BEL MOONEY: My husband sits around watching films all day, bullies my family and makes crass jokes about cancer. Should I leave him?

By William On Sep 14, 2024

Dear Bel,

I look forward to your page, looking for answers that may apply to me. I am not young anymore, but I still work and get tired, but I hate the idea of being home with my husband, because he works nights and is often awake during the day.

He is very selfish; life with him is hard to bear now. The positives are that we both like to go out and go on vacation. The negatives are many and I don’t know how much longer I can bear this life.

I do absolutely everything around the house, including DIY, gardening, and heavy stuff. He does nothing but watch movies and Facebook. No hobbies. He gets irritated when I mention the lack of help, even though he is basically useless for all jobs.

I was married to a controlling man for 12 years. We broke up and I met my current husband. He was completely different and (I thought) a breath of fresh air – even though he seemed immature. He had just finished ten years in the Navy and seemed fun.

We have three children (all now with partners) but I have often had to calm down family situations because of his temper. I know he bullied our two sons. I only found out about it in the last few years. He would scold them and warn them not to say anything to me or they would know. The worst part is his moping and terrible sense of ‘humor’. He pretends to be a nice guy who makes really loud jokes – but at the expense of the people he is telling his ‘joke’ to. He makes really rude personal comments, laughs loudly to pass it off as a joke and then storms off in anger when I try to mention it.

He puts people down for his own amusement and laughs out loud. He has insulted my family and portrayed them as a joke. One day we met two elderly ladies we know in the supermarket and when one of them told us she had terminal cancer he replied, ‘Oh good, I like a good funeral.’

I can’t get that and other comments out of my head. I feel extremely unhappy. When I told him today how bad I feel, all I got was, “Join the club.”

I don’t know what to do. It would be hard to go through another divorce. Sell the house and uproot again. I am completely taken for granted and when I try to solve something by asking for a chat, his eyes go wild.

When he gets angry he punches holes in doors and twists everything. I keep telling myself it could be worse, but I don’t know how much more I can take. Please give me advice.

PATRICIA

Bel Mooney responds: Your letter was more than twice as long as this one and by the end of the first paragraph I realized you know exactly what to do.

It was as if all the details you gave were not for me, but for yourself, as a way to provide evidence in favor of ending this marriage. Isn’t that what we often do, when we complain to friends about aspects of our lives? Give ourselves reasons to make changes?

But change is very difficult. As we get older, even a small change, like trying a new route to work, can make someone nervous.

It’s not easy to admit that an old friend’s views have become toxic and that you don’t want to see her anymore. So how much harder is it to consider starting over after you’ve ended a marriage?

But what can I say when I read a long email that is one long cry of frustration? You married your husband on the rebound (a year is not long) after a bad marriage, and saw his faults, even if you didn’t fully acknowledge them.

You noted that he was anything but a good father and that he was very lazy. Now you admit that it is only the prospect of a holiday that keeps you going.

You hate the idea of being in his home, and you feel chronically ashamed and angry when you are forced to observe his rudeness with other people. He sounds like the bully he was when your sons were younger—and threatened when they hid the truth from you.

Is the only reason you stay in this marriage because it will be hard to end it? You are younger than me, and I must tell you that spending the last period of my life unhappy with a lazy bully and farmer would be a fate worse than death.

I would rather live alone in a small apartment than in a house with a man who makes tasteless jokes at the expense of others. Have you confided in the family? I have.

You must decide for yourself whether you value your life so little that you are willing to sacrifice it on the altar of marriage. I believe in the institution, but not at such a high price. Let me assure you that I have received many letters of thanks from women whom I have urged to end a miserable life with an unloving and unloving husband.

Yes, it is hard – but weigh that against not waking up miserable. And being free.

My friend’s erratic driving scares me

Dear Bel,

I have been good friends with Sally for about ten years. She is 78; I am younger. We live a few miles apart and both have cars. We call each other and see each other regularly. Lately I have noticed that she is declining cognitively in several areas.

The most serious is her driving. One day when she picked me up she started driving erratically, then said she had a really bad headache with a sound in her head that sounded like a constant tapping.

Quote of the week

The lives of great men remind us all

We can make our lives sublime,

And, leaving, we leave behind

Footprints in the sands of time.

From A Psalm Of Life by Henry W. Longfellow (American poet 1807 – 1882)

The drive home was horrific: she was driving at a frightening speed, 25 mph in a 20 mph zone, didn’t seem to know where she was and when I said ‘this is where you need to be’ she slammed on her brakes and swerved left across my neighbour’s driveway before turning right into mine.

My son said it sounded like a neurological problem and that I should never let her drive anywhere again.

I should mention that to get anywhere from her house she has to take a two-lane road first. That scares me, what if she tries to take both parts at once, or, God forbid, goes the wrong way into traffic?

Since she has no family or close relatives, I decided to call her and tell her nicely that I was worried about her health. She got a little quiet, so I asked her if she remembered driving me home, yes she did, so I said that she broke the speed limit twice, which is not her thing, and then she forgot where I live.

She said I had talked too much, which was really disturbing her concentration, and denied that I had been speeding. I told her that I had been quiet during the journey and stressed my concern for her.

Then she started yelling and accusing me of being rude. She said she couldn’t even talk to me now because she was so mad at me – she said goodbye and hung up. I think she’ll eventually calm down and call me, but do you think I crossed the line?

ELIZA

And finally… the simple joy of a job shared with love

Our 17th wedding anniversary came and went without any celebration.

It’s the “Furniture” birthday, but we don’t need any furniture – although my husband did spend half a day driving the trailer 15 miles to pick up a used couch my daughter bought on eBay. By the time he was done lugging it around and putting it in place, he was sick of furniture!

We’re not big on restaurants, nor champagne – so what to do? We marked the day by picking apples (the trees are full at the moment, after no apples last year) to make spiced apple jelly. It’s really delicious with roast chicken and our 2022 supply had run out.

Chop it into pieces, weigh it, add cinnamon and cloves, measure the water, simmer it, pour it through a muslin cloth, add sugar and boil it again, until it sets and can be cooled.

Now the labeled jars of jelly are in the pantry with the green tomato chutney we made last week – and next on our list is apple walnut chutney. I can’t look at cheddar or cold cuts without craving chutney, so this is all a selfish labor of love.

But where is true love? You know the answer. It lies in simple household tasks that become pleasure when shared with someone you love.

When you’re young, it’s great to dress up and go out (no expense spared) or plan a romantic vacation if you know you’ll be spending a lot of time in the hotel room.

But the blessing of a long relationship is that you know you don’t have to rely on ‘romance’, but value the happiness and joy of the everyday. The tricky little cupid grows up – and trades in his arrows for a little knife to chop apples, in quiet company.

Bel answers readers’ questions about emotional and relationship issues every week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names have been changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets that she is unable to enter into personal correspondence.