Experience: My Dying Wife Found a Girlfriend for Me

Carolyn was a free spirit. From the moment she sat next to me in a bar in colorado in 1987, i knew she was special. we married in 1989 and i looked forward to spending my life with this fun, confident woman.

Then, four years later, I saw Carolyn walking strangely. A few weeks later, she didn’t see the traffic lights turn green.

She was referred to a neurologist and diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. We loved each other very much, but life was hard. By 2009, my world had shrunk to work and caring for Carolyn. Her condition was getting worse and I refused to think about when she would be gone. It was just too painful.

So when Carolyn said one day in 2011, “Mil, I’m going to find you someone,” I denied it. “That’s fine,” I joked, “but you don’t have to worry about it for a long time.” She said it a few more times over the years, but I changed the subject.

Then, in early 2019, we were sitting with her doctor. Carolyn wanted to stop treatment, and I sat there, numb, listening to her explain her decision. “As we talk about this,” she said, “I want Mil to find someone to be with when I’m gone.” She paused. “And I’m going to choose her.”

I tried to put it off and said I would find someone later. But Carolyn was determined. She would lead this search and it would happen right away. The doctor had not given her long to live – there was no time to lose.

That’s how I found myself creating an online dating profile, typing out a description of myself as kind and caring—words Carolyn dictated from her bed. “I love her, and this is what she wants,” I thought as I uploaded a photo of myself that Carolyn had selected. Carolyn didn’t think I should mention our situation in the profile. “You can explain it when you talk,” she said.

I started talking to people, but when I explained my situation, I never heard from them again. I felt relief, but to my surprise, disappointment. I realized it would be nice to have someone else in my life, but I didn’t want to feel that way – it was upsetting and confusing.

Then, in late 2019, I started messaging Jan. She shared my love of adventure and the outdoors, and had a great sense of humor. I was nervous during our first conversation, certain she would run away once she heard what was going on. “I have to explain something,” I said. “I’m married and my wife has MS. She stopped treatment and wants me to find someone. I do too.”

Suddenly Carolyn asked me for the phone, and before I knew it they were chatting. The next week I went on my first date in decades. Jan was nice and funny. We just clicked.

At home, I tried to answer Carolyn’s questions honestly. It was hard to tell her that Jan and I had kissed, but Carolyn seemed excited. “So,” she said, “when can I meet her?”

As I waited at home for Jan to arrive two weeks later, I was a bundle of nerves. Then Jan and Carolyn met and I was amazed at the instant connection. At dinner, there was laughter and lightheartedness. It felt like family.

Despite my concerns, it wasn’t strange at all, and three months later Jan moved in with me. As I fell in love with her, she and Carolyn became best friends. But as my love for Jan grew, so did my guilt. It felt like infidelity, even though I knew Carolyn wanted it. If she was jealous, she kept it from me. Still, I struggled.

Knowing she didn’t have long to live, Carolyn wanted a celebration of life. In September 2020, family and friends gathered for a barbecue. Two weeks later, I was with Carolyn when she passed away. In my grief, I was so grateful. With her courage and selflessness, she had made sure I didn’t have to go through this alone.

Jan and I got married in August 2022 and Carolyn played a huge part in our day. We had her wedding dress transformed into outfits for our bridesmaids. My cousin was the MC and he talked about Carolyn during the ceremony. “She knew you wouldn’t be able to find a wife,” he joked, “so she had to pick one for you!” I have an amazing wife and it’s all because of Carolyn. She showed me what true love is.

As told to Kate Graham

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