I’ve been hurt by so many toxic female friendships, from a narcissist school mum to a back-stabbing colleague. This is how to protect yourself…

I didn’t even get a chance to say hello before the screaming started. I was still in my pajamas drinking coffee when the voice on the other end started screaming for what seemed like an eternity.

In an article I wrote, carefully concealing all personal details, I described the lengths to which parents I know in London will go to get their children into the ‘right’ school (for example, hiring tutors and pretending to move to a different neighbourhood to fit within a certain postcode, while publicly claiming they are not doing so at all).

Of course, no names were mentioned, but she still accused me of writing the article about her. How dare I?

I have been criticized before for articles that someone did not like, but this time the tone was different. It was self-righteous, accusatory, arrogant.

Within the ten-minute tirade, the crucial question was: How dare I write about my own life? Why do I even do this horrible job? she cried.

We used to be neighborhood friends, our children went to daycare together and in the years that followed we would often meet for coffee and share details about their lives.

She was a proud housewife with four children who resented the pushy, professional mothers who, she felt, pursued their own ambitions through their children and used all kinds of ‘tricks’ to help them move up.

What I didn’t know at the time, because she pretended otherwise, was that she was one of the biggest users of these tricks. She was angry because I had inadvertently exposed her hypocrisy.

I hung up in shock and reread the article. It was a general story, addressing a trend that was happening all over London, and it was definitely not about her. Only a narcissist would have thought that.

I was so upset I didn’t know what to do. When someone yells at you on the phone without any preamble, it’s like having your iPhone hit you in the face. First you’re shocked, then you feel like someone ripped your clothes off in public.

Then you get angry because the one who yells first has the momentum of the schoolyard bully. The unfortunate person on the receiving end is completely disarmed.

Then, hours later, you remember what they said and you get angry again. Who says I can’t write about pushy parents? What right did she have to reprimand me for doing my job? The fact that she saw herself for who she is (an imposter) was hardly my fault!

It’s one thing to yell at someone in person, where retaliation is a possibility, but not to be cold on the phone. I realized I didn’t know this woman. The fact that I had taken her word for it and not read her through must have surprised her (I think she assumed I was as cunning as she was).

After this I tried to avoid her. I realized that she was a serial screamer and probably had regular fights with other women. She was extremely ambitious but pretended not to be, and idiot I fell for it.

This wasn’t my first fight. Let’s face it, female friendships can be toxic. Some of my less desirable traits include being catty, prone to jealousy, gossiping, and overly sensitive. In other words, I tend toward “toxic.” However, I recognize this and try to rise above it for the most part, or at least keep myself from it.

The reason female friendships are contentious is that women often pretend they are not competing, when that is all they are doing and at all levels. We compete over appearance, marital success, child success, body shape, social status. We compete over taste in interior design, over cooking skills, careers, income, wardrobe.

A very good friend, who has sadly passed away, once said to me that I was ‘putting women down’. I was hurt by this and asked why? She said ‘because you are American and confident’.

Yes, I am socially confident, I don’t care what most people think and I consider social ambition to be an absurd quest, but maybe this comes across as confident, which is not always true. It’s not my fault that Brits are shyer than Americans.

At least this friend was direct. Toxic women, on the other hand, never tell you what is really bothering them; they tell everyone, so you hear it through gossip. The truth is not their friend.

My most painful toxic relationship was with an old boss. She loved my work and thanked me profusely. Like a good poodle, I always said yes when asked to do more, even if it meant canceling plans to meet her unreasonable deadlines.

We had lunch regularly and long conversations. I ignored how critical she was of every mistake I made or the fact that she paid the men more (I called her out on it, which in hindsight was a mistake).

Then my husband threw me a surprise party and didn’t invite her, even though he had asked others from the office. Little did I know, this made her furious. Then came the guillotine.

After a department change, she was the only one in charge of the team I was working in – and she quickly got me out. I think she enjoyed the intense pain this caused me.

I wasn’t responsible for my birthday invitations because it was a surprise party, but I don’t think she or I cared; she did care that other coworkers were invited. She was socially insecure; I had hit her soft spot.

Many books have been written about toxic friendships, breakups, frenemies, etc. Often there is jealousy or unspoken competition that may not even be fully conscious.

Some women are so controlling of friendships that they don’t let other women in, or they steal friends (for example, you introduced a friend to someone and now she’s constantly over for dinner or on vacation with her and you’re left out). Toxic friends really care about your success, but expect you to enjoy theirs.

I do have good friends now. They all share some qualities (heterosity, authenticity, kindness) and in general they are all much less emotional than I am.

A true friend is like love. When you know it, you know it.

How to Deal with Toxic People

1. Watch for the signs. Toxic people have toxic traits, such as a tendency to malicious gossip (meaning they will gossip about you). They are often self-absorbed. Their ego demands that they win, which often leads to deception. If someone says one thing but consistently does the opposite, they are toxic.

Being consistently late, or selfish about meeting up, or not responding to texts are giveaways. If they have had a few fights, be suspicious.

2. Your boss is not your friend. She may act like it, she may have been that way before, but she shouldn’t be now. Friendships often go wrong at work because assumptions are made. Your former friend may be stricter with you in her eagerness to not show favoritism. It helps to put the friendship on hold for a while.

A woman I know assumed she would get a better bonus because her boss was her friend (she was godmother to her child). When that didn’t happen, they had a big fight.

3. Know the beast. If someone is overly ambitious, socially or professionally, recognize it for what it is. You can be used as a means to an end, as a way to meet people who “matter” or who can advance a career. If you confuse ambition with friendship, you will only get hurt.

Toxic people don’t like intimacy or vulnerability. They have a master plan. Get out of their way, is my advice, unless you have something to gain from it. In that case, call it what it is: transactional. The people who get hurt the most are the ones who mistake a toxic beast for a stuffed animal.