RUTH SUNDERLAND: Private equity cringe-mas with festive offers
- Blackstone boss Stephen Schwarzman is a major player in Great Britain
- Without being too Grinch-esque, there is a serious element to these festive antics
- Like other companies, it is prone to accusations of predation and asset stripping
Does anyone else miss those old fashioned round robins that people used to send?
Our family looked forward to deciphering what was really going on behind the boast in one unintentionally hilarious example that landed on our doorstep every year.
If we read that 'Ollie is taking a break from his studies and Jess is looking for opportunities at home after returning from New York', we would guess that he has failed his second year exams and she has been fired by JP Morgan and trades Manhattan for Milton Keynes.
Sadly, these middle-class misses are, if not extinct, an endangered species. But we lovers of seasonal schadenfreude can take comfort in the corporate equivalent: Wall Street's party video.
These have been around for a while, but have reached new depths of awfulness this year, with self-parody veering into sheer cringe. What possessed Blackstone, the American private equity firm, to produce a Taylor Swift-inspired video, in which the 76-year-old CEO of multi-billionaire Stephen Schwarzman wears a rainbow sequin jacket similar to one of the singer's outfits?
Grinch-esque: There's a serious element to these cheesy Christmas stunts from a bunch of American masters of the universe
Why should we worry about a cheap Christmas stunt from a bunch of American masters of the universe? Because Schwarzman, who graciously wore a sober dark suit when he met the king and prime minister last month, is a major player in Britain, where his company has a new headquarters in London.
Like the round-robins, there is a subtext to these boring videos. Blackstone is remembered in this country for his involvement in the Southern Cross care center fiasco. Southern Cross was the largest chain of its kind in Britain when it collapsed in 2012, killing 31,000 vulnerable residents. Blackstone, although it had already left by the time the company collapsed, had made hundreds of millions of pounds in profits in the two years of previous ownership.
Like other companies, it is prone to accusations of predation and asset stripping.
The chorus line in the video āOh oh oh Build with Blackstoneā is the tagline, intended to portray itself as a constructive long-term investor.
Whatever you make of that, the Blackstone video is an Oscar-winning achievement compared to the mini-movie made by fellow private equity firm Apollo, starring boss Marc Rowan.
The theme is 'no new toys', a mantra Mr Rowan repeated last year, meaning staff should not be distracted. In the video, this is literally taken as a child's toy at Christmas ā an awkward 'joke' took away six minutes of my life that I will never get back.
Apollo is also a major operator in Britain, having taken over the ownership of Wagamama restaurant earlier this year.
It is considering a multi-billion pound bid for Pension Insurance Corporation, a specialist pension scheme insurer and a major player in the pensions market. The company is also said to be preparing a deal to provide Ā£630m of debt to Stonegate, one of our largest pub chains.
So without trying to be too Grinch-esque, there is a serious element to these antics.
And the trend has spread to Britain. A very British gem, spotted by the FT, comes from Oil Brokerage.
Someone spent a lot of money renting a studio in Abbey Road, famous for the Beatles' recordings, where the staff could sing a version of 'Feed the World' with a chorus of 'Trade the Brentā¦Trade the freight, let them know it's fixing It's that time again.' One employee elevated daddy dancing to an art. Britain wants to excel in the creative industries, but not like this!