CAROLINE WEST-MEADS: An old affair has come back to haunt me

Q: A few decades ago, before meeting my husband, I was in a ten-year relationship during which I was briefly unfaithful to one of my friend’s friends.

It was towards the end of the relationship and I had been unhappy for a while because he was always playing rugby or drinking with his friends.

My boyfriend never knew about the affair and we remained on good terms as we have several friends in common and we sometimes see each other at social events.

But recently the guy I was unfaithful to was on a guys weekend with my ex and their friends.

Although he was very drunk, he apparently kept quiet about our relationship and now a can of worms has been opened.

My furious ex confronted me about how I could have betrayed him. He said that although he had been very fond of me until now, his whole opinion had changed.

He said I must be a horrible person and the betrayal was especially painful because it was against one of his friends.

He ended his attack by saying he never wanted to see me or his friend again. My husband (who gets along well with my ex) is very supportive of me and thinks he is over the top.

He has said he will try to talk him out of it. This helps, but I’m still very upset.

A: The good thing about this is that your relationship with your man is obviously very strong.

It shows how much trust there is between you, that you felt you could confide in him and that he was so supportive of you.

To want to help you mend your friendship with a man you loved before him shows generosity of character. But I’m sorry your ex is upset.

While his reaction may seem over the top to you because it all happened so long ago, your ex has only just found out the truth and it feels like yesterday to him.

To have remained friends all these years is an honor to both of you and it would be a shame if this were to change.

Right now he feels like his memories of your time together are ruined and the betrayal is made worse because the other guy was a friend. Business is not simple things.

They cause so much pain and usually there are better ways to deal with relationship problems. However, business does not happen in a vacuum; often people fall into it because they are unhappy. You felt neglected and in need of affection and validation.

Your ex does have to take on some responsibility for not treating you right. Hopefully he sees this in time and your friendship is restored.

It appears from your longer letter that he’s also happily married, so it’s clear you’ve both moved on. I expect that his friendship with the “other man” may not survive.

I am concerned about my elderly father’s expenses

Q: My father, a widower of 79, has always been generous and loves to help others. This is a beautiful part of who he is, but I’m starting to worry about him.

He has always been independent and lives on his own, but he doesn’t have a big pension and I think he gives quite a bit of it away – when he has to manage without himself.

He is particularly attracted to the animal organizations that advertise on television. I’ve tried talking to him, but he just says there’s plenty to do. The problem is that there isn’t.

A: Your dad sounds nice, but unfortunately people’s anxiety levels can increase as they get older, and he may have started to worry more about all the problems in the world that he can’t solve.

My father, a widower of 79, has always been generous and loves to help others. This is a beautiful part of who he is, but I’m starting to worry about him (stock image)

Unfortunately, the inability to properly manage money can also be an early sign of dementia. Try talking to your father again (maybe another family member can help) and ask him to go over his expenses with you – especially food and heating – to see how much he really needs per month compared to his retirement income.

Explain that you love his generosity, but he needs enough to live on.

He may be willing to transfer a set amount of money to you each month so that you can pay his bills and do his shopping online, and he can spend the rest as he pleases.

Maybe he could pick five favorite charities and agree to give only those a small monthly payment.

It’s never easy to have such conversations, but talk to him about power of attorney.

He needs to think about what will happen if he gets too old or sick to handle it. For further assistance, please call the Age UK Advice Line on 0800 055 6112.

• If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_