Red, White and Royal Blue – review: Riotous, raunchy and packed with risqué nods to a REAL wayward couple, KARA KENNEDY says this oh-so-steamy gay rom-com will leave them howling in Montecito

A cocky ‘reserve’ heir to the British throne and his famed American lover, their torrid tale beamed to the world by a streaming giant.

No, not them! And it’s not Netflix this time either.

This wayward prince of England is called Prince Henry (wink wink), played by Nicholas Galitzine. And his sweetheart is the rogue son of the US president, Alex Claremont-Diaz (Taylor Zakhar Perez).

Their story, while ridiculously familiar, is fictional: a flabby, steamy gay novel brought to the big screen by Amazon Prime and released this week.

Red, white and royal blue is an adaptation of the sleeper hit novel of the same title.

In 2019, first author Casey McQuiston catapulted from unknown 20-something to overnight sensation when her raucous royal romance went viral on TikTok, selling more than 100,000 copies in just a few months and earning a spot on the New York Times bestseller list.

Her story explores the relationship between the world’s two most eligible bachelors.

Naturally, the couple hate each other, feuding at the royal wedding of Henry’s uptight older brother and heir to the throne named … Prince Philip!

Their feud leads to a PR disaster when they smash a $75,000 cake and end up on the front pages. And so, fearing a breakdown in transatlantic relations, the pair are forced to spend time together and put on a public show of unity.

And, guess what, this act soon sees the rivalry grow into something really spicy – and not a little unexpected, at least for Alex, who hadn’t yet realized he’s into guys too.

The ensuing raunchy sex scenes – of which there are many – were praised as “radical” and courageous for their “realistic” nature.

But the one thing that’s radical about this movie is how laughably serious director Matthew López has taken himself from a movie that’s – let’s face it – campy, fun, but unquestionably cheesy.

López gushed in an interview about how he refused to “shudder” at the sex scenes: “I really wanted to show something I hadn’t seen much of in mainstream filmmaking, which is sex between two men that is loving and bonded.” , and that is emotionally resonant. It would be true and accurate for the way two men have sex together.”

Emotionally resonant or not, there’s no denying that what he’s created is seriously brutal.

The breathing, the sweating, the carefully cropped camera angles.

I frequently found myself cringing, looking back at my teenage years, sitting next to my Catholic grandmother watching an overlong sex scene, sweating with fear, trying not to make eye contact.

Warning: Do not watch this movie with your grandmother.

But while the non-stop fucking of a young couple in their first crush may be realistic, the acting unfortunately isn’t.

There’s a lot of chatter in the movie about how “charismatic” the leading couple are.

Is charismatic the new Gen-Z slang for offensively handsome just a little boring? Because while Henry and Alex are both undeniably handsome, their acting is about as stiff as their bedroom antics.

Then again, I suppose acting ability doesn’t matter that much if you’re built like a linebacker with a face like a J. Crew model.

But not only them – even the great talent falls short.

The biggest disappointment is US President Claremont, played by Uma Thurman – the film’s only major star – whose parodic Texan accent is as mournful as it is groundbreaking.

However, British actor Stephen Fry’s cameo as King of England provides welcome comic relief. Not least because of how awesomely bizarre it is to see a gay actor play a homophobic villain, who doesn’t support the couple and the “rainbow mafia.”

Sure, the malfunctioning sins of a lightweight rom-com can be largely overlooked if the writing is good. And the script is sharp.

In a laughable moment, Prince Henry is found hiding in his underwear in Alex’s hotel room closet by an assistant.

“We’re in a hotel swarming with reporters,” the assistant snaps. “If anyone sees you leave this hotel, I’ll break your head off your body… Your Royal Highness.”

Intentional or not, the alarming resemblances to a certain Montecito couple also become increasingly hilarious.

I couldn’t help but cackle when Prince Henry was called ‘the hearts of the Prince of England’.

I wonder: Is his tarnished style, titled head shy, staring wide-eyed into space, also taken from the Princess Diana playbook — or is it just more bad acting?

While we’re at it, there’s also something oddly recognizable about First Son Alex, who always gets drunk, causes chaos, and has the mess covered up by his mom and her staffers.

A pain-in-the-neck son of a president who has a penchant for partying? Wink wink, indeed.

When asked about similarities to the Windsors, director Lopez said: “(Prince) Harry, especially being such a villain among these highly strung, dutiful royals, is perhaps a comparison people will make…But to be honest, I feel like Henry (in a way more like) William (Prince of Wales). For much of the story, duty comes first.”

As we all know by now, dutiful isn’t in Prince Harry’s vocabulary, so maybe the comparisons aren’t warranted after all.

Although this movie is plagued with bad acting, Red, white and royal bluee is ultimately a charming, sexy, feel-good rom-com.

And we can forgive all the horrible Texan accents and silly Sussex parallels, if only to see these two oh-so-toned dudes with their tops off.