Holiday togetherness can also mean family fights. But there are ways to try to sidestep the drama
The holidays, a time when families and friends can come together to talk, laugh – or argue.
There are plenty of reasons why togetherness can turn into tension; maybe that cousin you love most has that one opinion about politics or world events that you just can't stand, or that nosy grandparent keeps asking about your life choices. Maybe someone at the table is struggling with a substance abuse problem or a mental health issue. And don't forget that person who is just mean and miserable and wants a fight.
It can be enough to make you want to hit the lawyer extra hard. But psychology and mental health experts say it doesn't have to be this way, and they offer suggestions for organizing gatherings that might not be so cheerful:
It's important for people to know why they find themselves in situations that they know could be tense or worse, says Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D, a licensed clinical psychologist who talks about the harm of narcissistic relationships.
Whether that's because there are other family members they want to see or some other reason worth the potential drama, it's crucial “to be clear about the reason,” she says, “because otherwise you you get the feeling that you are just some kind of moth. to the flame.”
If you watch enough holiday movies, you might think that a time of year when messages of hope and redemption are everywhere means that your relationship with that conflict-prone person you've fought with most other times in your life is at an end. somehow it will also be magical. all sunshine and roses.
“There is that kind of fantasy for healing relationships,” says Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D., who teaches in the graduate clinical mental health program at the College of William & Mary in Virginia. She says people want to believe, “Maybe this time it will be different, rather than radically accepting that it probably won't be different. But what can be different is the way you approach the relationship and approach the situation.”
With everything going on in the world today, it probably wouldn't be difficult to have that political issue or current event that pits you against someone you otherwise think well of. Well, you don't have to talk about it, says Jeanne Safer, Ph. D., psychotherapist and author of 'I Love You, But I Hate Your Politics.'
“I think people have a really hard time realizing that they can care about someone and have a lot in common and all that stuff and not talk about politics,” she says. “You don't have to talk about everything.”
“Don't try to convince them that you're right and they're wrong,” says Tania Israel, Ph. D., professor at the University of California, Santa Barbara. “The best thing is to try to understand them and communicate that you care.”
If someone says something you disagree with, she says, you can say, “Tell me how you came to that opinion, tell me a little bit about how you relate to that issue, what makes that so important to you , and ask them questions.”
If you know the family situation is likely to be difficult during your vacation, look for ways to give yourself some moments of peace or distraction, says Durvasula, such as taking a walk or taking time to read a book or meditate . And don't forget, it's the holiday season.
“Find a way to commemorate or celebrate with healthy people, whoever they may be,” she says. “Maybe they're part of your family. They could be friends, they could be colleagues, whoever they are, do that. So at least you feel like something meaningful to you happened during those holidays.