Revealed: What NOT to say when consoling the bereaved, according to scientists

In times of grief, our words have the power to comfort a grieving family member or friend – or to stir up their grief.

According to a new study, wWell-intentioned but hurtful comments after the death of a child can be particularly memorable.

To better understand the potential of comforting words to heal or harm, social work researchers from Trent University Durham in Ontario, Canada, and Wichita State University in Kansas, US, interviewed twenty survivors and eleven service providers.

These interviews revealed some of the best and worst things you can say to someone grieving the loss of a child.

Among the things you should not say when comforting the bereaved are: suggestions that they need to get over their loss more quickly, comparisons to your own losses that were very different from theirs, and religious-based reassurances that do not correspond with the person’s beliefs.

“You will get better,” “get over it,” and “move on” were some of the unhelpful suggestions parents reported.

These unhelpful comments suggest that grief is a recovery or healing process with a specific endpoint, the authors wrote. And while people can go through different stages of grief, experts tend to agree that this is the case not a linear process.

The pain may decrease over time, but it can also return at seemingly random times.

There is usually no specific time by which a grieving parent “should” have recovered, which can make some of the reported comments particularly hurtful: “You’ll be a lot better once you get through Christmas,” “(You’ll) get into three months,” and “It’s been six months, aren’t you better yet?”

Inappropriate comparisons didn’t help either, the grieving parents said, “I know what you’re going through because I lost my mother,” or “I went through this too.”

Such comparisons may be intended to find common ground, but they can also trivialize the person’s feelings.

Depending on a person’s beliefs, they may find comfort in religious statements. However, if a grieving parent is not very religious, these comments may be unhelpful or hurtful.

Some examples of unintentionally hurtful religious statements include: “It was God’s will,” “God wanted another angel,” and “God never gives you anything you can’t handle.”

In addition to collecting reports from parents, the study authors also examined the contents of 170 sympathy cards to better understand where people might be getting their bad ideas from.

They looked specifically at the text of Hallmark cards, due to the company’s dominance as a North American greeting card retailer.

Analyzing the cards by keywords revealed some common themes based on how often the keywords were mentioned: expressions of sympathy or sadness for the bereaved (94 times), the sender keeping the bereaved in mind (73 times), variations on prayers or praying (48 times), God supports the relatives (53 times), and the deceased child is with God (11 times).

Fifteen cards also stated that there were no words to adequately express the feelings.

It is striking that the words ‘dead’ and ‘died’ never appeared.

However, mentions of time were quite common. In fact, the study authors found an “overwhelming emphasis” on time, indicating “two different time periods (a sad time and a time of peace).” Only six times did the cards mention that grieving can take a long time.

This emphasis on processing grief and finding peace appears to be related to people’s insensitive comments about overcoming the death of a child, the authors wrote.

The study explored not only what not to do, but also what people can do to help a loved one who is grieving a loss. Although the interviewees were grieving parents, these findings could be more broadly applicable.

“Survivors who received support from family, friends, spouses, and/or employers reported how important that support was to them,” the researchers wrote. ‘The responses showed that many relatives who did not receive this support felt very isolated and lonely.’

Sometimes the most helpful support was logistical and not strictly emotional.

It helped friends, coworkers and family members handle daily tasks like childcare and cooking, according to the grieving parents interviewed for the study.

“Overall, what was helpful included: reassurance, normalization, being there, encouragement and support, and others being non-judgmental,” the study authors wrote.

Parents reported feeling supported by loved ones who stayed with them on the phone, or simply sat with them as they cried — without trying to get them to stop.

For grieving parents who worked, returning to their jobs often helped. There they found comfort in supportive colleagues and a daily routine.

In the case of parents who did not work, some described creating other types of routine for themselves.

Peer support services were also helpful places for grieving parents to go to have their feelings validated, “helping them see that what they were feeling wasn’t abnormal, helping them not feel so alone, and giving them a chance to talk about their feelings.” to talk’. their child when everyone else in their world had ‘moved on’ and expected them to do the same.”

As for helpful things, the study authors recommended that instead of emphasizing a time of healing, focus on the person’s “ongoing bond” with the deceased.

This idea of ​​continued connection proposes “that individuals in the grieving process hold the deceased in loving memory and maintain an internal representation of the deceased long after they have died,” they wrote.

Rather than denying death, “we view such statements as indicative of an ongoing bond that is a crucial part of achieving and maintaining peace.”

As for religious statements, the study authors did not discourage them altogether. Instead, “it is important that the card giver considers both the religiosity of the grieving person and the context of the death.”

The study appeared in the Diary of death and dying.