TRACEY COX issues a warning over envying your friend’s husband

Comparison is normal.

It’s one of the main reasons why social media is so addictive.

Who has the nicest house? The most Insta-worthy meal? The most luxurious vacation, cutest pet, best body, glossiest hair?

Anyone (anyone) who has ever scrolled and felt inadequate in one (all) department knows that comparing yourself to others is usually not a pleasant experience.

However, start doing it with your relationships and you will lose more than just pride and ego.

Comparison is the thief of joy

This saying has been around for years – for good reason.

Figuring out where we stand in the scheme of things can be productive at times. For example, wanting someone else’s job can push us to work harder and try for that promotion.

Longing for someone else’s partner does little more than make us feel dissatisfied and resentful—often for no good reason.

This is why you shouldn’t be jealous of other people’s relationships.

They are never quite what they seem…

Every positive quality has a negative side. The guy you admire for being so free and spontaneous is also rarely on time and can’t commit to anything. He’s male and takes charge? He can also be misogynistic and controlling. What attracts us at the beginning often repels us at the end.

It could be a front. Many women who have been victims of domestic violence had partners who were charming.

It’s not uncommon for friends to disbelieve their victims when they find the courage to speak up. ‘He wouldn’t! He’s not like that! He’s funny and smart!’. The public and private face of someone can be completely different.

Tracey reveals what you can do when you’re consumed with envy

Some people make great friends, but terrible partners. You have a little crush on your friend’s guy who flirts a little, shows interest, compliments you and makes you laugh. If only you could have it to yourself. Now imagine what it’s like to be with a guy who pays a little too much attention to your friends…

What you see is obscured by what you think you’re missing. If your man sits on the couch and watches sports all weekend, the man who mows the lawn and plays with his kids will look amazingly attractive. This can blind you to other factors. He may treat his children well, but ignore his wife.

We take our own partners for granted. We notice the things that annoy us, but often overlook the day-to-day things our partner does to make our day go better. The cups of tea that magically appear. The elevator from the station. Not being one of those couples who sit across from each other and have nothing to say. Bring back daffodils along with the milk and bread.

Look at your partner through eyes for positives and you’ll likely see plenty of ways they show love without wanting anything in return.

Many regret acting “up.” The richer, more successful version of your current partner is also likely a workaholic. You get the spoils of success – but no partner around to enjoy it.

Do you still suffer from envy?

Write down the qualities you admire in the person you want to be with. Be realistic. Is your current partner capable of accomplishing these things? Would they want that too?

Envy of other people’s relationships can sometimes mean that you have outgrown your partner. If this is the case, an honest conversation about what you both want from life is long overdue.

I WANT HER HUSBAND

Julianne, married with a child, longs for a man like David. (Both names have been changed.)

“I always keep an eye on David and compare him unfavorably to my own husband. David rowed for his university (of course). He has muscular calves and large shoulders and walks with purpose. My husband works in an office and has this I’m-over-a-computer thing going on. It doesn’t work and it should.

You can tell from David that he is successful. His clothes are not a designer flash, but everything he wears is elegant and well cut and well made. My husband keeps himself slim but rarely steps out of jeans. He dresses the same as any other man in his late forties.

But it’s the way David handles things that’s so impressive. He’s the one we send to try and get us a table on a whim at a restaurant when normally you have to book a month in advance. He is always successful. My husband wouldn’t know where to start. It’s his competence, complete control of every situation, the way he assumes he gets his way, because he always does. He is not pushy or brash. He is calm, sympathetic, handsome and a doer. That’s a dynamite combination.

I am used to transporting two people. I am the doer in our relationship, the boss, the person who makes all the decisions. I’m a control freak, he’s not. It works, but I often wonder: What would it be like to have a husband who took charge and you never had to check on what they had done? That is damn attractive to most women.

I’m not the only one who wants David for a husband. It’s a joke among the women in our group that he’s the one we’d all trade partners for. We say this in front of his wife, who is not threatened in the slightest. That’s the other thing that’s so attractive about him. He knows he could be having affairs, but doesn’t.

Do not get me wrong. I love my husband. He is kind and funny and very caring. I think we all crave or desire other people’s partners in one way or another. I told a friend I was being interviewed about this and she told me she wanted MY man.

Her partner is quite irritable and controlling and always picks her up on things she does. She sees my husband as laid back and easy going. She finds him funny, not hanging in the picture and spontaneous. When I look at him through her eyes, I can see it. You always want what you don’t have.

I WANTED MY FRIEND’S PARTNER – AND IT COST ME ALMOST EVERYTHING

Jodie, 36, had been married for 17 years when she first met Stacy and her husband John. (All names have been changed.)

‘I got with my husband in our late teens. When we were 25, we had two kids. We loved them and we loved each other. Sex was never really our thing, but we didn’t know any different, so confused. I would have said I was 9/10 happy.

My husband worked with his father who ran a local real estate company. There were many dinners with clients, but I didn’t mind because I had many friends to fill the time with. Then his father asked him to open an office out of town. We moved and my support system was gone. My husband worked all the time to make it and I became desperately lonely.

Finally, I befriended a woman at my gym. Her husband, who worked in IT, worked from home. I liked him from the start and the three of us started getting along. My husband hasn’t even met my new friends for four months. The few times he was home, he said he just wanted to spend it with me.

John and my husband are polar opposites. Stacy works and he helps with the kids, cooks and lots of “woman stuff.” I couldn’t help but compare. I was the traditional ‘wife’, my husband was the breadwinner. I never wondered if that was right for me. Now I did. Every time I spent time with the couple, I didn’t want their lives mine.

I started fantasizing about John and imagining him as my husband. I would dream of a great job and a relationship like theirs. In my fantasy my husband and his wife just disappeared, there was no meanness. We just ended up together living this idyllic life.

What started as innocent daydreaming turned weird. I became obsessive. I would talk about him incessantly to my husband. All he did was ask if his wife was there too and I said yes; he thought clearly, nothing to worry about.

She was always there, but I vied for his attention when he was around, and she commented on it. “Are you flirting with my husband?” she asked, laughing at first. He would only look embarrassed, but – I was kidding myself – also secretly happy. I had both of their numbers and one day I took a hurried chance and texted him and asked if he wanted a drink, just him and me.

He didn’t text back, just showed his wife. She called me in a rage and asked what the hell I was up to. She also called my husband and told him what happened.

I was shocked. All I had done was ask him for a drink. But we all knew I was in love with him, and everything fell apart. They told me never to come near them again. That meant coming up with a story for my children, who had grown close to their children. They told their kids the truth, so my kids soon found out too.

My husband came home immediately and was devastated by my possible betrayal. He kept saying, ‘What happened to you? Isn’t this you? What is happening?’ and cry. We are still together and have guidance to work it all out. I’m hopeful, but while nothing physical happened, the intent to cheat was on display for all to see. My husband knows it and my children know it.’

Listen to Tracey’s podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, at sextokpod.com or wherever you get your podcasts from.