My wife lost her leg in a horrific car accident and it destroyed our sex life…now I want to divorce her so I can move on

Dear Jane,

A few years ago, my wife was in a terrible car accident that left her with terrible injuries – eventually leading to the amputation of her leg. In the months and years after the accident, she worked so hard on her recovery.

She got a prosthetic leg and did physical therapy… Needless to say it’s been a tough few years for all of us, especially her, but she’s pretty positive about her future and her ‘new normal’ as she calls it.

But while all that was going on, our relationship completely changed. I went from concerned husband to full-time caregiver and now it almost feels like we’re just roommates?

She still has trouble sleeping so she has her own room downstairs while I’m still in what was our bedroom upstairs. I work in the office every day and by the time I get home she’s usually so exhausted that she goes to bed about an hour after I get in.

We haven’t had sex since the accident happened three years ago and I can’t even remember the last time we had a proper kiss. I haven’t even had a chance to think about what it would be like to have sex with her since her surgery because she seems to have lost interest in that.

It feels like every passion in our relationship died the moment she got involved in the accident. Saying “I love you” now just feels like part of the routine instead of being filled with any meaning.

I love my wife, but I can’t help but think that we would both be happier if we ended this marriage. There’s no bitterness or anything like that on my part, but I also don’t want to be tied to a platonic relationship with no fire or excitement for the rest of my life.

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I know it will make me sound like an asshole and like I’m abandoning her – but honestly I think she’d be happier if I walked out.

Would I be the worst person in the world if I divorced her?

By,

Desire for lust

Dear desire for lust,

I don’t think you sound like an asshole for wanting to get out of a marriage that feels like it’s loveless, but I do think you seem a bit of an asshole for even thinking about this unilaterally without sorting it out with your wife.

You would only be the worst person in the world if you divorced her and hadn’t sat down with her, preferably with a therapist or counselor, and had some meaningful conversations about your marriage and what you both want out of your future .

The accident is only relevant because it put a huge strain on your relationship, but there could have been all sorts of stressors that led you to feel this way.

What’s wrong here is how much you project your feelings onto your wife, assuming she must feel the same way, when I imagine most of her energy goes into her healing and coping with her new life.

That said, I know a few women who have lost limbs in accidents and who have also lived impressive and amazing lives. They have shown extraordinary resilience, strength and grace under difficult circumstances and have not allowed loss to put them in a permanent state of misery.

So again, I wonder how much you project your own guilt onto the situation, to somehow mitigate your reasons for leaving.

I have no idea if you have anything to be guilty about, although most men will not leave their wives no matter how unhappy they are unless they are already involved, emotionally or otherwise, with someone else.

I can also tell you that marriage, like life, is cyclical. I’ve seen couples in a marriage on the verge of divorce do the hard work, start communicating with each other, seek help, and discover that a few years later they are happier than they ever dreamed.

The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it, and watering takes commitment, communication, and time. Dedicating yourself to figuring out your future, with your wife as an equal partner, seems like the least you can do.

Dear Jane,

I got married a few weeks ago and during our (very expensive) reception, my husband’s best man got so disgustingly drunk and ended up falling on the dance floor and destroying thousands of dollars worth of DJ equipment. We also had to call an ambulance as he rendered himself unconscious in the process.

But instead of apologizing profusely, as he should have, he was joking about it the next day, drinking even more during our post-wedding breakfast.

My husband and I were forced to pay the bill from the DJ and despite telling him how much the damage cost, he didn’t offer us a dime.

I keep telling my husband to just ask him outright for the money but he says his friend is always short of money and he hates making him pay.

I don’t want to sound insensitive here, but why should I lose thousands of dollars – when the memory of my wedding day is also tainted by this whole fiasco?

Any advice on how best to fix this mess?

By,

Annoyed newlywed

Dear Annoyed Newlywed,

Oh, the passive-aggressive question! Dropping hints hoping friends will pick them up is always the wrong way to go.

Asking outright, as you say, is the way to go, but it sounds like your husband’s drunk boyfriend can’t afford to.

It is certainly worth it for your husband to tell him how much his behavior has cost and ask him to cover the cost of the damage caused by his behavior. He may not agree, but at least your man will have asked.

After what point, and regardless of his response, I advise you to let this go.

Yes, it hurts, but since this man is unlikely to pay you back, holding on to this kind of anger hurts you more than anyone else.

As for the memories, this only has to spoil your wedding day memories if you choose to leave it.

Accept that it’s in the past, that the drunk boyfriend might just have a drinking problem that none of you can solve, and for God’s sake don’t invite him to your one year anniversary!