True Romance: How to Keep Love Alive When Sex Is Over
IIt’s rare for intense sexual chemistry to last. “We don’t talk about it enough,” says the relationship therapist Kate Campbell, “but it’s completely normal for attraction to wane in a long-term relationship, especially as people get older and bodies change. Even if you love and care about your partner, you may fantasize about other people or wish they were younger or fitter. Mother Nature makes our brains only see the positives when we start dating, but that goes away over time.”
Some people find that loss of sexual connection is a deal breaker, especially if it is accompanied by other problems in the relationship. “If couples break the habit of being intimate,” Campbell says, “it can cause them to become more critical of each other’s shortcomings.”
But it is possible to keep love alive and even rekindle that sexual spark.
Communicate openly
According to psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur, nothing is more important in relationships than good old-fashioned communication. “If you notice that sex is lacking, have an open conversation about it. Try to make it happen in a low-pressure environment, such as when you’re walking or cooking together. This creates some space so that you don’t have to answer questions right away.”
By taking time to think about what’s causing the physical rift, couples can become aware of what’s going on and consider other forms of intimacy. It’s something that worked for Claire, 36, who has been with her partner of ten years.
“When sex disappeared from our relationship a few years ago, we talked about it openly,” she says. “He told me he didn’t like me, and I appreciated his honesty. We got together after running a business together, so we never had that intense honeymoon period. Our relationship was based on mutual trust and enjoying each other’s company, but during Covid it became more difficult as we had the stress of keeping the business running.”
They briefly broke up, but soon realized they didn’t want to be apart. “At the end of the day, we are life partners and we have always supported each other in everything. For me, honest, open communication is more important than sex in a life you have built together.”
Share your memories and achievements
With so much history behind them, Claire found that focusing on their memories and achievements strengthened their bond. “Our relationship is based on achieving things as a team. To support that love, we have continued to stay intimate in other ways, such as cuddling, sharing a bed and spending quality time together outside of work.”
After two years without sexual contact, the intimacy between them begins to grow. “It can return even more often when our child leaves home later in life. But for now, I appreciate what we have, how well he treats me and how he supports me through mental health issues. People think the grass is always greener, but it takes time to build lasting intimacy and I don’t want to throw it all away.”
Kaur agrees that celebrating milestones can be a fantastic way to prevent partners from taking each other for granted and to recognize the evolution of their relationship. “It could be anniversaries or things you have achieved as a couple, such as having children or buying a house together. I recommend writing these things down because it encourages reflection and helps build positive memories. You can also try writing down your partner’s best qualities to remind yourself why you were attracted to them in the first place.”
Address the weak spots in your relationship
Unlike food and shelter, sexual chemistry is not number 1 in the hierarchy of human needs. Relationship coach Katarina Polonska, who specializes in supporting high-performing couples, says that struggling to achieve the ‘big things’ in life, such as a good career or building a house, can mean people make their partner less of a priority, leading to a loss of sexual interest. “Feeling in love after the honeymoon is a choice; it’s not something we can expect to last,” she says. “To make that choice, we must make room to feel desire and love. The first thing I ask couples when they lose desire for each other is whether there are other stressors in their lives, such as work or caregiving responsibilities.”
For couples who see this as a problem, making more time for each other can help them rebuild sexual chemistry. “Another common reason people stop liking their partner is due to past grudges and unresolved relationship issues. These may be small microaggressions, but over time they grow into something bigger.”
She recommends couples take at least 30 minutes each week to try the “three things” exercise. “You share three things you appreciate and three things the person needs to know, for example the times you didn’t feel seen or heard, or something that damaged your trust. Then you share three things you need, such as romantic acts or help around the house. It is important not to judge, but to give each other space to share.”
Build an intimacy routine
Intimacy is often associated with sex, but Campbell points out that it can be so much more than that. “To maintain a loving relationship without sex, it is important to establish an intimacy routine, for example cuddling and kissing before going out. Sometimes implementing a sex ban can help to take the pressure off completely and see what happens when you hold hands or just cuddle on the couch.”
She adds that if partners still care about each other, spending quality time together is likely to improve the relationship, and those feelings of sexual chemistry can return — even after years without it.
For some couples, practicing intimacy exercises can bring them closer together. Clinical psychologist Dr Patapia Tzotzoli says mindfulness during intimate moments can help rebuild attraction between couples. “Cuddle meditation involves taking deep breaths and visualizing your partner 200 years from now. This mental exercise helps people realize that life is precious and allows them to cherish what they have now.”
By simply staying in the moment, couples shift their focus back to each other and their relationship. “It can help them replace negative feelings with more positive ones and allow them to interact more kindly and patiently with each other.”
Try something new
One of the reasons that attraction between couples can decrease is the lack of variety. The mundaneness of everyday life, combined with the stress of work, can leave little time for excitement. Tzotzoli recommends taking up a new hobby or trying something different. “By focusing on personal growth, you nurture your own sense of fulfillment. It can enrich the individuality of each partner, which will positively contribute to the relationship.”
Over time, that newfound sense of self can lead to greater attraction and appreciation for each other. She also suggests trying new activities as a couple, such as dance classes, cooking classes, or anything else that takes you out of your routine.
Some names have been changed