DEAR JANE: I’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness – is it wrong to keep it SECRET from my family?

Dear Jane,

A few days ago my doctor told me that I have stage 4 breast cancer. For a variety of reasons, the odds are not in my favor, and she has told me that I need to undergo serious surgery and treatment as soon as possible if I want to have even the slightest chance of survival.

I am a mother and wife, and the idea of ​​not seeing my daughter grow up is simply unbearable to me. But the thought of her having to watch me go through surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and everything else in between is almost worse.

I can’t bear the thought of my husband having to go it alone – nor can I bear the thought of him moving on with someone else who could one day raise my daughter as her own.

I’ve been sitting on this news for a few days now, trying to figure out what to do. I haven’t told my husband and my daughter about my diagnosis yet because I don’t want to burden them with it.

I told a close friend who urged me to at least share the news with my husband.

She said it’s not fair of me to keep this incredibly important thing a secret, that I have to make him part of the conversation – but I disagree.

I think it is important that I understand what path I want to take before I tell him or my daughter about the cancer? Otherwise, they will be left as confused and devastated as I am by this whole thing.

To be honest, I don’t know what I want to do as far as treatment goes – but I do know that I want the space to make that decision without having to share in the grief I know my family will experience when they learn about this.

Am I being selfish for wanting to keep this to myself for a while longer?

By,

Secret illness

Dear Secret Disease,

My heart goes out to you at such a difficult time. I completely understand that you needed some time alone to process what this means for you, without having to worry about someone else’s grief.

This is your journey and don’t let anyone tell you what is best for you.

A cancer diagnosis, and especially, as you know, a Stage 4 diagnosis, is life-changing in ways unimaginable if you are fortunate enough never to have been diagnosed.

Your life suddenly revolves around hospitals, doctors, and treatments, and it can be hard to remember who you were before this horrible thing came into your life.

Take all the time to process this yourself, to think carefully about everything you need to think through before you share it.

Please hear me when I say that I know a number of people with a Stage 4 diagnosis who are successfully managing their disease and have not only survived, but thrived for many, many years.

The “C-word” is terrifying to hear, which I know from my own dance with it a few years ago, but thanks to immunotherapy and continued new research, there is more hope today than ever before.

When you are ready to tell people, I have no doubt that you will find their support and care an invaluable gift on this very difficult journey. Sending you lots of love.

Dear Jane,

My daughter hasn’t spoken to me or my family in two years.

I wish I could tell you there was a real reason for this rift between us, but the truth is, we didn’t argue – she simply told us she was having some problems with our family before cutting off all contact.

We’ve tried calling her, we’ve tried emailing her, we’ve tried texting her, but she won’t respond to any form of communication.

She moved to the Middle East around the same time she stopped communicating with us, and I can’t help but feel that she is being influenced by the man she lives with. It feels like he turned her against all of us.

When my uncle died, she didn’t even send flowers or a note expressing her condolences. Her aunt is now in hospice care, battling cancer and stage 4 dementia, but she hasn’t thought to reach out and ask how she’s doing.

The only person she still has contact with is her brother, so I can find out if she’s safe through him, but I hate to dump him in the middle of this situation.

I’m in so much pain. What can I do?

By,

Broken ties

Dear Broken Ties,

The modern term for someone who ends communication and disappears without explanation is “ghosting,” which is what your daughter appears to have done.

It’s especially painful to have a ghost, let alone the added pain when it’s your child, because without an explanation of what we’ve done, we’re denied the opportunity to perhaps explain or apologize.

I don’t know what the circumstances are, or whether your daughter tried to explain anything to you before the breakup. As parents, it can be very difficult to hear where our children’s pain is coming from, and often we ignore situations and tell ourselves that our children are overreacting, being too harsh, or simply wrong.

Sometimes it takes something like birth or death to bring about reconciliation, but this has not yet been the case, and I can only imagine the pain and sorrow that must be. On both sides.

Although you don’t know what you did, the fact that your daughter chose to be estranged from you, that she did not contact you after your uncle’s death, tells me that she will probably suffer a lot of pain too. .

The only way reconciliation can happen is when both parties can listen to the other side of the story without trying to prove anyone right or wrong, when both parties can acknowledge their role, apologize, and build a new relationship.

It’s always worth having an open conversation with her directly, where you’re willing to hear all the reasons why she chose this path, without trying to prove her wrong.

And you shouldn’t talk to her brother about this. In psychological terms, talking to her brother instead of her is known as triangulation, which is both manipulative and toxic.

There is a podcast that I think will be a great resource for you. Calling Home, with licensed therapist Whitney Goodman LMFT, focuses specifically on family dynamics. She has beautiful episodes about alienation and reconciliation.