Dear BEL MOONEY: My American wife and I have said some very unflattering things about my family – now two of them are seriously ill. Should I let bygones be bygones?

Our brilliant Suffering Aunt Bel Mooney has answered thousands of letters from readers. But what if the rich and famous turned to her peerless advice to solve their problems? In a new column starting today for Mail+, we imagine – with a wink – what those letters might say and Bel gives her answer as she would to any other reader. Stars – listen!

Dear Bel,

I hope you can help with a difficult family dispute. Almost six years ago, after years of being single, I married a beautiful, smart and successful American woman, with whom I now have two children. Unfortunately, however, I felt that my family was not warm to her and eventually, in despair over their treatment of her, I moved my family to America to start a new life away from the arduous duties at home. Relations with my family have deteriorated further – both my wife and I have said some very unflattering and damaging things about them – and now we hardly see each other anymore. However, I just received the news that two of them are seriously ill. Should I let bygones be bygones and forget my bad blood with them, or has the damage already been done?

Yours,

Harry

Dear Harry,

How to forgive is – very, very often – the worst of a family’s problems. Too often, both parties in an argument think they are right and will not step back from that confrontational stance. So I’m interested that you seem to be taking the blame here, admitting that both you and your wife have said terrible things about your family in the past, but not providing any detail about equally bad things your family may have done in the past. has said about you publicly.

Therefore, I can only assume they have been quiet. And I’m afraid that would lead any neutral person to conclude that all the aggression – the souring process – comes from you and your beautiful wife. That’s too bad.

My experience is that family disputes are often made much worse by the input of the in-laws into the matter. Frankly, I have had many letters from distressed parents (and siblings) in despair because a previously loving son (or brother) seems to be led on by his new wife. The pain can be terrible.

It is as if the wife, no matter how loving she is, instinctively wants to distance her husband from the family that loves him. I have always believed that deep insecurity – even jealousy – causes this desire, but whatever the cause, it is highly unwise to make the blood ‘bad’. Because most people who are estranged from their families secretly long to make things right at some point. To step back into the family nest. So when previously beloved family members become seriously ill, that’s certainly the cue to swallow pride, climb off that self-righteous high horse, and whisper, “I’m so sorry.” Those simple words become more and more difficult to pronounce as time goes on.

A serious illness should make us all realize how short time is. Now the double whammy of your disturbing news should be the moment for real rapprochement. The crucial question is: are you really sorry? You can only be forgiven if your remorse is sincere and expressed honestly. But that takes courage. As I read it, those precious sick members of your once close-knit family weren’t saying “unflattering and harmful things” about you and your wife, so now is the time to be brave and show that you care. It occurs to me that it might be wise to let your wife think this is her own idea. Perhaps you can help her understand that sincere repentance, expressed publicly, can be a beautiful thing—and can earn widespread praise. Can bygones truly be bygones? No, because harsh words and lies are never forgotten – but if you’re very lucky, they might be forgiven.