I’m a grief expert and these are 7 things you should never say after someone dies

Supporting a friend or loved one who has lost a loved one comes with many challenges, with many people struggling to know what to say or how to behave with someone who has suffered a devastating loss.

Now a grief expert has revealed the best ways to have a conversation with someone who is grieving so they feel supported and you don’t end up stopping because you don’t know what to say, which will only make them feel worse.

Lianna Champ has more than 40 years of experience as a specialist in grief and funeral care and is the author of the practical guide How to Grief Like A Champ.

She told FEMAIL, “Please don’t ignore someone who is grieving just because you don’t know what to say.

It’s okay to say you don’t know what to say, but let them know you’re present, compassionate, and willing to listen.

“Grievers don’t always know what they need and may struggle with their words, but they need to know they’re not alone.”

Lianna adds that it’s useful to remember that often you don’t have to say much, but just give the other person the opportunity to talk.

“Try to be there body, mind and soul with an open heart,” she said. “If you find your mind wandering, just follow their words in your head.

“When someone grieving talks about how their grief makes them feel, they’re not having a conversation, they’re making a statement. Thank them for sharing and let them know your ears will be there for them.”

Here, Lianna reveals the seven things people often say to those who are grieving, but which can minimize their feelings or trigger other negative emotions like guilt.

Lianna Champ has over 40 years of experience as a grief and funeral care specialist and is the author of the practical guide How to Grieve Like A Champ

1. “I Know How You Feel”

Not you. This is one of the worst things you can say and can cause the grieving person to put up a barrier. Every relationship we have is totally unique, which means every grieving experience we have is totally unique.

Even though we share similar emotions with others, no two people will experience the same loss in the same way. Therefore, when you say you know how they feel, it’s about you rather than them.

It also minimizes the importance of the mourner’s feelings and can bring them into conflict, especially if their feelings don’t match yours – which they won’t.

2. “Let me know if you need anything?”

They won’t. Instead, try to turn your words into action in a kind way… “I’d like to cook you a meal. Is Monday okay?’ or ‘I’m shopping on Saturday, what can I get you?’. These practical offerings are great for a griever. Also offer specific times for hands-on help – dog walking, chores etc. This can say so much more than words and can take the pressure off of worrying about saying the wrong thing. The grieving person feels supported and you feel useful.

3. “Time is the greatest healer”

That’s not it. If we don’t acknowledge and process our grief, we learn to live with it in time. That’s why we all know people who are still grieving years after their loss. We never recover from loss, but we can learn to live with it and start experiencing happiness again, but there are steps to take and things to do.

4. ‘At least they don’t suffer anymore’

When someone dies from a long-term illness, it may be true that the suffering is over, but the suffering of the mourner has only just begun. It doesn’t matter if you’ve had a similar loss. You may remember how you felt after your loss, but that doesn’t mean you have any idea of ​​what’s going on in this grieving one. Their feelings are based on their personal relationship, which is unique.

The grieving believes that they should not be sad because the person is no longer suffering. When mourners hear people say this, although technically correct, it minimizes their grief and since the suffering is over, listening to these words can make them feel guilty about their grief.

5. “You Must Be Strong”

Grievers don’t have to be anything, they just have to be honest about how they feel. By creating a space where they can share feelings without comment or comparison, the grieving will naturally gain strength when they need it.

This statement only serves to say that what they feel is not important and they should hide their pain and show everyone how well they are doing. Here’s an example: When a man’s wife dies, people often suggest that he should be strong for their children. Children learn by watching their parents, so the children learn that when they are sad, they too must hide their feelings.

6. ‘They’re in a better place now’

This is based on our own beliefs and we have no way of knowing what anyone thinks about an afterlife. This diminishes the importance of the mourner’s feelings and again suggests that they should immediately feel better because their loved one has become “is in a better place.” While it is intended to provide comfort, it can arouse unwanted feelings in the grieving person.

7. “Don’t feel bad, be thankful for the time you had together”

Grievers can’t help but be sad, because grief is the normal, instinctive, and natural reaction after any loss. A grieving person may be grateful for the time spent with their loved one who has passed away and feel sad at the same time.

These emotions are not mutually exclusive. This statement suggests that they cannot sense both at the same time. You’re basically saying that if you’re feeling sad, you’re not thankful for the time they’ve had together.