DEAR JANE: My husband has a DANGEROUS fetish and I don’t want to participate anymore

Dear Jane,

My husband and I have been married for three years. We are both in our early thirties.

We have a great relationship and are very aligned when it comes to family, work and future goals.

We’ve also always had a great sex life, except for one thing.

When we met in college, I was a smoker. I wasn’t a pack-a-day smoker, but I would have one or two, and then more when I went out with friends and drank.

One night, early in our relationship, we were lying in bed and he told me that he found smoking my cigarettes very attractive, even arousing.

At first I found this innocent and funny. I happily went along with it, smoking occasionally during foreplay and after dinner before we went to bed.

But since then it has escalated. He now wants me to smoke every time we have sex and gets grumpy if I say no.

He’s also been asking me to smoke during sex lately, which I find dangerous, distracting, and honestly a little gross.

We hope to have children soon and I want to smoke less, because it can affect my fertility.

His fetish really isn’t helping me quit.

I tried to explain it to him, but he laughed.

I’m starting to worry that this has been going on for so long that he no longer finds me attractive without a cigarette in my hand.

He’s always been such a great partner and always goes along with everything I try in the bedroom, so I feel guilty denying him this.

I wish we could find some middle ground, but I don’t know what.

International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her column “Agony Aunt”

Smoking is hot

Dear Smoking Hot,

Although cigarettes are dangerous to your health, this fetish is surprisingly mild.

It’s not often talked about, but there is a name for it: Capnolagnia: sexual arousal from the observation or imagination of a person smoking.

But I do not want to deny your displeasure.

Smoking is demonstrably bad for your health, and can also damage your bedding.

And more importantly, since you simply don’t want to do it anymore, it’s clear that you need to do something about it.

I’m wondering if there are other ways to fulfill your husband’s desires that don’t involve inhaling harmful substances.

Maybe he’ll be okay with you pretending to smoke a cigarette, like actors do.

There are also plastic inhalers that are used by people trying to quit smoking, but which only emit nicotine.

Maybe we can watch videos of women smoking to give him the dose he wants.

There is currently no recognized cure for capnolagnia. But it seems to me that there are workable strategies to keep your husband happy while protecting your health.

I wish you the best of luck.