Jokes about massages, OJ and Gisele divorce fly in Tom Brady comedy roast
Tom Brady took his share of criticism from comedians, former teammates and his old coach during a comedy roast on Netflix on Sunday night.
“It’s like a football match. You run with a game plan, and then you see how the strategy is going, and then you adapt on the fly,” Brady said before the three-hour event. “This is what a dressing room has looked like to me all these years. So it’s not like I’m used to people not laughing at me.”
An impressive line-up of comedians, former teammates and opponents took the stage. Host Kevin Hart said before the event that no topic was off limits, and Hart went on the offensive early with jokes about Brady’s ex-wife, Gisele Bündchen.
“Gisele has given you an ultimatum. She said you retire otherwise we are done. When you get the chance to go from 8 to 9 and it only costs you your wife and your kids, you gotta do what you gotta do,” Hart said, referring to Brady just retiring. in 2022 for another season.
The only time Brady objected to a joke was when Jeff Ross referenced it Patriots owner Robert Kraft and massages. In 2019, Kraft originally received a misdemeanor charge that he paid for sex at a massage parlor in Florida. Prosecutors later dropped the charges after courts blocked the use of video footage from cameras installed by police in the massage parlors.
In the sketch, Ross joked about Kraft offering Brady a massage when he first joined the Patriots. On Sunday, Brady walked up to Ross and said in his ear, “Don’t say that nonsense again,” but it was clearly caught on the microphone and heard by those watching the roast at home. It was not heard by those present.
Later, Kraft and former Patriots coach Bill Belichick attempted the podium together after some urging from Hart.
Belichick was fired in January after 24 seasons with the Patriots, and much has been written in recent years about the friction between the six-time Super Bowl winning coach and owner.
After joking that this was like a reunion and “unlike many family reunions, there are some people I’m desperately trying to avoid,” Kraft praised Belichick for what the two had accomplished.
“I want to say this is the best coach in the history of football who did what no one else has done. And having Tom Brady and him was the greatest honor the good Lord gave me,” Kraft said.
Rob Gronkowski had Belichick and Brady take a shot together after his monologue. Gronkowski celebrated by poking his glass.
Belichick appeared at the start of the roast during a pre-recorded segment when he told Brady that he was “starting the roast” instead of Drew Bledsoe. Brady replaced Bledsoe in 2001 when Bledsoe was injured against the Jets and led the Patriots to their first Super Bowl title that season.
“For all of you out there thinking about who is responsible for the Patriots’ success during the time Tom and I were together – was it Tom or me – the truth is it was both because of me,” Belichick said. said.
Belichick also made a jab at Gronkowski. “A lot of people connect me with the saying ‘Do Your Job’ and some people do their job. Gronk, I’ve been watching you on Fox NFL Sunday, and I’m begging you, please stop doing your job,” Belichick said.
Brady did have some fun at Belichick’s expense toward the end of the show.
“I’ve been out of the game for a minute, so I’m curious: How many Super Bowl rings have you won since I left?,” Brady said. “Maybe it’s not just the guy on the sidelines. When I go to the Indy 500, I don’t ask the winning driver, “Hey, did you gas your car?”
Bledsoe got his own way in attacking his successor, with another reference to Brady’s divorce.
“Look, buddy, you got more rings than me,” Bledsoe said. “But I experienced a few things you never will: the feeling of being the No. 1 overall draft pick in the NFL and a 28th wedding anniversary. It was yesterday.”
Brady responded with a joke that touched on one of the most painful moments in American history.
“Like the rest of America, I will always remember where I was that fateful day in September 2001 when, tragically, those two jets crashed into Drew Bledsoe,” Brady said.
Brady came in well prepared and discussed his monologue with a group of people, including those from Fox Sports, where he will take on a pundit role. He was referring to OJ Simpson, who died last month, while taking aim at his old rival Peyton Manning, who ended his career with the Denver Broncos.
“When I heard that a slow, white Bronco was coming down the 405 tonight to come here, I thought we might see a true football legend,” Brady said.
Hart said he thought Brady performed well.
“You have to be able to laugh at yourself and I love what he’s doing in this forum,” Hart said. “I love that he embraces the things that some people think he’s running from. It’s a celebration of greatness and we do it in a fun way.”
Bledsoe also said Brady has had a sense of humor, but this was a different phase.
“I thought he was very brave. There’s plenty of material to fool him,” Bledsoe said. “The truth is, if you’re a professional athlete, bullying each other is something we do every day in the locker room. And so you better have a thick skin. Now people can laugh about it.