Jana Hocking: Inside the creepiest and most disturbing DMs I’ve received

Not sure if you got the memo, but Instagram is the new dating app. No, this is not a discussion, it’s a fact.

I now have three friends who met their partner after someone was brave enough to slip into the other DMs. Hell, the last two dudes I dated slipped into mine. So say goodbye to wedding speeches that start with “we met through tinder, but we told everyone we met at work ** giggle giggle” and replace it with “she set a thirst trap and I responded with fire emojis.” It happens folks.

With over 800 million users worldwide, and 300 million of those watching stories every day, the world is basically your oyster. Note to self: Start wearing lip gloss on stories.

On a side note, maybe that could explain why so much business is happening right now, because the lord knows enough about you married people slipping into mine. But that’s a whole other article!

Let’s get down to the facts, using insta as a dating app is a good idea for many reasons. First, you can find out if you have mutual friends and if so, you can turn to them for a full background check. You get a better idea of ​​their personality. Are they out walking every weekend? drink? What is their hangover Uber Eats order of choice? Do they spend a lot of time with family? Who are their friends – or more importantly – which of their friends have you already slept with?

That’s why I want to focus on how to do it right, because my inbox is a fascinating read of the good, the bad, and the very worst pick-up lines. It’s safe to say you guys really need to work harder on your DM slide ‘methods’!

So join me as I dive deep in and show you some examples of DMs that instantly gave me the creeps. Warning: I’m about to be blunt.

1. Being too creepy or thirsty. Here are some examples of dudes that reek of desperation. Play it cool guys…

2. I don’t get a message that I’m not interested. I promise everyone will venture into the ‘other’ folder in their DMs. If you have sent a message, it has been read. So if you don’t get an answer I’m afraid it’s a classic case of ‘They just don’t like you!’ Here’s a guy actually having a conversation with himself:

3. Asking really stupid questions. I understand it’s hard to strike up a conversation with someone, but for God’s sake make a little effort. If you ask something stupid, don’t expect an answer. My personal pet hate is when I post one of my articles with a link and some guy writes “What’s this about?” Just click the damn link!

4. Just send emojis without chat. Ooooh you sent me a heart emoji, let me take off all my clothes and jump into bed with you. Snoring! (Spoiler alert: that will never happen!)

5. Dad jokes. They make me cringe physically and I immediately assume you weren’t blessed with a good sense of humor. Oh yeah, and they make you sound really old. It’s safe to assume that a date with you would be filled with awkward fake laughter and a quick exit.

6. Like a million photos in a row. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great for our engagement, but like the creepy/thirsty message, you look way too eager.

7. Cock Pics… Just No! Why do guys think we’re flattered we gave you a boner? Oh congratulations, you were born with a penis. Let’s date! Sigh.

Now in the spirit of giving, here’s a list of DOs:

– Place a thirst trap. Sure, we all cringe a bit, but trust me, they work! Especially if you’re an ex of mine and you have haaawt. Knock knock, who’s that at your DM door? It’s me!

– Like three of their photos in a row if you just started following them. But, and I state this firmly, certainly no more than three photos. It shows that you are watching them, but not going too deep. Of course I went back AT LEAST a year in your photos, but I’m certainly not going to let you know.

– Flatter a girl. Every Monday I organize a ‘Tell Me A Saucy Secret’ questionnaire. Telling me you’re excited about it, or that the ones I’ve chosen for the photos are great, will really put a smile on my watch face. If you can see that someone put a lot of effort into something they posted, you can compliment them. Functions perfectly! Seriously, I went on a great date with a guy who did.

– Ask them a question about something they just posted. Another guy I went on a date with slipped into my DMs and asked about my family’s farm that I just posted a picture of. He said he grew up in the country too and we already had a mutual interest. Find similarities people and go from there.

So scrap the apps and dive deep into the DMs and you just might find a winner!