CAROLINE WEST-MEADS: ‘Our underage daughter got drunk at a friend’s sleepover’

Q Our daughter, who is 15, went to a friend’s house on New Year’s Eve. We were hesitant because we didn’t know the friend’s parents very well, but she begged us to go. When she came back the next day, she was clearly hungover. She told us that the parents had allowed some cider at the party, but no hard liquor. However, we have since discovered through mutual friends, whose daughter was also there, that the host parents had left and did not return until after 1am. There was no control over the amount of alcohol the partygoers brought.

These friends said they had heard that our daughter had gotten so drunk that she had thrown up several times and passed out 20 minutes. We were furious and banned her from going to graduation parties. She barely talks to us now, but we are terrified it could happen again. My husband thinks we should confront the parents who organized the party, as they clearly acted illegally. However, our daughter begged us not to say anything because the friend is one of the popular girls and she thinks she would be left out.

a Parenting teenagers can be scary; their brains have yet to fully develop, so they often make risky choices and poor decisions. People talk about young people needing firm boundaries, but this isn’t easy. A rebellious or troubled teen may defy all rules and become even more defiant with every attempt to discipline them. But wherever your daughter lies on this scale, it’s best to avoid an overly authoritarian approach. Start by telling her that you’re sorry that you were both angry and that it was because you were afraid for her safety.

Explain that getting so drunk could leave her vulnerable to sexual assault or alcohol poisoning, etc. Say that you will let her go to parties in the future because you don’t want her to be left out, but in return there must be clear are guidelines. . You will need to know more about the host parents and you will also need assurances that she will text or call intermittently to verify that she is doing well. It sounds like your daughter is suffering from peer pressure, so ask if she drank so much because she wanted to fit in, or because she felt obligated by friends. Ask if she is unhappy or worried about anything. Try reading to help her build her resilience Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety by Doctor John Duffy. Deciding whether to confront the other parents is difficult because it could have consequences for your daughter. However, their actions could put other teens in danger. Perhaps there are other parents you trust whose children attended the party. Then you can approach them together.

To see drinkaware.nl for more advice on teenage drinking.

He lied about withholding gifts from his children

Q My husband and I both have children from our first marriages and have always given them the same amount of money at Christmas. A few years ago he told me he was quitting, which made me sad because my kids missed this when they were young. Their own father didn’t celebrate Christmas and still doesn’t. However, when my husband’s daughter came to stay for a few days, I heard her thank him for his generosity.

I have now discovered that he has continued to give money as gifts to his own children. I am furious and don’t know what to do. My husband earns the money because I can’t work, and he has complete control over the finances.

a This is a major betrayal of your trust. Even if you marry someone who already has children, that person will not end up isolated. If he has known them since they were young, being treated differently as a stepchild can be very hurtful. Unfortunately, there are also indications of deeper problems in your marriage. You say your husband is in charge of the money since he is the breadwinner. However, relationships are about forming a team with shared goals and problems. I’m assuming you can’t work due to a disability or illness, but putting you in a position where you’re financially dependent on him is controlling and demeaning. You may be wondering if you want to stay married to a man who lied to you, so reach out relate.org.uk For support. Also ask moneyhelper.org.uk for advice on how to talk to your husband about having a say in finances. His behavior could border on financial abuse.

If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_