Gas-suppressing corsets… meat gut gowns… and the one celeb auditioning for a Kanye West porno: KENNEDY’S wickedly scathing verdict on the low fashion at the XXX-rated Met Gala

The attention whore rodeo, I mean… the Met Gala, descended on New York City last night and these oblivious haute couture clowns did not disappoint.

As always, the preening buffoons adhered to a dress code.

This year it was the pretentiously ambiguous theme ‘Garden of Time’ – a nod to British novelist JG Ballard’s 1962 short story about a chic couple in a walled compound, who kept intrusive barbarians at bay by throwing off magical crystal flowers cuts that turn the clock back.

The beleaguered aristocrats in Ballard’s story relied on a shrinking harvest to protect them from the passage of time.

These rich boobs – without a hint of irony – enjoy seemingly bottomless budgets for plastic surgeons, cosmetic dentists and Ozempic.

Gala co-chair Zendaya was an early carpet walker who looked like a giant boutonniere while doing that laughably awkward dying turtle pose.

JLo glowed in a custom sheer Schiaparelli Haute Couture gown that gave onlookers a glimpse of her eternal Time Garden.

So while actual pro-Hamas mobs rampaged through the streets of New York City last night, desecrating war memorials and burning American flags, these smug fools felt perfectly safe and sound behind the barricades of the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Gala co-chair Zendaya was an early carpet walker who looked like a giant boutonniere while doing that laughably awkward dying turtle pose.

That’s when beautiful women try to look ugly by sagging their upper bodies while sticking their heads out under the weight of their beauty.

Actress Mindy Kaling cosplayed a can of exploded McDonald’s meat intestines.

Sarah Jessica Parker wore a bouquet of stripper hair extensions under a fascinator and Andy Cohen on her arm, but she still managed to look like an expensive lampshade.

Eddie Redmayne and his wife wore matching bird poop dresses.

The marching orders for TV commentators must have been: ‘Say nice things, otherwise Anna Wintour will scoop out your liver with a dessert spoon, emulsify it and use it as a hand cream.’

Because when Lizzo took the garden theme but came across a handful of weeds, the ass hustlers at E! had no words for it.

Actress Mindy Kaling cosplayed a can of exploded McDonald’s meat intestines.

Sarah Jessica Parker wore a bouquet of stripper hair extensions under a fascinator and Andy Cohen on her arm, but she still managed to look like an expensive lampshade.

Eddie Redmayne and his wife wore matching bird poop dresses.

The “Good As Hell” singer’s dirty tribute to a flower ended up looking like a discarded rawhide chew toy tossed into the grass clippings.

Lady Gaga, she’s not. But she is so healthy and brave!

Who in their right mind would want to participate in this annual audition for America’s Most Obnoxious?

For weeks, the editor-in-chief of Vogue (this year the devil wore Loewe) has been sending out her fork-tongued minions to threaten “Wintour is coming!” and bully stylistically challenged Lauren Sanchez.

And there she was – Mrs. Almost Bezos – apparently embarrassed in a shaggy black lob (that’s short for long bob, you heathen) and an Oscar de la Renta dress of broken glass and pearls swirling into giant roses that adorned her flawless assets paroled in boobie prison.

There is no justice in fashion!

Vogue’s live coverage of the event was provided by a blonde Brillo toad, aka actress Gwendoline Christie, the heroine of Game of Thrones.

Hey, Gwendoline. The Bride of Frankenstein called. She wants her haircut back.

Cardi B won the award for the most unnecessary use of fabric. She broke the carpet record with a team of ten people preparing her dress for every camera sign.

Her headpiece screamed: Marge Simpson and Amy Winehouse had a naughty baby with way too much money to spend on the manicure.

The “Good As Hell” singer’s dirty tribute to a flower ended up looking like a discarded rawhide chew toy tossed into the grass clippings.

Ms. Almost Bezos was apparently shamed into an Oscar de la Renta gown of shattered glass and pearls swirled into giant roses, landing her impeccable assets on probation. There is no justice in fashion!

Vogue’s live coverage of the event was provided by a blonde Brillo toad, also known as actress Gwendoline Christie, the heroine of Game of Thrones.

Rita Ora looked like she had just gotten out of the shower; her hair was soaked and almost naked as she held a shower curtain. That poor dear.

Not one to be washed out, Doja Cat showed up dripping wet with silver eyeliner running down her face and wearing a sheer white dress that burned the corneas of healthy Gala viewers with her trademark unapologetic voluptuousness.

Could she audition to be an extra in Kanye’s porn shoot?

This brings us to Kim K. Everyone’s favorite amateur “actress” wore a corset so tight that when she undressed at the end of the night her fart must have blown out of every manhole cover on Fifth Avenue.

She gets points for pairing a beautiful silver Maison Marciela dress with a gray scarf. And I wondered: if Bianca Censori starts wearing clothes again, will she try to shake off this look?

Kim’s mother, Kris, did not fare so well. She dressed in a giant duvet cover. She shouldn’t have even gotten out of bed.

It wasn’t all a bad night though and I would be remiss if I didn’t give credit where it was due.

JLo glowed in a custom sheer Schiaparelli Haute Couture gown, giving onlookers a glimpse of her eternal Time Garden.

Rita Ora looked like she had just gotten out of the shower; her hair was soaked and almost naked as she held a shower curtain.

Not one to be washed out, Doja Cat showed up dripping wet with silver eyeliner across her face.

Heavy is the head that carries the flowers at the Garden Party. But now that the unbelievers are literally at the gate, time is certainly up for these smug celebrities.

Cardi B won the award for the most unnecessary use of fabric. She broke the carpet record with a team of ten people preparing her dress for every camera sign.

She looked absolutely dewy and natural, unlike her cigarette-sucking other half who was mercilessly mocked for his angry rant at NFL legend Tom Brady last weekend.

Who did Ben’s work? Freddie Kreuger?

Model Gigi Hadid looked like a fairy frozen in a wedding cake in her Thom Browne dress.

Jessica Biel had lazy girl hair that took six hours to make it look messy. She was in a beautiful color watermelon, but the gurl gotta eat a sandwich.

By the end of the evening I was exhausted by the humorless extravagance and wouldn’t have been surprised to see that pale ghost Effie Trinket from the Hunger Games strolling across the carpet next.

Instead, we got Zendaya 2.0 in her second do-si-do of the evening, complete with a giant, multi-colored rose headpiece.

Heavy is the head that carries the flowers at the Garden Party. But now that the unbelievers are literally at the gate, time is certainly up for these smug celebrities.