JANA HOCKING: I’m sorry, but these are the signs your Christmas is ‘bogan’: Supermarket roast chooks, Jatz crackers on a platter, ‘snags’ and tacky ‘fast fashion’ presents

Bogans, terrifying creatures!

Just kidding, they are my favorite part of Christmas. Why? Because they really embrace the day and come out to play.

You know, when I think of Christmas, I think of champagne breakfast, shrimp and mango salad and backyard cricket. But what really brings me joy is seeing how others spent it during the 5pm news highlights packages. I usually do this while rubbing my pavlova-filled belly and ignoring the snoring of family members after lunch.

You know what I'm talking about. Usually there is a young aspiring reporter who has been given the Christmas shift and forced to travel to our favorite parks and campsites to film the Australian bogans at play.

To be fair, the news package usually shows a variety of Australians and how they spent their Chrissy day. But let's be honest, the real reason to watch is the array of glorious bogans who give zero f**ks on this holy of days.

Whether they're burping around the Christmas table, surrounded by their loved ones, or diving into the local river fully dressed in a Santa suit, they provide great entertainment and remind me why we celebrate this day in the best country in the world.

Here are a few examples of behavior that I think would classify someone as a bogan on Christmas Day.

1. Serving roast chook, straight from a 'bachelor handbag', for Christmas lunch

If you haven't heard of the term 'bachelor's handbag', let me quote you this from the Macquarie Dictionary (the term was named Term of the Year in 2022 for your information).

'A roast chicken from the supermarket, packaged in a small plastic bag with a handle, which resembles a handbag. A popular purchase preferred by single men.'

Why spend hours putting together the twelve ingredients Jamie Oliver needs for his fried chicken, when you can stop by the grocery store and pick up a decent meal for less than $10? That's bogan math at its best.

2. Shirts off at the Christmas table

Unless you have at least one forbidden uncle who wears his best beer belly shirtless shirt at the Christmas table, have you had a Christmas at all? Extra points for a hairy chest.

3. Trifle made with store-bought jam rolls and port wine flavored jelly packets

If you give Nigella a rhetorical middle finger with her lovely trouser trifle made with rosewater cream, amaretto-soaked biscotti and lemon curd – and choose to prepare yours with store-bought jam rolls, a tin of two fruits, a generous helping of port wine-flavoured packet jelly, dollops of custard straight from a box, and a generous splash of sherry, you've just prepared yourself a delicious bogan treat.

I wouldn't refuse it either if I'm honest.

4. A trip to the emergency room

If I could, I would happily sit in the emergency room on Christmas Day with a giant bag of popcorn and watch all the drama unfold in all its fake goodness.

Moms yell at dads for choosing to drink beer instead of watching little Freddy navigate his first pair of rollerblades. At least one adult family member looks bleary-eyed after attempting a backflip into the inflatable pool, despite a severe lack of coordination.

Cousin John's hopeless attempt to open a beer bottle with his teeth. Or in one case (so I was told by a kind doctor) a piece of candy got stuck in an unimaginable opening.

The emergency room is a haven for naughty Christmas bogans. Stay safe people.

5. Calling sausages 'problems'

When I think of the word “snags,” it conjures up the voice of a nasal sheila pressing the “a” very hard. Just like in 'Darl, you can pass on the snaaaaaags. Thanks pet.” Just thinking about it makes me crave a Bunnings sausage sizzle.

6. Chain-smoking grandpas

These glorious gray-haired bandits will rant about 'there was no such thing as lung cancer in my day' while lighting up a durry and cracking open a can of VB. Oh Grandpa, it just isn't Christmas without your tobacco smell filling the already overheated dining room at lunchtime.

7. Budget cheese platters

Jatz cookies, pickled onions (such an underrated delicacy), salami bought at a supermarket, French onion dip (served in a plastic container with the foil simply folded back) and cheese cubes.

I'm not going to lie, I'd suck this up in thirty seconds – but if you don't go out and buy at least one nice piece of camembert, wear your bogan badge with pride.

8. Give 'fast fashion' gifts

There are currently hundreds of online fashion stores that copy recent trends and mass produce them at low cost, usually in large overseas warehouses and pay their employees very low wages. Highly frowned upon and yet very popular.

The upper class among us now embraces sustainable fashion and donates beautiful vintage clothing. The bogans among us are waiting in the mail for their “three tops for $20” to be delivered.

9. Boxed wine

Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean Australians will crack open the good stuff, oh no. Have you never heard of the cost of living crisis?! If you stop by Aldi to pick up one of their most beautiful bags, then you, dear reader, are an inveterate bogan.

Extra points if you finish it all yourself. Santa has already shared the presents, so you don't have to do that either.

10. Backyard cricket without shoes on

If you wear a loafer to the annual family cricket match, you're a little too chic! And I dare say: it deserves to be rightly roasted. Be damned, real Australian bogans go shoeless and have to deal with the consequences later.

11. Novelty aprons

Oh, I'm guilty because I've been accused of this! If you have an apron with a funny (yet slightly cringe-inducing) statement like “Dear Santa, is it too late to be good?” or 'GIN-gle all the way' or 'Merry Christmas ya dirty animal', you're not on the best dressed list this year. I'll give myself extra bogan points if I pose naked in it and shamelessly post it on Instagram. No, YOU are a bogan! *sob*

12. Tasteless decorations

Tinsel in any color other than gold or red. If your Christmas tree looks like it's had a rainbow thrown on it, the style judge will find you GUILTY of bad bogan taste. A beautiful Christmas tree sticks to a color scheme of strict gold and/or red. Maybe silver at some point. Your living room should resemble a David Jones storefront. If you step outside this strict style guild line, hang your bogan head in shame.

And finally… may I introduce you to our beautiful bogan Christmas tradition: a Santa Claus and reindeer made from the hay bales that have been rotting in our family's barn for far too long. Seeing it as I pull out of the driveway reminds me that Christmas is indeed just around the corner and I think our local farmers would all agree. You Kardashians can keep your over-the-top bougie embellishments. Give me a hay bale with a few sticks and Kmart trinkets hanging from it any day.

Now crack open a cold one, let out a big belch and let's all embrace our inner bogan this Christmas. They seem to be having the most fun.

Oh, and have a very Merry Christmas. If Santa has read any of my articles this year, I think it's safe to assume I'll be on the Naughty List, but I hope he turns a blind eye for the rest of you.