DEAR JANE: I’ve uncovered a shocking secret about my boyfriend’s family – telling him could ruin his life forever

Dear Jane,

I have come across some very uncomfortable information about my boyfriend’s family and I am really not sure what to do with this secret.

In the six years we’ve been dating, my boyfriend has never really talked about his mother. All I knew is that she left his father when he was a baby and never tried to contact him or have a relationship with him. He always seemed very excited about it when it came up in conversation, so I never really tried to bring up the subject.

Everyone else in his family treats his mother as if she were Voldemort’s Harry Potter – they don’t mention her name, they just call her ‘that woman’ whenever she is mentioned, and the general feeling seems to be that she has committed an unforgivable sin by leaving my friend and his father behind.

As I’m sure you can guess, it’s a subject I’ve always kept my distance from, although part of me desperately wanted to know more details, simply because it was such a sensitive subject, and it seemed like there might be a more to it story.

I recently met someone through work who actually went to high school with my friend’s mom and dad.

When I told her who my friend was, she immediately asked what I thought about ‘that scandal’ about his parents ‘all those years ago’. I assumed she was talking about his mother leaving, and told her as such – only for her to get a confused look on her face before insisting it hadn’t happened at all.

According to her, my boyfriend’s father was incredibly jealous throughout their entire relationship, and when she told him she was pregnant, he accused her of cheating on him and insisted the baby couldn’t be his.

He threw her out of the house while she was pregnant, telling her he wanted nothing to do with her or the child. He told his family that she was cheating and that the baby wasn’t his, and they all completely cut her off.

After giving birth, she asked him to take a DNA test, but he refused. Apparently she took her own life a few weeks after my friend was born, and her parents took her baby – my friend – to his father and asked him to take his son into his home. He reluctantly agreed, and from what I understand, decided to tell his family that she had dumped the baby with him and fled.

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I really don’t know how to make sense of any of this. Of course, there’s a chance that my coworker has the whole story wrong, and that it’s just the result of conspiracy theories and gossip, but if it’s true… my friend has basically been sold a lie all his life.

I don’t want to bring it up to him without having all the facts because I know it will change his life forever. And I can’t bear the idea of ​​breaking his heart without knowing 100 percent that it’s true.

So where do I go from here?

By,

Secrets and lies

Dear secrets and lies,

The weight of secrets is heavy indeed. I am so sorry that you are carrying this burden, and I have thought long and hard about the difficult situation you are in.

At this point, you are the only one outside the family who knows a different version of the story.

We don’t know if this is necessarily the truth, just that it’s a very different story than the one your friend was told. The added tragedy of the mother committing suicide further complicates this, and I’m once again left wondering which actions would cause the least damage.

There’s a version of this where you say nothing and let your boyfriend maintain the relationship with his father and his father’s family while he continues to feel pain whenever the subject of his mother comes up.

His pain at being rejected will probably have colored his entire life, and as difficult as it may be to bring this up with him, as much discord as it may cause in his family, I think it is a hugely unfair disservice om made him believe all his life that he had been abandoned by his mother.

The truth – if it is the truth – is difficult.

I think you are right to tell him the story you heard, not as the truth, but as another version that he can then discuss with his father and family. Remind him that everyone, all of us, are doing the best we can with the knowledge we have.

And remember that instead of breaking his heart, uncovering the story and learning that his mother loved him deeply can actually mend a heart that has always been broken.

Dear Jane,

I am 56 and have two adult children to whom my husband and I have given much care and love over the years. However, I was recently diagnosed with MS, so my husband and I decided to move to Greece and retire early, hoping that a quieter life might alleviate my symptoms.

In preparation for our move, we put both of our properties on the market: our house where my husband and I lived, and an apartment where my son lived. He had already told us he wanted to move to Australia, so we weren’t worried about him having anywhere to go.

However, while my son lived in the property, we had it transferred into his name for legal reasons, with the understanding that it would always return to us if he found a home of his own.

After we sold our own house, my son offered to help sell the apartment so that we could move to Greece sooner, without having to wait for the property to be bought by someone.

Last month we received an offer, which we approved, and we were thrilled that all our loose ends were tied up, so to speak—and that we would have some money in the bank to live on now that neither of us are working anymore.

However, this week we received an email from our son saying that the sale had been completed and he had taken the money and is taking it with him to start his new life in Australia.

We are absolutely heartbroken. Not only have we lost over $100,000, but worse, we feel completely betrayed by our son, who shows no remorse for his actions and seems to think he is entitled to this sum of money.

It’s so heartbreaking and we’re struggling to accept what he’s done – let alone find out if we should take legal action here.

Any words of wisdom would be welcome.

By,

Greek tragedy

Dear Greek Tragedy,

Betrayal is a terrible thing to live with, especially when it is caused by your child.

I wonder how clear everyone’s expectations are. You say you transferred the apartment into your son’s name for legal reasons, but I wonder if he was aware of the agreement that it would be returned to you.

So often we suffer dire consequences due to a lack of communication.

You say your son shows no remorse, but I don’t know how clear your conversations have been.

I also don’t know where you stand legally. Transferring the property into your son’s name without any additional legal agreement clearly stating the nature of this transaction does not seem to me to be a strong legal position. It’s worth finding out from an expert.

It seems terribly unfair, but I also understand that it may have seemed to your son that you were giving him the apartment, so of course he would be entitled to the money.

Money will always sour a relationship, even with the people we love most. It’s a lot of money, and I hate to see you lose it, but I think your life can be easier if you accept that the bigger mistake was made by the two of you when you transferred the apartment into his name without clear permission . legal contract of what that meant.

I hope time heals the real wounds you feel.