten tips for finding love over-50 and how to deal with ghosting, by veteran dating coach STEPHEN ELLERKER
You’re over 50 and looking for love. But last time you checked, Bumble was a bee and Hinge was a connection attached to a door.
You’re going to need some help navigating this confusing new world of dating apps, swiping right, and the nerve-wracking prospect of meeting up IRL (that’s In Real Life for the newbies in the back). Meet Stephen Ellerker, a dating coach determined to bring his worldly wisdom to your dating life.
Stephen (73), a trained psychotherapist, joined Kindling Dating, an online coaching service, after being approached by founder Eimear Draper who was looking for a guru for her older clients.
After his 20-year marriage ended, he turned to online dating, something he’s done on and off for the past 30 years. He can spot a time-waster quickly and decipher a dubious profile in seconds.
Trust me, you want him as your wingman – and here are his top ten tips for finding what you’re looking for in the Wild West of online dating…
Brighten up your profile
Be authentic. It’s important to sell yourself and generate interest. I wouldn’t make a list of 24 things you don’t want, but be clear about the kind of
person you’re looking for. Ask a friend to read your profile. They know you and they’ll say, ‘I’m not sure about this part, I don’t see that in you.’
I’m drunk photos
Avoid photos of you holding a drink. People may wonder how important alcohol is to you. Have a friend take the photo – someone who can best represent your personality.
Don’t wait for a date
If you are really interested in someone and are not willing to wait weeks to meet them, don’t put up with procrastination. Suggest a video call to break the ice. Don’t tolerate being pushed around.
Visualize the future
To find what you’re looking for, you have to discover who you are. I always ask about someone’s values, beliefs, and principles. I often say to clients, “Imagine you’ve had an amazing year since you finished the six-week Kindling Dating program and you’re calling to let me know. So, when you’ve found the happiness you’ve been looking for, what will you say to me?”
This fresh perspective allows people to visualize what they are looking for.
Review your rules
A sense of connection is very important – that warmth towards someone, the desire to be open with them. Managing expectations is key. If you insist that your ideal partner must look a certain way or be a certain height, you miss the opportunity to find connections.
Rejection is okay…
A useful attitude is that you are going to meet 100 people and you only need one. The other 99 are part of the journey. It is okay if both people say no, but the way you do it is important. Do it with a compliment.
. . . but ghosting is not that
If I get ignored – and that happens quite often – I wait ten days or so and then text back: “It was nice meeting you, good luck with your dating adventure.”
It gives a sense of control and closure – much better than feeling angry. Ghosting is a sign that people have trouble being honest – not an ideal trait for a partner.
Stop sabotaging yourself
If you tell yourself “I’m not lovable” every time a date goes wrong, that negative belief will influence your behavior and prevent you from finding love. If you expect rejection, you’ll be on the lookout for any sign that a date will throw you off.
If they don’t respond to your message right away, instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt, you reject them before they reject you. Or they finally send a message and you don’t respond.
Withdrawal is what we call an amygdala response. It’s a reaction to fear of something—you freeze, fight, or flight. But then the other person thinks, “She’s not interested”—and your expectation of rejection becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Learn from your past
It can be illuminating to examine these thoughts, possibly together with your parents, to see where the unwanted beliefs come from.
Common statements include, “I’m not good enough” or “Everyone lets me down.”
It can shed light on the negative dating habits you are prone to.
Trust issues can also be a sign that you haven’t grieved the loss of a relationship. Examining why you behave the way you do can make it easier to change unhelpful behavior.
Successful dating is about growing as a person. Otherwise, you end up repeating the same relationship patterns.
Free your mind
Be curious about who they are and what makes them tick. Set aside the idea that you are looking for the love of your life.
Treat every date as an experiment. It gives you the freedom to have fun, explore potential, and find chemistry.
– For more information about coaching sessions with Stephen Ellerker and the Kindling Dating 6-week challenge, visit kindlingdating.com