DEAR JANE: I want to have an AFFAIR so I don’t leave my sexless marriage

Dear Jane,

I have been married for seven years now and I love my husband very much. We have a very comfortable and happy relationship, but as our marriage developed, our sex life has dwindled and is virtually nonexistent.

At first it wasn’t because I didn’t try, but my husband’s libido seems to have completely disappeared and eventually I just gave up.

We talked about it and he said sex is not something he prioritizes anymore which I understand.

The point is that sex is a big priority for me. I crave physical passion with someone else and while I’ve tried to cater to my own desires, I just can’t anymore – and I feel like the only way I can stay in my marriage is to find someone else. person or persons to satisfy that urge.

I’ve been looking around dating websites for people who might be interested in this kind of arrangement and I’ve found dozens of suitable ‘candidates’, if you will…

However, my husband has always had very strict views on the importance of monogamy and I don’t even know how to start talking to him about this.

I know this is the only way I can save my marriage – which I really want to do – but if I come up with my idea, my relationship could be completely destroyed.

Any suggestions?

By,

Sexless in Seattle

Dear sexless in Seattle,

There are many types of marriages that work without a sexual life being a priority, but for that to happen you both need to be on the same wavelength, which is clearly not the case.

You say that you love your husband very much and that your relationship is happy and comfortable, but the fact that you have this huge problem and that you have not been able to communicate properly tells me that there are bigger problems at work . need to be addressed here.

I can feel your pain and loneliness, and it occurs to me that your husband may feel the same loneliness, albeit for different reasons.

Low libido can be caused by a myriad of factors, from hormone issues to medical conditions, low self-esteem, and unresolved trauma. Either way, if you want to stay married, you need to come together and do this as a unit.

Ask him what he thinks is wrong with him because of his lack of libido, if he would be willing to see a doctor to check for any underlying health issues, or even a therapist. If he dismisses it, it should be clear how this will affect you and that you should come to a solution together.

However, seeking sexual partners outside of marriage, without your husband’s knowledge or consent, is a guaranteed recipe for disaster.

While it may just feel like satisfying a physical urge to you, these kinds of secrets are the ultimate betrayal.

As much as you try to explain that you’re just satisfying a physical urge, if you don’t discuss this option with him — and, in fact, go ahead without his permission — there is a good chance that this marriage will be blown up in a painful and irrevocable way.

However, consensual or ethical non-monogamy, which is increasingly common in same-sex relationships, may be an option for the two of you. Should you go down this path, both of you should agree and clear boundaries should be set, preferably with the help of a therapist.

Despite these options, the two of you may come to the conclusion that this marriage won’t work without a regular sex life.

Whatever decision you make, you must make it together. I wish you a lot of succes.

Dear Jane,

My father is 79 years old and a widow. But he recently met a “friend” that I can’t stand. She’s a cockroach.

She doesn’t pay for anything, lets him take her anywhere — even when she goes to the bar — and always insists he take her out for drinks and dinner, without ever offering to pick up the check.

He is on a steady income and I’m afraid this will completely drain his finances.

I have shared my concerns with him, but he refuses to see her again. He always just asks why I don’t want him to be happy – which is not the case at all! I just don’t understand why she can’t afford anything? Everything in their relationship revolves around what he can do for her, not a healthy balance.

Please tell me what else I can do here because I’m really starting to get mad at him.

By,

Daughter in despair

Dear daughter in despair,

I’m glad your father has found someone who can ease his loneliness, but I understand how distressing this is for you given his age.

It is so easy for the elderly to take advantage, especially when loneliness is factored into this mix.

You don’t say if you’ve spent time with this woman, just that you know she’s not paying for anything.

My first piece of advice is to get to know her, which I suspect will help you look at the situation with more caution.

Your 79-year-old father is courteous and pays for the drinks and dinner, just as he probably did with your mother when they were young.

At this point, this doesn’t seem too worrying, but I understand you want to avoid taking advantage of him.

Sit down with your father and first explain that you are glad he has found a companion, someone who enjoys his company.

Maybe you’re overprotective, but want to make sure he’s living within his means. Ask to see his income and expenses and sign him up for online banking so you can keep an eye on him.

I would also recommend going to an elder care attorney.

Setting up a living trust is one way to ensure that no one else can get their hands on his money, but a lawyer can advise you on the best way to ensure that your father is not persuaded to spend all his money. giving to a woman who might benefit might not.