Why you should stop texting your kids at school

Virginia high school teacher Joe Clement keeps track of the text messages parents sent to students during his economics and government classes:

– “What did you get on your test?”

– “Did you have the excursion form signed?”

– “Do you want to eat chicken or hamburgers tonight?”

Clement has a plea for parents: stop texting your children at school.

Parents are painfully aware of the distractions and mental health issues that come with smartphones and social media. But teachers say parents may not realize how deeply these issues play out at school.

One culprit? Mom and Dad themselves, whose stream-of-consciousness questions contribute to a climate of constant interruption and distraction from learning. Even if schools regulate or ban cell phones, it is difficult for teachers to enforce this. And the constant buzzing on watches and phones takes up critical brain space, regardless of whether children are sneaking glances.

A few changes in parental behavior can make phones less distracting at school. Here’s what teachers and experts recommend.

Many parents keep in touch with their child by texting, but school is a place where they can focus on learning and developing independence. Teachers say you can still reach your child if there is a change in plans or a family emergency: just contact the front office.

If the message isn’t urgent, it can probably wait.

Think of it this way: “If you came to school and said, ‘Can you pull my kid out of math so I can tell him something that isn’t important?’ we would say no,” said central Virginia school counselor Erin Rettig.

Teachers emphasized: They are not saying that parents are responsible for cell phone fights at school, but that parents can do more to help. For example, tell your kids not to text home unless it’s urgent. And if they do, ignore it.

“When your kids text you things that can wait, like, ‘Can I go to Brett’s house in five days?’ – don’t respond,” says Sabine Polak, one of the three mothers who co-founded the Telephone Free Schools Movement. “You have to stop participating. That only fuels the problem.”

Many parents became accustomed to constant contact during the COVID-19 pandemic, as children did online school from home. They have kept that communication going as life has otherwise returned to normal.

“We call it the digital umbilical cord. Parents can’t let it go. And that is also necessary,” says Clement.

Parents may not expect their children to respond immediately to text messages (although many do). But when students pull out their phones to respond, it opens the door for other social media distractions.

During parent workshops, Rettig, the Virginia school counselor, tells parents that they are contributing to children’s anxiety by texting, tracking their whereabouts and checking their grades daily, leaving children without the space to be independent at school.

Some teachers say they get emails from parents right after they turn in graded exams, before class is over, because kids feel (or are told) the need to report grades to parents immediately.

Dr. Libby Milkovich, a developmental and behavioral pediatrician at Children’s Mercy Kansas City, says she asks parents to think about what children miss when parents are within arm’s reach during school hours.

“Texting back and forth with a parent does not allow a child to practice self-soothing or problem-solving skills,” Milkovich said. “It’s easy to text, but if I don’t have a phone, I have to ask the teacher or figure it out myself.”

Some children who oppose the ban on cell phones at school say it is helpful to contact parents if they feel anxious or worried at school. For children with severe anxiety who are used to texting their parents for reassurance, Milkovich suggests gradually pushing the boundaries so the child can gradually practice becoming more independent. She urges parents to ask themselves: Why does my child need constant access to a phone?

“Often parents say, ‘I want to be able to reach my child at any time,’ which has nothing to do with the child’s outcome. It is because of the parents’ fear,” she said.

Beth Black, a high school English teacher in the San Francisco Bay Area, tells parents to consider confiscating their child’s old phones.

Her school requires students to place phones in a special cell phone holder when they enter the classroom. But she has seen students put their old, inactive phones there and hold on to the phone that works.

Like many teachers, she says phones aren’t the only problem. There’s also the issue with the earbuds.

“Forty percent of my students have at least one earbud in when they enter the classroom,” Black says. “The children put their phone on music in the holder and listen to music in the classroom with one earbud.”

Parents curbing their writing only goes so far. So work with your kids to turn off some or all of their attention-stealing notifications.

To prove how distracting smartphones are, Clement conducted an experiment in class where he asked students to turn off their phones and turn on notifications for two minutes.

“It sounded like an old-fashioned video arcade – buzzing, buzzing and ringing for two solid minutes,” he said.

Many studies have shown that students regularly check their phones during class. A survey by Common Sense Media last year found that teens are bombarded with as many as 237 notifications per day. About 25% of these appear during the school day, mostly from friends on social media.

“Every time our focus is interrupted, it takes a lot of brain power and energy to get back to work,” says Emily Cherkin, a Seattle-based teacher-turned-consultant who specializes in screen time management.

Teachers say the best cell phone policy at school is one that physically removes the phone from the child. Otherwise it’s hard to compete.

“If the phone vibrates in their pocket, their focus is now on their pocket. And they wonder, ‘How do I get it on the table? How can I check that?” said Randy Freiman, a high school chemistry teacher in upstate New York. “You ask them a question and they haven’t heard a word you said. Their brain is somewhere else.’

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