Punch a pillow, hug your pet, write to your MP: 22 ways to deal with your anger
FFrom planes and supermarkets to traffic jams and of course online, it feels like everyone is angry. Is it a miracle? Politics have become more polarized and moody than ever before, wars are at the top of the news agenda and we are in a cost of living crisis. It's no surprise that people are tense.
Anger in itself is not necessarily negative. “Anger is a deep-seated emotion that forms our defense against a threat,” says Dr Nadja Heym, associate professor of personality psychology and psychopathology at Nottingham Trent University. “It's normal, healthy and evolutionarily important.”
It can be a powerful force for good, says David Woolfson, anger specialist and psychotherapist. “Anger drives us to achieve things – to fight for justice and causes, to win marathons, to right wrongs.”
Anger's bad reputation is due to the behavior it can provoke. Anger can cause us to react badly and then regret it, so it's helpful to know how to deal with it in a healthy way. Here are 22 suggestions.
Count to three
“When we are very excited, we have trouble thinking,” says Heym. “Overcoming that physiological arousal is an important part of reducing the risk of behavior that is inappropriate and that we later regret. Stop, count to three, think and then act. This activates your cognitive brain, calms you down and gives you time to process whether this is a real threat and whether the response is proportionate.”
Splash water on your face
“Anger activates the sympathetic nervous system, which increases energy and causes us to take action,” says Erica Curtis, a US-based marriage and family therapist and author of a forthcoming book. Dealing with anger creatively. “Sometimes that rush of energy is fast and intense, pushing us to do something impulsive, unproductive, and even harmful. Reduce the angry energy by repeatedly splashing cold water on your face while holding your breath.
Find a physical distraction
Heym points out that physical distraction can occasionally help reduce the intensity of angry feelings. “Some people may have a rubber band on their wrist for movement,” she says. “Or you can run up and down the stairs five times so the angry energy has somewhere to go before you start thinking again.”
Doodle angry words
Do you feel the urge to yell at someone? Curtis says putting pen to paper is a better way to gain clarity and meet your underlying needs. Think about what got your blood boiling and “try 'screaming' on paper by scribbling angry words that come to mind,” says Curtis. Then take it a step further: “Think of vulnerable feelings like 'abandoned', 'hurt', 'ashamed', 'jealous' – and write them down. Then add your needs and wants. Finally, circle words that help you communicate a need in a clear and non-aggressive way.”
Become a fly
If you're in a trigger situation, “try to put distance between yourself and your angry thoughts and feelings,” says Christian Jarrett, cognitive neuroscientist and author of Be Who You Want. “Try to imagine the scene from a third-person perspective, as if you were a fly on the wall. Or step outside yourself and describe what's happening, using your name and pronouns in the third person.
Another way to distance yourself from intense emotions, according to Curtis, is to “imagine anger as a color, shape, or form that is separate from yourself. It doesn't have to make sense – just notice the space between you and your anger. Imagine asking him to give you a little more space if you need to, or stepping back so you can see the edges of it. This can reduce its intensity.”
Come on and prevention
We almost invite a little anger, So it helps to consider what could happen – and cause annoyance – before we start anything. A classic example is road rage. “It's completely predictable,” says Woolfson. “There's going to be traffic and someone's going to cut me up, so what do I do when that happens? Nothing. I get angry because I make it personal, but will it matter by the time I get home? No, that won't happen.
Shift your focus
Constantly irritated by the news? “Many people form their identities around what they don't like and what they are against,” says William DeFoore, author of Goodfinding: A User's Guide to EQ and Your Brilliant Mind. “Such people will always be angry.” Instead, he says, focus on “what you like, what you believe in, what you support and what you want more of.”
Find someone to rant to
“I can rant Unpleasant you or bee you,” says Woolfson. “It's a very important distinction; when I rant bee You, I push you into a corner, but when I say, 'I really need to get something off my chest, will you listen?' then we have a communication that brings us closer.”
Hit a pillow
According to DeFoore, letting go can be a healthy way to express anger. He suggests “hitting a pillow or mattress or just yelling, not at anyone.” Woolfson agrees: “I teach people to hit pillows or sit in the car with no one around and just bawl.” He is keen to point out that these techniques do not remove the underlying anger, but only deal with it in the moment.
Be proactive
Many of us are angry about the state of the world. “Find constructive ways to channel those legitimate feelings, by writing to a newspaper or your MP; or getting involved in a grassroots campaign,” Jarrett states.
…or do nothing
The urge may be to lash out, hit something, or burst into tears, but Woolfson says, “If you can't do anything when you're angry, you're doing a lot because otherwise you'd be doing all those nasty things.” doing. Hold your anger and say, “I feel really angry right now. I feel like doing and saying very nasty things, but I choose not to.' Your behavior is always a choice.”
Cuddle your pet
“Cuddle your pet, your child or your partner,” says Heym. “Cuddles release oxytocin, a hormone that we think provides bonding, but it is also important in processing threats, where we have to fight them or deal with them in other ways.”
Write an email to yourself
Would you like to encourage someone? “I write an email to myself describing all the things I never want to say but want to acknowledge,” says Woolfson. “You come back to it a few days later, when you're an adult, and you think, 'Thank God I didn't say or send that.'”
Limit exposure
Do you feel like there is anger everywhere? “It depends on where you look, what you read and watch, and who you listen to,” DeFoore says. “If you consume disturbing, frightening, or infuriating information, you will naturally experience more anger.” Curtis says, “Close the app, close the laptop, find something positive or soothing. “ Read uplifting news to balance out the negative. We are not wired to receive a constant stream of disturbing news.”
Walk in nature
Are you feeling excited? “Take a long walk in nature and think about it,” says Heym. “There is plenty of research showing that walking in a biophilic environment reduces anxiety and stress levels.”
Look beyond the anger
“It's hard to put a lid on a boiling pan: the more you try to push it down, the more pressure you build and eventually it will explode,” says Woolfson. “That pressure usually involves ignoring all the feelings that cause anger, such as pain, fear, shame, and sadness. If we don't pay attention to that, we build up the anger ourselves.”
Exhale
Do you think you're about to blow a fuse? Instead, exhale. “Try to exhale completely until you are forced to inhale, and repeat this several times,” says Curtis.
Take a cold shower
“You get tense and warm, so cooling down can be a good way to lower that temperature,” says Heym. “We know, for example, that when temperatures rise, aggression tends to increase. This is because we feel irritable in hot or crowded places and when we feel uncomfortable we are more likely to react.”
Anger often arises when we are ashamed of ourselves. If you're angry because you've made a mistake (for example, accidentally deleted an important file), Curtis advises: “Keep asking yourself what it says about you that something went wrong until you develop the negative belief that feels true – even though you know it isn't. Become curious about attitudes such as 'I will never succeed' and then test those attitudes against the facts. These unquestioned, long-held beliefs may have very little to do with your current situation.
Take a deep breath
“When we are hyper-aroused, we breathe shallowly, which pumps up our sympathetic nervous system,” says Heym. The sympathetic nervous system causes the fight-or-flight response. “Taking three or four deep breaths, focusing on our breathing, tends to reduce our anger.”
Scream
Do you want to burst into tears? “Why not? It is better to release our emotions in a proportionate and appropriate way than to bottle them up,” says Heym.
Choose calmness
Remind yourself that your response is a choice. “My kids have asked me, 'Why don't you just get rid of it?' I say, 'That's not the person I want to be, but I'll let you know in a calm and polite way that I'm angry with you,'” Woolfson says. “The stereotype of anger is yelling and insulting, but we can choose to express our anger in a truthful, controlled, dignified, and healthy way.”
Photography assistant: Georgie Wilding