JANA HOCKING: The five reasons why you’re not getting laid on dates – and I’m guilty of at least two

Last week I had an epic date. At least that’s what I thought until, right after dinner, I was taken to an Uber house alone.

You see, I had finally arranged a dinner date with a man who is the definition of va va voom.

He had big, broad shoulders, piercing blue eyes, a bushy but neat beard, and a smile that lit up the room.

He was the kind of man you looked up to. With a great job that commands respect and an eye for detail that was reflected in the way he dressed and kept himself together.

So of course I was nervous. This sounds super cringe, but I had some prepared talking points that I thought he would be interested in and was ready to blow him away.

But thanks to my non-stop chatting, he could barely say a word. Oh, and I was so caught up in chasing him that I forgot to ask him any questions.

That’s two strikes.

The final attack came when I asked if he wanted to go to another bar after dinner and he said he wanted to “go to bed early.”

I was home at nine o’clock. It was the fastest date of my life.

As I somberly took off the sexy lingerie set I wanted to impress him with, I wondered where I had gone wrong. Realistically, I can pinpoint exactly what set him off. I was way too excited, I talked way too much, didn’t ask any questions and barely let him say anything. Oh God.

Then I realized that seduction is an art.

Some people are naturally born with this gift, like Harry Styles with his cheeky grin and shy confidence, Marilyn Monroe with her bedroom eyes and sweet naivete, George Clooney with his deep voice and natural charisma.

And then there are people who aren’t. And I’m sorry to say, those people really stick out like a sore thumb. Myself included.

They’re such little things, but they keep us from having sex and we need to put an end to that. So prepare to cringe (and hopefully self-reflect) as I name and shame the “fatal five.”

Being short on cash

Last night a man offered to buy us a drink. He came back with two glasses of cheaper prosecco, instead of champagne for $5 more. Now I’m going to get in trouble for saying this, but… ick.

If you want to make a good first impression, spend a few dollars more. Yes, these are difficult times, but being a little tight on our wallets doesn’t mean we’ll be jumping into the pocket with you.

You see, I had finally arranged a dinner date with a man who is the definition of va va voom

The same can be said for boys who buy girls Gerbras instead of roses. And don’t even get me started on coupons used on dates. If you are a bit bald, but still want to go on a date, organize a picnic and go into nature.

There are ways to seduce someone without looking tight. Get creative people!

Being far too accommodating

Is there anything more annoying than having a conversation with someone who simply agrees with everything you say?

They look like needy golden retrievers. They say things like ‘yes, totally’ and ‘you’re absolutely right.’

Have an opinion!

Nobody wants to sleep with a doormat.

We want to sleep with someone who challenges our ideas and has the confidence to share their own thoughts and beliefs. That’s hot.

Expressing your insecurities

I have certainly been guilty of this. I would often go out on dates and point out all my flaws in an attempt to show my date that I was already aware of them. For some reason I thought it was cute to laugh at myself, but it only highlighted things that put me in a negative light.

So stop making jokes about your baldness or short stature, or pointing out how bad you are at budgeting, dancing, and keeping a schedule (the list goes on). Treat every interaction as if it were a job interview, putting only your best foot forward. And as the saying goes: fake it till you make it.

Self-confidence is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Feels super thirsty

The ones who clearly just want to sleep with you. Ew. Recently a man came up to me when I was out with friends and he smelled like thirst. He made the epic mistake of grabbing my bare shoulder in this very intimate way and patting my back as he said hello. I immediately went into defense mode. I had never met the guy and yet he felt like he could invade my personal space. Absolutely not.

I have certainly been guilty of this. I would often go out on dates and point out all my flaws in an attempt to show my date that I was already aware of them

One rule when trying to seduce someone. Keep your mitts to yourself until you are given permission to come a little closer.

Not only did this man have no chance with me, he was also labeled as a creep. Of course, when we’re attracted to people, we tend to get sex on the brain, but we play it cool. People are not objects that you can claw over anything.

If you talk too much

Me for example!

Yes, those of us who can’t breathe between sentences. We are too busy talking about how great we are that we forget to listen or ask questions.

Shrink!

Like I said, sometimes I can get overly excited on a date and just want to impress the object of my affection. I look back on those seduction attempts now and realize that I gave off a desperate vibe and that I also seemed a bit self-centered.

Ooft personal growth does not always feel good.

So with a few simple adjustments, we can get rid of those nasty anti-seduction qualities we probably didn’t even realize we had and have more success with sex.

Hurrah!

READ MORE: This is why ‘good’ men cheat, writes Jana Hocking