No, your parents are probably not to blame for all your problems: DR MAX PEMBERTON

Nowadays we hear a lot about ‘trauma’. In fact, contemporary psychology seems to be obsessed with it.

Until a few years ago, doctors rarely heard about it except in people who had experienced a disaster, an accident or a life-changing event that had led to post-traumatic stress disorder.

Nowadays it is a different story. Sometimes it feels like everyone claims to be traumatized now, no matter how seemingly normal and boring their lives are.

More and more often I hear patients talk about experiencing ‘trauma’, often in relation to their childhood. When I dig a little deeper, I generally find that they have not been abused, grieving, seriously ill, or necessarily witnessed anything we would consider ‘traumatic’.

In the same way, social media is flooded with people talking about trauma. It feels like it has become fashionable.

In many cases they are talking about ‘struggle’, something we all experience at some point, and it is absolutely not the same.

In my opinion, it is pointless to label every little accident, setback or misstep as a ‘trauma’.

It has become such a buzzword that a number of patients who have experienced serious trauma, such as sexual abuse or rape, have indicated that they are quite irritated by the word being used by armchair psychologists on social media to relate it to anything even remotely disturbing.

Should we really categorize the grief someone experiences when their father misses sports day in the same way as the grief of someone who was abused by their father?

I don’t want to minimize the fact that your emotional needs weren’t met as a child, because that can have long-lasting effects as an adult.

Children need to feel cared for and loved, and in many different ways. Some need freedom, others thrive on order and routine. When parents don’t do it right, it can be incredibly difficult and define who we are as adults.

Someone who does not feel loved in the right way may grow up with the idea that he/she is not lovable and has to work extra hard to please people. For example, he/she may become a desperate pleaser, constantly seeking the approval of those around him/her.

It’s not that they weren’t loved when they were young, but rather that they weren’t loved in the way they longed to be.

This is not to criticize parents, who are not given a manual about what their child needs. Most of the time it is guesswork.

But if your parents were imperfect, then lingering in an emotionally unsatisfying childhood and carrying it as a label will only lead to more problems, keep you in a permanent state of victimhood, and prevent you from understanding your anger and moving on.

One of the world’s leading experts on trauma, psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, whose book The Body Keeps The Score has been on the bestseller list for years, said in a recent interview: ‘When trauma becomes your identity, that is dangerous’.

I think this is very true. When we declare common struggles as “trauma,” we keep looking back and preventing ourselves from accepting that even though our needs may not have been met in the way we wanted, we were still loved and cared for.

Realizing this helps us accept who we are — both the positive and the negative. It’s a good thing that it’s much easier to work through these kinds of difficulties than it is to overcome the trauma of a house fire, or watching a family member die, or being the victim of abuse.

We don’t have to use the language of trauma to understand that life can be challenging at times. However, our difficulties don’t have to define us. We can change, leave them behind, and move on to a happier life.

The World Health Organization has been accused of “punishing” women after it urged new mothers to breastfeed for six months. It’s the best start to a baby’s life, but I’m sick of the pressure put on women by bombarding them with advice that makes them feel like failures if they give birth, feed or parent in a way that doesn’t follow the official line.

Surprising truth about Zara’s trolls

Reality TV star Zara McDermott, 27, has spent time investigating the ‘trolls’ who sent her disgusting comments on social media and was surprised to discover that they led completely normal lives. There was a female primary school teacher and a middle-aged married man with children.

We like to think of trolls as sad, lonely people who are just looking for attention, and some of them are. But psychological studies have suggested that they feel morally superior and justified in putting others down.

As a result, there is often little value in appealing to their humanity, as showing that they have upset you only reinforces their behavior. Psychologists suggest that responding with a level of indifference, but making it clear that their behavior is not OK, is the best approach. It is also vital that we all step in when we see someone else being trolled and show our disapproval.

Scientists have developed a pill that increases the chances of having a baby through IVF by 7 percent. The drug, called OXO-001, is the first treatment that works directly on the lining of the uterus to increase the chances of an embryo implanting.

This will undoubtedly be hailed as a good thing for those struggling to conceive. But we risk overlooking another way to become parents: adoption.

Adoption rates are declining and children in care are waiting longer than ever for adoptive parents. I have a number of young people in my clinic who are in the care system and although everyone tries their best, that is no substitute for a loving family.

I realize that adoption comes with its challenges, but let’s not forget that it is an option and can change lives.

Dr. Max prescribes… A daily laugh

A new, special law in a region of Japan stipulates that people must laugh at least once a day.

The ruling also requires companies to “create a work environment where laughter is encouraged” and that the 8th day of every month be designated a “laughter day.”

The law is based on research from the local university, which showed that regular laughter can reduce the risk of heart disease and help you live longer.