‘Face-to-face, hip-to-hip’ friendships make us live longer – so let’s make them a priority

MYour best friends all live in my phone. By that I mean that I have an active group chat. It started as a casual work chat 10 years ago, but we message every day. Recently one of us shared a link to a news story about seven friends in their 30s who pooled their resources to build their dream home. “We’re doing this, right?” I responded half-jokingly, but the seed was planted. Why would I tie my future to a life partner I don’t have yet, instead of the friends I’ve had the longest?

Nearly four years after Covid imposed prolonged social isolation, many of us are reconsidering the value of friendship, including Gyan Yankovich, the author of Just Friends. “A lot of the things we do and the milestones we celebrate revolve around the idea that the nuclear family and marriage should be valued above all else,” she tells me. “The way society is structured does not make it easy to prioritize friendship.”

For a long time, I had this vague expectation that I would eventually have a life partner and be “set,” whatever that means. But I’m in my late thirties now and am quickly reconsidering. The divorce rate in the US has increased has fallen slightly over the past 10 years – but so do marriage rates. Culturally, we are the most individualized, self-optimized, and self-reliant.

I also have the fewest friends I’ve ever had – intentionally – and not just because my hermetic tendencies. I prefer to invest my time wholeheartedly in mutually enriching friendships. This is not unusual: according to a joint study by Oxford and Aalto University, your social network is the widest when you’re 25on average, after which it amounts to fewer but closer connections, and making new friends becomes more challenging.

Before I was 30, I drifted between friends as they both found a romantic relationship that dominated their focus — and then we got back together after they broke up. This cycle of vicarious companionship made me a little apathetic about friendships, until I realized I didn’t have a set name for an emergency contact.

So I made a concerted effort to invest in my support system. I reached out to old friends to catch up. I said yes to their invitations. I told them about my insecurities. I’ve even asked some of them for help (previously unthinkable, like someone who once said “don’t worry!” to a crowded subway car after I passed out). Socializing takes a lot of energy, but is always satisfying.

Our hyper-connected culture has resulted in enormous social alienation, making loneliness a major problem today health epidemic. Social abstinence increases the risk of premature death by all causes. Research shows that there is a lack of social connection as harmful as smoking up to 15 cigarettes per day. It’s not just a Covid-era development; Loneliness has increased over the past twenty yearsespecially since smartphones have become ubiquitous.

Social media can enable connection, says Irene Levine, a psychologist and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. However, she cautions that digital relationships are not a substitute for “face-to-face, hip-to-hip gatherings where two friends can connect and share in a relaxed way – and even spend time together without speaking.” Online friends cannot provide the kind of care and support that friends who live nearby can provide.”

Yankovich says she now thinks a sense of obligation is an important part of maintaining friendships — in a good way. “I’ve always seen obligation as something with a somewhat negative connotation, usually closely tied to family,” she says. “I think it is important to stand up, care for, protect and build a future with someone, just as we have normalized obligations between people who are married or blood relatives.”

This concept is alive and well in Okinawa, Japan Moaior small groups of lifelong friends (the word loosely translates to “meet for a common purpose”). Moai originated centuries ago as a means of local financial support; friends could contribute money to a common safety net for anyone in the group who needed medical expenses or home repairs, for example. Today, the concept has expanded to social support systems, including regular social activities with friends. Okinawa is considered one of the world regions blue zones – areas with high concentrations of healthy people over 100 years old – and Moai are considered an important contributor to this longevity.

“Friends encourage us to live healthier lives and are the first to let us know when we need help, whether it’s from a doctor or a therapist,” says Levine, who adds that friendships are often overlooked due to demanding jobs, informal care and busy modern lives. “Yet, nurturing these relationships can be just as important as exercising, eating nutritious food, and getting a good night’s sleep.”

Good friendships have physiological effects. Talking to supportive friends can keep blood pressure reactivity lowerand having a friend present during a difficult task helps reduce cardiovascular reactivity. A study concluded that people rated a hill as less steep if they climbed it with a friend than if they climbed it alone.

Close friendships are a crucial factor not only for longevity, but also for fulfilling those years lived. “I was very isolated in my twenties due to an illness, and I’ve realized that being around others you care about helps boost your self-esteem, because when you’re alone you’re just stuck in a spiral of your own created reality. is not necessarily true,” says Alex, 33, from Brooklyn. “I feel like I’ve been able to develop a fuller understanding of who I am in all the different roles I can exist in through deep, intentional friendships.”

At the very least, fulfilling friendships requires spending time together consistently, which can be difficult. Our needs and responsibilities change as we get older. Sometimes we outgrow friendships, especially with big life changes like starting a family. “Having a baby has really changed things in my friendships,” says Kara Nesvig, a 34-year-old from Minneapolis. Some friends showed up for support, and some disappeared. She was able to build even closer bonds with others: “I was lucky enough to develop a super strong friendship with three former colleagues, because we were all pregnant at the same time. That has been one of the best surprises of my friendship journey.

We can’t all wait for life-changing events to determine who our real friends are. It may be more realistic to invest in our current relationships. That could mean something as simple as answering the phone more often, or more planning and effort, such as offering to pick up a friend’s child from school or accompanying him to a medical appointment.

Or we can decide to invest in finding new friendships. Yankovich says we often think that meaningful friendships require knowing someone for years. But I’m not the same person I was at school, and not even in 2020. “There’s no reason why a new friend can’t get to know us — the current version of us, at least — just as well,” says Yankovich. .

Lacking legal or blood ties, friendships are often overshadowed by our marriages and biological relationships (despite sometimes surviving). But there’s no good reason why friendships shouldn’t get as much attention as those bonds. “One of the things I was most nervous about when I wrote about why we should prioritize friendship was that I would be judged as someone who didn’t love their partner (I do) or who didn’t have a good relationship. had with his family (I am). ),” says Yankovitsj. “If people are allowed to admit that their friends are as important to their happiness as their children, partners and parents, most people will do so.”