Tracey Cox reveals why your friends are having much less sex than you think

By William On Jul 10, 2024

In a world obsessed with success and comparison, it can be easy to feel like you’re the only one not living an exciting, sexual life.

The reality is that our perceptions of sexual frequency are grossly distorted and hopelessly inaccurate: most of us believe that everyone else is having way more sex than we are. And that makes us miserable.

Time for a reality check.

How often we have sex depends on so many factors that it’s almost impossible to predict what another person will do.

Forget drunken bragging and sexy Instagram posts, these are the things that really reveal what goes on in other people’s bedrooms.

Reading – and then relaxing!

Tracey Cox says our perceptions of sexual frequencies are wildly distorted and hopelessly inaccurate (stock image)

HOW OFTEN I THINK COUPLES SHOULD HAVE SEX

If I had to use one statistic as a target frequency, it would be once a week.

This figure appears to apply across ages, nationalities, genders and lengths of relationships: many couples have sex once a week.

The statistic sticks no matter what is studied: the frequency needed to reap the health benefits of sex, the amount of sex needed to stay connected, the amount that most people are satisfied with. All conclusions tend to stick around this number.

If you have to compare yourself to your friends, I’m assuming this is what they do.

But the only real answer to ‘What is the right amount of sex for us?’ is what makes you happy. The amount of sex that suits both of you.

Find your own normal and – whatever that may be – you can’t go wrong.

How old are you

The younger you are, the more sex you have. The older you are, the less sex you have.

This will come as no surprise to anyone: as we age, our energy levels decline, as do the hormone levels that fuel our sex drives.

What may surprise you is how quickly our peak frequency decreases – and this starts from a very young age.

Men and women in their mid-20s to mid-30s have sex an average of eight to nine times a month. After two years, this drops to six times a month. People under 25 have sex about 11 times a month, but even they have sex less often the longer they’ve been with their partner.

Which brings me to the second most important factor that affects frequency…

How long have you been together?

One study (the Archive of Sexual Behaviour) estimates that couples have sex 146 times a year in their first year together, dropping to 86 times in the second year.

Yes, it falls so fast.

Why does desire wane the longer we’re together? Because desire loves new things—and a new body to have sex with is the best of all! We also want what we can’t have: 24/7 sex can dampen the liveliest libido.

Then there is the overfamiliarity that produces the “sibling effect.” The closer you get to your partner, the less you want him or her. Sociability and connection foster love, not desire. The drop in frequency over time is even more dramatic if you are a woman.

The decrease in frequency over time is even more dramatic if you are a woman.

British expert Tracey Cox (pictured) revealed that the statistic that ‘most people have sex 2.5 times a week’ was never correct

What gender are you?

The longer a relationship lasts, the less a woman wants sex.

A German study found that 60 percent of women want sex regularly at the beginning of a relationship, but that this percentage drops to less than 50 percent in the following four years and to around 20 percent after 20 years.

Four years into a relationship, less than half of 30-year-old women wanted regular sex. Men’s libidos generally remained stable throughout the relationship.

Why do women stop having sex sooner than men?

Boredom plays a big role.

American sex therapist Ian Kerner surveyed 341 respondents in steady relationships: women were twice as likely to report feeling bored in the first year and the first three years of a relationship as men.

Women are also more influenced by another important factor that determines how often a couple “does it.”

How good the sex is when you have it

The better the sex you have, the more often you’ll do it.

The rule of “quality trumps quantity” runs like a thread through all the reputable research and studies: couples who report higher levels of sexual satisfaction have sex more often. About twice as often as couples who do not score high on satisfaction.

No one has great sex all the time. It’s normal for five to 15 percent of sexual experiences to be mediocre or unsatisfying. (If you’re not “failing,” you’re not trying new things.) But if you’re doing more than that, you could be in trouble.

WHY DO SEX DATA VARY SO MUCH? AND THE REAL SEX FACTS YOU NEED TO KNOW

Much of what we believe about sex is not based on fact.

There is a reason why you always find conflicting sex statistics. You will also find some in this article, because…

Some of the data is self-reported. They rely on people to tell the truth – and often they don’t.

Men often overestimate the number of partners and the frequency with which they have sex, women underestimate it. Even though surveys are usually anonymous, there is still a deep-seated fear that someone will find out it’s you.

The average can be skewed by people at the extreme ends. An ‘average’ is not an accurate way to measure something.

This means that the numbers were simply added together and divided by the number of respondents.

The 18-year-olds who are busy like rabbits are combined with 80-year-olds who have it annually or not at all. The median or mode (most common value) gives a more accurate picture, but is mentioned less often.

The media simplify or exaggerate to make a story appealing.

Everyone knows that you can change statistics to support your position. Many statistics are quoted in the popular media without fully explaining the basis or nuances of the data.

Journalists write in the style of the magazine they write for and few want detailed explanations.

The seven-year itch is a myth

It was the title of a movie starring Marilyn Monroe that featured a fictional book, written by a fictional author, that claimed men have affairs after seven years of marriage. There has never been any evidence to support this, but it remains an oft-quoted statistic.

The statistic ‘most people have sex 2.5 times a week’ was never correct

It originated from early research and was misinterpreted by the media. Modern, more reliable research and studies suggest that people are having sex much less often.

Your friends really don’t have more sex than you

In a university study, students estimated that their friends had sex 14 times a month. The actual figure was four to six times a month.

We have less sex than ever before

We’re in the midst of a global sex drought. More British adults report no sex at all in the past month, compared with data from a decade ago. The number of American adults who reported no sexual activity in the past year hit a record high in 2018. The sex recession appears to be global, with Australia, Finland and the Netherlands all seeing similar declines. In Japan, forty-three percent of people aged 18 to 34 were virgins in 2015.

Most people don’t leave sexless relationships

According to the Journal of Marriage and Family, 74 percent of partners who are continually denied sex stay in their relationship for love.

A US study of more than 70,000 people (The Normal Bar online survey) included 8,240 participants aged 50 or older. Thirty-three percent of those couples said they rarely or never had sex – and a quarter of them rated themselves as “extremely happy.”

But taking a break from sex can be dangerous

Many reliable studies show that if a couple goes without sex for a few months, they enter a “non-sexual relationship mode” where it becomes difficult to initiate sex.

For about a quarter of couples having sex, it’s about pleasing their partner rather than themselves

In my experience, couples who have sex regularly say that they spend about 20 to 25 percent of their sex sessions pleasuring their partners rather than themselves. Some therapists say that only half of all sexual encounters in long-term relationships are mutually satisfying for both partners.

What your natural sexual desire is

How often we desire sex is partly predetermined: there is a genetic element. The messages you receive about sex during childhood also influence your desire as an adult, as do traumatic experiences.

If you both have a strong sex drive, you will be the couple having the most sex. Although everyone’s libido gets a boost at first, this usually becomes apparent quickly.

How often you have sex in the first year of being together determines how often you will have sex afterward. Research shows that it sets a pattern: if you have sex more than average, it continues even after two years when there is a point of decline.

It is also true that the person with the lowest sex drive determines how much sex the couple has. It is rarely, if ever, a matter of how much the person with the highest sex drive wants to do it.

Visit traceycox.com for Tracey’s blog, books, podcast and product range.