Why downsizing your home could lead to DIVORCE: The stresses faced by older couples moving into smaller houses may be causing a rise in ‘silver splitters’

In my 45 years as a divorce lawyer, I’ve seen couples break up for all kinds of reasons, from men running off with a younger version of their wife to women running away with their husband’s hotter brother.

Even though I have been involved in around 100,000 divorces, I still regularly see trends emerging.

The latest is a growing number of older couples, known as “Silver Splitters,” who are separating after downsizing their homes.

Usually everything goes well at first. The couple is looking forward to starting the next chapter of their lives, perhaps because the children have finally left the nest, one or both have stopped working and they are excited about enjoying the retirement they have worked so hard for . Then things start to loosen up – and often the downsizing itself is to blame.

Take my clients Tom and Helen*, for example, who decided to cut back last year. When they moved from a three-bedroom house to a two-bedroom apartment, it became clear that many belongings had to go.

Tom insisted that Helen’s family’s ‘trash’ be cleaned up without looking back. Unfortunately, Helen did not share the same view. Her mother’s jardinière, large Chinese pots and a sideboard (carved by her great-grandfather) are not allowed to go. Instead, Helen helpfully suggested that Tom’s collection of 78 rpm records, including those of Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, could go first. Tom completely lost his patience. The arguments continued for weeks, with neither side willing to compromise. Tom and Helen never downsized together, but after a difficult divorce they did so separately.

Helen kept all her mother’s treasures and Tom kept his record collection. The case had a happy ending, however, as Tom and Helen met by chance months later. They are dating again, but Helen tells me they have agreed they will never move in together.

Another flashpoint is the family’s pet and what will happen if they decide to downsize from a large property with a garden to an apartment.

Normally, one party tends to be much more attached to the pet than the other – and would rather compromise on downsizing plans than give them up – while the other party does not want their preferences to come second to an animal .

Tensions can escalate quickly. Where would Rover sleep? Who would take him for a walk? And more importantly: are you allowed to keep a pet in the building where you are going to live? As one client put it to me, “A pet should be for life, not until you get smaller.”

Downsizing couples may also find that their relationship was only held together by their large family home, allowing them to live largely separate lives but under the same roof. The reality comes to light from closer.

Take my client Sally, whose husband Sebastian told her they needed to move to a much smaller house and that Sally would love it. She didn’t do it. In fact, she hated everything about living in an apartment: the noise, the lack of peace, the lack of friendly neighbors.

She felt claustrophobic and realized that every room she entered meant she bumped into Sebastian. They used to watch the TV shows of their choice in separate rooms when they lived in the family home – now they had to watch the same things. He hated reality TV, she loved it. She hated sports, he loved it. She said she didn’t think downsizing would feel exactly the same as lockdown during Covid, and that she just wanted to scream every day.

When Sally came to me, she felt divorce was the only option. Fortunately, their marriage turned out to be salvageable – thanks in no small part to counseling and installing a second TV in the guest room. Marriages can also come under enormous pressure if they are downsized, not only from the couple themselves but also from the wider family.

Families are often used to staying with mom and dad at Christmas, family gatherings or even just for childcare. It is not always well received when this is no longer possible when older couples exchange their house for an apartment.

Many couples have described to me the problems they never expected, such as no longer being able to care for the grandchildren at night or entertaining the family at Christmas.

My client Val and her husband Peter have made a wise choice in their living situation. They had a large garden that they could no longer manage themselves and it was clear that the parental home had to disappear. But they hadn’t considered that their children would feel so left out of their decision that they would no longer talk to them.

In retrospect, Val felt that she had been pressured by Peter to move out of their comfortable family home into a two-bedroom penthouse and had not had time to think it through. She was so upset by the turn of events that she sought advice from a lawyer and a divorce.

Divorce lawyer Vanessa says she has been involved in approximately 100,000 divorces in her 45-year career

One factor that has remained a constant throughout my career is that when a marriage is on the brink, all it takes is one major problem to push it aside forever.

So there may be a death of a parent or family member, a loss or change of job, a move, an affair, another child that one party did not want, financial concerns or a move.

Often the downsizing simply reveals problems that have always been there, but had not yet come to the surface.

Downsizing can obviously breathe new life into couples, but it also brings its own stresses that can break already problematic relationships.

My client Cynthia decided that because the kids had left the nest and cleaning their huge Hampstead house was too much of a chore (and she couldn’t find a reliable cleaner), it was clearly time for her and her husband Charles to move into a much smaller place. only need a cleaning lady twice a week. “What we need is a three-bedroom apartment with a view,” she told her husband.

Well, Cynthia got her wish for such a property, but not quite in the way she had hoped. She couldn’t have imagined that her trusty Charles, well into his sixties, would run off with the real estate agent.

Although Cynthia’s case was extreme, she did move into the type of property she wanted and got a lot more in the overall financial settlement.

And as she told me later: ‘Without having to deal with all of Charles’ idiosyncrasies anymore.’

It is imperative that long before you make the decision to turn your entire life as you know it upside down, you carefully consider all of the above. If you don’t want to end up like Cynthia and Charles, Val and Peter, Tom and Helen or Sally and Sebastian, you really need to think through your decision.

Is it better to make cuts or to be carefully advised about releasing shares before doing so? What will be the impact of your move? Will you regret it for a variety of reasons, or will you enjoy breaking away from the heavy responsibilities that come with a larger home?

And most importantly: do you want to face the narrow future together?

❋All names have been changed to protect customer confidentiality.