DEAR JANE: A petty argument about bridesmaids dresses is DESTROYING my family

Dear Jane,

I urgently need your advice.

My only child, my daughter, is getting married in October and in January all the bridesmaids went together to pick out their dresses. Since they all have different body types, my daughter suggested that they pick a style that they felt most comfortable in – as long as the dresses were sleeveless and the same black chiffon fabric.

The two bridesmaids were going to wear the same sleeve design but in a different color. My daughter wanted them to stand out and feel special.

Everyone chose a dress and everyone seemed very happy with it, including my daughter.

But two months later, one of the bridesmaids, quite upset that she had not been chosen as Maid of Honor, decided that she wanted to change her style. And without consulting the bride, she ordered a dress in the exact same style as the Maids of Honor.

When my daughter found out, she told her she couldn’t do that because it wasn’t what she had in mind for the wedding dress, and insisted she go back to the original design.

At this point the bridesmaid became furious and adamantly refused to change her design.

Now you might be wondering why my daughter didn’t just kick her out of the bridal party, but the thing is, the bridesmaid in question is my niece. And she and my daughter have been good friends for years.

My daughter is furious and upset about her niece’s behavior, and my husband and I have no idea what to advise her. My sister has already reached out to defend my niece, and she continues to insist that my daughter is to blame for her “difficult behavior,” which really angered me.

My niece is getting really childish about it now. When my daughter called her last week to ask her to change her design, she ‘accidentally’ told her about a surprise wedding the family had planned for her before the wedding.

This may sound like a really stupid thing, but I’m really afraid that this is going to turn into a full-blown war in our family. And that’s the last thing I want a few months before the wedding.

Please help!

By,

Clothing in need

Dear Dress Distress,

It’s so annoying how weddings often bring out the worst in people. It would be a shame if this led to a big family feud.

These types of cases grow bigger and gain more attention as more people get involved, creating momentum for this type of misconduct.

Your sister calling you to accuse your daughter of being difficult is probably not helpful. In fact, I would argue that this is something your daughter needs to work out with her cousin, and everyone else should stay out of it.

This means that the next time your sister wants to talk to you about it, tell her that you and your daughter have agreed that she is not allowed to talk to anyone about it, and that they should work it out together.

I think it is up to your daughter to set the boundaries here. She needs to sit down with her niece, tell her exactly why she is so upset, and maybe let her know that she loves her, wants her to be included, but if her niece can’t accept her terms, she will regretfully have to remove her from the bridal party.

After that, let the chips fall where they may, as long as you and your daughter don’t gossip about it to other family members. I hope it works, and your daughter has a great day.

Dear Jane,

My roommate and I have been living together for six months now. For the last three months, he has refused to take his medication for his bipolar disorder, which has made our living situation very miserable.

He’s always been good at dealing with his bipolar disorder, but something went wrong a while ago and he’s been a nightmare ever since.

He works from home and literally never leaves the house. He stays up all night and makes a lot of noise. He also suffers from mood swings that are becoming more and more aggressive.

I don’t want to invite friends over anymore because I never know what I’ll find when I get home. Plus, I feel constantly stressed when I’m with someone who has such erratic moods.

I’ve tried talking to him about it, convincing him to get back on his meds and even talking to a therapist or his parents about what he’s going through, but he won’t.

After three months of this hell, I really want to ask him to move out so I can find another roommate and get back to my normal life… but I feel so guilty that I have to kick him out when he clearly needs support.

What is the answer?

By,

Roommate Doom

Dear roommate Doom,

I feel so bad that you are going through this. What an impossible situation, to see someone deteriorate who clearly needs help.

It’s clear that you care about him, and I think it’s great that you made the effort to talk to him even though he wouldn’t listen.

As hard as this is to hear, especially given how much empathy and compassion you have, he is not your responsibility.

You don’t have to feel guilty about setting a boundary. For example, you can tell him that he has to leave the house if he doesn’t take care of himself and keep taking his medication.

You can offer to go with him to the doctor if he needs support and you are willing to do so, but the rules don’t change.

You don’t have to go into details. As much as you want to help him, you have the right to protect your own peace.

This is a clear, simple boundary that he can accept or refuse, and then you can give him written notice.