Seven kamikaze pilots on political suicide missions, Donald ducking the action – and the REAL debate winner revealed… MAUREEN CALLAHAN’s wickedly barbed verdict on Fox News’ reality show from hell

It was like watching seven kamikaze pilots on a two-hour political suicide mission.

Could Reagan’s Air Force One—suspended because of the candidates at the second Republican debate, held at the former commander-in-chief’s presidential library in Simi Valley, California—have been a better metaphor?

An 88,000 pound fuselage, a legendary plane that carried the kind of Republican president the party wishes would land and just hung there. The threat of falling, crashing, taking everyone out with it – the only survivor Donald Trump.

Because the winner of Wednesday evening’s debate didn’t even show up.

His instincts are insanely infallible, and by skipping the debate again, he has ensured that He – not the economy or the migrant crisis or rising crime or the Russia-China-Iran axis – was the most popular topic on stage.

“Donald,” said the combative Chris Christie, addressing the camera head-on, “I know you’re watching. You can’t help yourself. You’re not here tonight, not because of the polls – of course not, because Trump is polling 58 percent among Republican voters and blowing away nearest rival Ron DeSantis by 43 points – so why this absurdist theater?

Yet Christie tried to match Trump, tit-for-tat, in name-calling.

“You’re afraid to stand on stage and defend your record,” Christie said. “You keep dodging these things… We’re going to call you Donald Duck.’

Doesn’t quite sound like ‘Sleepy Joe’ or ‘Crooked Hillary’, does it? The line fell flat.

Ron DeSantis tried it.

“Donald Trump is lacking in action,” DeSantis said. “He should be on this stage tonight. He owes it to you to defend his record of adding $7.8 trillion to the debt, paving the way for the inflation we have now.”

But Trump was in Detroit, speaking at a rally for the striking United Auto Workers, and what he said almost doesn’t matter: In the ultimate power move, he took his stratospheric poll numbers, backed by every indictment and judgment that came his way . , and spent his time with a vanishing American class – the working men and women of the heartland who long felt abandoned by Democratic and establishment politicians.

Back in California, there was very little charisma on stage, very little purpose – and instead of joining forces for The Donald, the potential nominees turned on each other.

It appears that most of these candidates have failed to rewatch the match day footage of the first debate.

DeSantis still smiles that creepy, smug smile after he makes a point. His whole body jerks a little, as if electrified by what he assumes is his wit or wit.

Mike Pence was as stiff and bloodless as ever, and his complexion was hideous.

Vivek Ramaswamy, whose unmoving hair grows higher and higher, is reminiscent of nothing more than ‘Spinal Tap’: he has one volume, and it’s always at 11.

He talks fast and loud in an aggressive manner that screams: I KNOW MORE THAN YOU, even as he says the American should divest from China even though he has done business there himself – some of it linked to Hunter Biden – or that just because Russia invaded Ukraine “it doesn’t mean Ukraine is good,” or that TikTok is a threat, even though Ramaswamy himself is on TikTok, convinced after dinner with problematic influencer Jake Paul.

Nikki Haley, who rolled her eyes at Ramaswamy more than once, spoke for most of us: “Every time I hear you, what you say makes me feel a little dumber. We can’t trust you.’

Tim Scott told us that what he lacks in leadership experience, he makes up for in committees. He sits on five of them: the Finance Committee, the Foreign Relations Committee, the Aging Committee… There is no need to mention them all. But he promised that these assignments would prepare him to lead in times of national crisis.

Scott tried to make sparks with Ramaswamy — China, Hunter, business associates — and Haley, to whom he owes his Senate seat: “Talk about someone who never saw a federal dollar she didn’t like.”

“Bring it, Tim,” she bellowed.

Oh, what Tim tried, by collecting the infamous $50,000 curtains from the New York City residence Haley used as ambassador to the UN

“You have bad information,” Haley said, reminding him that they dated back to the Obama administration. “You’re destroying.”

Everyone on this stage was wrecking. On the other side, dangling like a forgotten ornament, sat North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum.

Did you even know this man is on the run? But there he was, his face strangely shining, waving his arms and shouting and trying to say something… why?

A Quinnipiac poll in June found that 90 percent of Americans had no idea who Burgum was. He is the uninvited guest who refuses to leave.

Again, does it matter? If this second debate has proven anything, it’s that no one on this stage will be the nominee. Recall that moderator Dana Perino’s last question has been removed from the reality competition show ‘Survivor’:

“It is now clear that if you all stay in the race, former President Donald Trump will win the nomination. None of you have indicated that you are dropping out. So which one of you on stage tonight should be voted off the island?’

No one but Christie answered. “I would vote out Donald Trump,” he said.

Here’s the problem: you can’t vote out a player who isn’t there. You can’t beat someone who not only isn’t competing with you – Trump isn’t even playing the same game.

How fitting, then, that we ended with a reality show question: a nod, intended or not, to America’s first-ever reality show president. The island they talked about, filled with these potential contenders, felt more like the island of Misfit Toys.